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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
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6
Sun, 04-13-2014 - 12:43pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

Bless your heart, you're going through so much.  Our stories are similar. My exH worked long hours, out of town, had an A with a coworker, carried on his A while our D was sick, blamed me for his poor decisions, etc, etc. Let me first tell you do not let your H blame you for any aspect of this. He made the choice to have an A, to work long hours and not give you the support you needed to get out and make friends, and he made the choice NOT to help in the care of your D.

I"m going to be frank. He's a selfish, uncaring, alcoholic who only cares about himself. How he could do this to you and your DD's is beyond belief. Then to critize your parents who put you and their grand daughters as their prioirity, which HE obviously didn't) and put their lives on hold to help out is mind boggling. Like you said he's not a good father or husband. Your D's life was being threatened by a terrible disease and he is only thinking of himself. He's about as low as a person can get.

His A is simply fantasy, an escape from reality. The problem is its not like HE was having his life comprised by her disease or your illness. He wasn't having to deal with any of it~he left it all up to you and your parents. But he's going to blame it on your D's illness, you, your parents, anything he can to justify it. I am so livid right now I would love to beat the hell out of him.

Other thing , honey, as long as he's working with her, has any contact with her, the A won't stop.  He's a real piece of work~hates your parents and wants them to move after all they've given up to help. And the reason for this is so he doesn't have to face them after what he's done and also because if they aren't around, it will be easier for him to continue his A without any interference.

He has no right to feel neglected. You have a child with a life threatening disease and he feels like he's not getting enough attention and is under a lot of stress? What a freaking piece of work he is!  Honey, that right there, along with his ungrateful behavior toward you and your parents tells you everything you need to know about this joker. You and your DD's are better off without him.  YOU have enough on your plate right now without this narcisstic, alcoholic cheater adding more stress to it. 

Contact an attorney asap to see where you stand financially but do NOT tell him you are. You are entitled to half the assets acquired during the marriage plus alimony and child support, which will be based on his income. I can almost guarantee you will receive alimony for quite some time (I got it for life) plus he will have to pay CS and your DD's medical care. PLEASE see an attorney ASAP. It doesn't mean you're divorcing, just getting informed of your rights. Should you decide to divorce, you can get temporary CS and alimony very quickly even before the divorce and settlement is final.

I cannot stress it enough. See an attorney. Right now any joint accounts you have he can drain; any credit cards he can run charges up on, any property you have he can do whatever he wants to with. Don't think "Oh, he wouldn't do that". You didn't think he'd be capable of an A, much less with your 4yr old diagnosed with leukemia. You stated you hate to upend your DD's lives and have them lose their father right, but take a long hard look sweety, he's not much of a father to them anyway is he? He's been lost to you all by alcohol for years. Your DD's and you deserve so much more than someone like that in your lives. You know he makes empty promises, like he has before to stop drinking, and his promise that the A has ended is just another empty promise. He has so many issues that he needs to deal with. You have too much stress as it is. If it were me, I'd contact that attorney and send his ass packing. As a matter of fact, that's just what I did.  Until he gets help and into counseling to deal with his problems and alcoholism, he isn't going to change. MyexH refused counseling, wouldn't take responsibility for his actions and never changed.  It was either him or my DD's and me.

You and your daughters are in my prayers. GW

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

Another thing....you said you hate to upend your DDs right now by losing their father.  Honey, he's been lost to you all by alcohol and his actions for quite some time.  He needs to deal with his alcoholism first and get into counseling to resolve the issues that's caused him to do these awful things to you and your family.  Until he gets help, nothing is going to change. If he refuses counseling and refuses to do whatever it takes to heal your marriage and the damage he's done to it, then cut your losses. You have enough to deal with and don't need any more stress from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I agree with the other poster.  It's a shame about your parents losing their jobs, but be thankful that you have parents that care so much about you....many people don't have that support system.  Your husband is no loss at all.  Let the other woman have him.  Your children don't have a father now, they have an alcoholic who's never there, and they're young enough that they will never miss him after a week or two.  Financially, if he makes such good money, he will HAVE to pay you child support, provide health insurance, and maybe even give you alimony........hopefully your state takes that right out of his paycheck, and you get it automatically.  You need to contact a lawyer, and get rid of this man ASAP!  He has no respect for you, your parents or even your children if he goes to the hospital drunk!  You've done nothing wrong other than marrying the wrong man.....and that's easy enough to rectify.  He's a rotten husband, a lousy father, and a worthless human being.  After all is said and done, move back to where you came from, and leave him in the dust.  Good Luck to you and your children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

