.

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
.
30
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 6:28pm
Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Ive been encouraged to do turn it all over to God .... I just dont feel like I can do that yet. im worried about what might go on behind my back if I dont monitor them. what it is - im not sure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Just keep doing what you're doing for now. Keep studing for a new career and if it would change your alimony a lot to get a job right now, then don't. Now is the time to think about your and the kids financial future over anything else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think it's good that you are studying for a new career.  I'm very surprised your atty told you not to get a job--I'm an atty & I wouldn't give anyone that advice, but since your'e studying anyway.  the reason i say this is that it's not like alimony can't be changed--usually alimony is either based on the length of your marriage or what's called rehabilitative alimony, which is for a term of years, like they expect you to be finished with your school & get a job in 2 yrs, so he'd pay alimony for that time.  But they can also attribute income to you if  you are currently able to work.  then if you do get a job after the divorce, he can always go back to court to get the alimony reduced anyway, so it's not like you can pull the wool over his eyes.  does he have a lawyer too?  Unless his lawyer is really stupid, he'll be able to figure this out.  the only thing that dragging the divorce out will get you is more legal bills and more stress, but if he wants it to go through fast, at least  you'll have the upper hand to negotiate for what you want.

when you said that you want to monitor them, what for?  You already know they are having an affair, so just assume they are still carrying on.

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
My understanding is that my alimony will be based upon: length of marriage ---- as well as what they determine in the way of our financial affidavits.

Yes - I think he is going to give in to more - in order to get it done. Plus he wont want his "good" name dragged thru court nor his mistress' - and then put on public display.

"Monitor them" ..... My therapists & I are trying to determine why I feel I must do that --- It is scary to me to not know what they are up to ---- Why it is SCARY - we haven't truly unearthed. It's like Im afraid he is going to end up stabbing me in the back in the end --- Like despite me holding the hand of Aces - Im still nervous he will screw me in the end w/some weird twist of fate....I must know or anticipate all moves on his side. ??????

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
I have a new question to throw out for opinions.

My hub wants to take my girls to NY for the long Columbus Day Wknd. IF I went too --- obviously we wouldnt be sleeping in the same bed or anything - would it be too much like I was approving of HIS behavior?

or would it be more of trying to be a family - altho in face of divorce - for the girls sake. I could even tell & remind the girls of it a few times.

Or does it just plain send the wrong message?

NY, of course, is exciting & fun & we'd had a GREAT time there last time we were there as a family 2 years ago.

The 3 of them DID go on a more boring - friends trip - a couple weeks ago. Even tho I knew the friends, I felt my presence would set a bad example to our girls & their girls.....sorta like I accept all this & life goes on.

I, myself, would love to take the girls on an equally exciting trip - Id like to also do it still on OUR dime - BUT - I don't trust him not to bring HER over here while we're gone --- so I feel I cant go. I feel I am chained to my house unless HE goes WITH US.

Anyway - opinions on going to NY --- all together in a hotel suite - but sep beds, of course.....?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Hugs Sweet!  I have to agree with music.  She is a divorce attorney and I am sure she has seen a lot as far as alimony etc.

 In my own case my exh never paid a dime what he was court ordered to do.  He ended up having a massive heart attack, a quad by-pass and lost his job.  You just can't get blood out of a stone.  My sister's exh has not paid her child support in over a year and got himself messed up with drugs and is losing his business.  Could we take these guys back to court?  Yes, but as an attorney told me what would be the result?  We would spend more money and still may not see anything coming from our ex's. They have fallen down financially and in every way. To continue would just cause US more pain and distress.  My point here is although it would  be great if we all could expect the ex's to follow through it is all too common for that not to happen.     I know you are going to say--not my stbxh.  My sister said the same thing, her ex had his own construction business and was successful.   It is great that you are in school because when you have financial independence that will bring you wonderful peace of mind.  I learned from this experience, I will always be able to take care of myself financially.  I am remarried to a wonderful man but I still will always have a plan b and financial independence.

IMHO the longer you drag it out the longer you will not heal and be in pain.  You said "sorta like I accept all this & life goes on."  Unfortunately that is what you are faced with.  That is what I was faced with and I did just that.  I have no control of what anyone else does, including my exh.  I let it go and my life went on.  It went on beautifully I might add!  When he was out of the picture my life jumped forward with leaps and bounds.  Your life can and will go on and how wonderful and successful it is is up to you!

My opinion, don't go to NY with your H in tow.  Take your children, show them a happy, independent mother and woman who does not put up with what your stbx is dishing out!  Your H will do what he is going to do whether you know about it or not.  Why torture yourself?

IMHO until you reach a point of indifference about what, where or who your stbxh is doing you are holding yourself back.  Fill your life with rebuilding your future, and your children.  Let go of this jerk!

Big Hugs,

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

IMHO I wouldnt go because like Ollie said you are not moving forward in your healing and this would make you go backwards.

Now if it were a few years from now and all was well then I would say you  both would  be healed and can co parent and all.

Right now its way too fresh and the pain is there so I wouldnt want anymore of this emotional pain................

Stay home and have fun on your own... If you wanted could you take the girls somewhere without ex???

Good Luck

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

"Someone suggested popping a rubberband on my wrist when I think those thoughts."

For the last 4 years I've had to drive right past the OM's work (A freaking huge state prison). The road comes from a high vantage point, hundreds of feet above the valley, and goes past it with sweeping views. Talk about a trigger. Ugh!

What I did was write "No Time" in ink on the side of my thumb so that I could see it. When I thought of him, I looked at my thumb and reminded myself that he gets no time in my head. Zip, zerro, nadda! Rest assured that Karma will take care of those people. People who make those kinds of decisions will have bad lives. If they get their shtt together, then good for them--but that has nothing to do with you now. The best revenge is very simple; it is to live a grand life. Go do it.  

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Have you told your kids that you are getting a divorce?  I don't know how old they are.  In some ways I think that if you all acted nice to each other the girls would be fine.  My friend got divorced from her ex & they continued to go on family vacations--they had a time share that they used to trade so every time they would stay in a condo so they had plenty of sleeping area--the 2 of them didn't sleep in the same room.  The difference was that there was no affair involved--she was the one who wanted a divorce and in some ways it was convenient for her to have her ex around on vacations cause they had 2 boys so maybe sometimes he could take them somewhere & she could hang out at the pool & relax.  Now I can't imagine why you would want to go on vacation & be stuck in a hotel room w/ your ex while you know he has been cheating on you--I think if I were in your shoes, I'd be happy to get rid of him for a weekend.  Your kids are going to have to adjust to the fact that their parents are getting a divorce and aren't going to be doing things together any more (at least most things).  Remember that saying?  why are you letting him rent space in your head?  He's not worth it.

You mentioned that you are scared of what he could do if you don't keep tabs on his every move--it seems he has already done the worst to you, which is the cheating.  As far as money, let your atty. handle it--that's what you're paying him for.  I do agree w/ ollie--I'd much rather depend on myself financially.  I've been divorced twice, never got any alimony because I always worked.  It was definitely a struggle sometimes when the 2 kids were little, but I do think being dependent on someone else is worse.  Oh yeah, make sure he has life insurance w/ you as beneficiary in case he dies while the kids are minors--you'd lose the child support.