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Avatar for sweettartnacho
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Registered: 01-18-2006
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Fri, 09-21-2012 - 6:28pm

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Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
In reply to: sweettartnacho
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 6:41pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Yes; I think time is the best healer.. Well? the whole situation sucks but there are these healing modalities for you to try.

I would think that the best thing would be for you or him to move out and move on and then heal.. It is more difficult to heal when the two people are in same house.. I did it though because I had alot to lose if I left.......so I stuck it out.. for one half years and went on the healing journey.. It was very difficult and heart wrenching for that time. The only thing I regret though is not really enjoying that time  more than I did because when I think back although it was a small nightmare there were many good things happening and I was finding myself.. After the stabs and stings in my back I would get stronger and stronger and find ways to cope and I was finding the new me again and I liked it.. I just wasted time on feeling depressed and not living to my fullest.. I wish I could go back.. Just saying...

It takes alot of time and yes we all want that fix but it wont happen overnight.. Trust us you will be okay and please trust in God and the healing methods and you will come out a winner.

Not to say it wont hurt like hell alot but you get to choose how you deal with it; not your ex and not his mistress.....No one but you.

Take Care

Screw them and go on and live live live life..

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
I have never heard of EFT! will have to look it up.
Wonder if someone could hypnotize me out of this. :smileyvery-happy:

Saw my therapist this afternoon. She said I could try EMDR, but didnt think it was necessarily up my alley. She is along the line of thinking that natural = as in built in by God: grieving = is what I really need --- awful as it is anyway......but emotion & process is built in for us as humans.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

I heard that also but make sure you get a good therapist and one who is well versed in EMDR..

I tried EFT.... emotional freedom technique.. Its tapping on energy spots on the body.. You can google it and Utube has some good demonstrations of it.. It really works also..

Yes; it is always good to find ways to heal yourself and stop dwelling on the past and ex;es and their stuff.. Let them deal with their own demons and you deal with yours.. I know easier said than done..

Atleast today there are alot of healing modalities that seem to work.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

someone I know did EMDR after having PTSD from an abusive marriage.  She said that it worked.

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
I will look into it. thanks!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2012

these intrusive thoughts or flashbacks are signs of trauma. infidelity is a type of moral trauma. there is a psychotherapy technique called EMDR (you can read about it online) that can relieve symptoms like yours. the therapist needs to be trained to do it. my current therapist did not have the training, so i had 2 sessions of EMDR with a trained therapist as an adjunct to my regular 'talk' therapy.

the other important change that helped was when my relationship with my soon to be ex ended. when we were trying to reconcile, the intrusive thoughts were the worst. (i did EMDR during that time and it did help) .

i should add that EMDR is not about 'forgetting' he had sex with OW but about healing ourselves and our deepest beliefs about ourselves --it's not about him.

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thank you.
I think I have decided that I can NOT go to NY. I havent hashed thru it totally - but Im thinking it does send the wrong message to the kids if I go. They are 17 & 14.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Have you told your kids that you are getting a divorce?  I don't know how old they are.  In some ways I think that if you all acted nice to each other the girls would be fine.  My friend got divorced from her ex & they continued to go on family vacations--they had a time share that they used to trade so every time they would stay in a condo so they had plenty of sleeping area--the 2 of them didn't sleep in the same room.  The difference was that there was no affair involved--she was the one who wanted a divorce and in some ways it was convenient for her to have her ex around on vacations cause they had 2 boys so maybe sometimes he could take them somewhere & she could hang out at the pool & relax.  Now I can't imagine why you would want to go on vacation & be stuck in a hotel room w/ your ex while you know he has been cheating on you--I think if I were in your shoes, I'd be happy to get rid of him for a weekend.  Your kids are going to have to adjust to the fact that their parents are getting a divorce and aren't going to be doing things together any more (at least most things).  Remember that saying?  why are you letting him rent space in your head?  He's not worth it.

You mentioned that you are scared of what he could do if you don't keep tabs on his every move--it seems he has already done the worst to you, which is the cheating.  As far as money, let your atty. handle it--that's what you're paying him for.  I do agree w/ ollie--I'd much rather depend on myself financially.  I've been divorced twice, never got any alimony because I always worked.  It was definitely a struggle sometimes when the 2 kids were little, but I do think being dependent on someone else is worse.  Oh yeah, make sure he has life insurance w/ you as beneficiary in case he dies while the kids are minors--you'd lose the child support.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

"Someone suggested popping a rubberband on my wrist when I think those thoughts."

For the last 4 years I've had to drive right past the OM's work (A freaking huge state prison). The road comes from a high vantage point, hundreds of feet above the valley, and goes past it with sweeping views. Talk about a trigger. Ugh!

What I did was write "No Time" in ink on the side of my thumb so that I could see it. When I thought of him, I looked at my thumb and reminded myself that he gets no time in my head. Zip, zerro, nadda! Rest assured that Karma will take care of those people. People who make those kinds of decisions will have bad lives. If they get their shtt together, then good for them--but that has nothing to do with you now. The best revenge is very simple; it is to live a grand life. Go do it.  

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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