A little girl with cancer is heartbreaking.

A disabling painful disease is incredibly hard to live with.

Spare the thought for this man who is only human. A man with no partner, a very sick kid, an incredibly stressful 24/7 job, 5 dependents two of whom he can't  stand, no privacy, no love, no life. Booze to help cope. All alround unbearable situation, and suddenly there's this woman providing temporary relief, joy, pleasure, something to ease the load. Sex, yes.

I know. I know. Grown ups, responsibilities, father, husband etc.

But..he's only human too. And only a man.

None of it is your fault and there's nothing you've done wrong. Nothing  you could have changed, or prevented. You are not to blame for any of this.  And there's a lot he has done wrong. But that's what happens in life. People do wrong in extreme circumstances.

He wants out and he will be paying you and the children for the rest of his life, and he will be paying in life-long guilt and self-hatred too. I'd just let him go. He's gone already anyway.....

I do  hope from the bottom of my heart that your daughter gets better....

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  I suggest being more cunning and look at it as business.   He is self destructive with the alcohol , is it not his insurance an his salery that is paying for everything.  Divorces cost lots of money money that would be betting spent helping your parents with retirement. 

   Let's face the situation.  He is an alky which is only a matter of time before it catches up to him.  The other woman is not big deal no money and  likely she will bail.  Right now you too need to get well.  Cunning works better when one has all the knowledge. 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002

Dear Mommy.  You have been faced with so much heart break, I can't even begin to fathom.  You are stronger than I could ever in a million years hope to be.  And, unfortunately, that seems to be your H's problem.  He is not nearly as strong as you.  He has turned to alcohol, denial, and another woman, to escape.  One thing you need to know is that surely he has never ever stopped loving you.  He simply is not strong enough to handle this enormously stressful situation.  You must remember ALWAYS that this is NOT YOUR FAULT.  He has chosen to run and hide, rather than face the difficult situations at hand.

I must say,however, and I say this in the most respectful and kindest way possible, that many men who feel relegated to the empty back bedroom, eventually become resentful, needful, and desperate.  IT IS NOT RIGHT, but they will turn to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or another woman (just for the disraction or the attention).  

If you truly want your marriage to work and your husband to stay, there are ways surely to work this out.  It may require compromise on both of your parts.  And on the part of your parents, and even your child.  For example, perhaps it may be best for your parents to rent a home or apt nearby so that everyone has a bit of privacy.  Your child may need a loving, trusted care giver to spend the night with her four nights a week.  You and your Husband may need a date nite once a week, and another private time each week to connect..  

I in no way mean to be callous, but we all need attention, or we will seek it elsewhere.  You are an angel from heaven, much much stronger than your husband, to deal with all that you have been dealt.  But I personally believe it is better to try to stay together, than throw your hands up in the air and give up.  At least one really good try anyway.

Mommy your H is not nearly as strong as you.  So he turned and ran.  If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, and focus on him somewhat, I believe you can have your husband back.  Teach him to be the husband/man/father that you want him to be.  Reward him along the way....with your attention and praise, and maybe some type of physical love.,

If you read this and still think it is too late, then heed the other poster's suggestions. From your information, He is obviously very very rich and any judge in the country would look at your situation and grant you everything and more that you need. 

The ball is in your court.  Best wishes for the best possible outcome.  Warm Hugs.  Lisachilene.