1 Month after D-Day still no clearer

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2014
1 Month after D-Day still no clearer
32
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 9:34am

hello,

Please forgive my first post being a) so long and b) my first post. I don't know where else I can say all this so thought I would just get it out. 

On 25th April I confronted my partner as I suspected him of seeing someone else. He confessed that he had been talking to someone online but that he had never met her. Turns out she is in America (we are in the UK). Over the course of the next week I got more details out of him, he was unable to tell me all in one go. It turns out that they have said they love each other and he was planning to go over there to see her. I don't believe he loves her. I believe it is infatuation and I don't believe it will last. I did at one point htink I should just let him go and then wait for him to crawl back to me. 

We have a son together who is 2. We have built a business and a home together. He will lose all of that but doesn't seem to care. 

Last week we were on holiday with his family in Italy. I had hoped that my compassion and love would show him that I want this relationship to work but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I have discovered today that he has purchased a ticket to go to America (I believe he bought it before I confronted him) and he is still considering whether he is going to go or not. He has booked a trip to Holland (his home nation) on the 24th June and he has booked a flight to the USA from there. He can go to the USA without telling me in effect. he is still in contact with this woman. She has planned a whole trip for them in a campervan with her 3 children. Her mother is going with her to collect him from the airport. This is scarily similar to how he and I met, which was also online.  

I am not completely innocent, I accept that my behaviour has led to him needing to talk to someone else and wanting the affection that I had withdrawn through dealing with my own issues over the past 6 months, which have included depression. I have been doing my best to act with dignity and grace although this hasn't always been the case. I have enacted the 180 list as much as possible but feel that all is failing now. We have been to Relate once and are waiting for our appointment slot to get in more regularly.

At the moment, he is sleeping in our office. He has nowhere to go if he moves out and can not afford to. He will not say if he wants our relationship to continue or not. I feel as though I am being kept on a peg until he makes his mind up and either goes to the USA, in which case I will change the locks, or recommits to me and our son.

I have spoken to my family about it and most of his family know but I can't tell them about this latest development, I have a son to consider and I don't want his aunts and grandmother hating his father. 

Am I being a complete fool? Is there any hope at all? Do I force him to make a decision or carry on with this charade hoping that he will come back to me?  How can I focus on work (which I need to do also!) when this is happening and I feel like I'm going mental??


Any advice, empathy or just support would be gratefully received. 


Thank you x 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 10:56am

As an aside, do you think this woman knows he's in a relationship and a father?  I just can't imagine the bad judgment of a mother basically taking a stranger on a trip with her kids and I wouldn't think that her mom would go along with this if she knew that he was basically married.  Have you told him that you know about the ticket to the US and that if he goes that your relationship is over?  I do agree that it's unfair for him to keep you waiting around while he decides what he's going to do.  I don't really have much to offer, but good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 11:18am

I don't typicaly answer posts on this board but I feel terrible for you. You sound like a nice young woman.

First of all, do not blame yourself for your partner's behavior. There is a reason the phrase "in sickness and in health" is part of a marriage vows. Couples are promising to commit to each other, even during the bad times. If you haven't actually gone through a formal marriage, you have made a commit by having a child together and building a life together. You do not go run off when the going gets tough as your partner is doing.

He doesn't know this woman but really what type of woman would "import" a man from overseas she really does not know and travel arround with him and her three kids in a camper.  How is she going to explain the new "uncle" to her three kids?

Does she knows he is in a committed relationship, with a son? Does her mother know?  His family know?

He may think it sounds "exotic" and exciting but three kids in a camper... not really.  The only "positive" thing in this scenario is US Immigration. He will most likely have to prove he has a job to return to, a return ticket and even money for his stay. They are getting tough and this scenario could raise "red flags" that he is planning not to return. (Don't tell him that.. just sit back and watch the fun, if he does go. He might not realise  but entering the US or Canada; you don't get a "free pass" if you are from the UK or from Holland or any other country in Europe.)

You have to think about what is best for you and your son. His behaviour is  unfair to both of you and you deserve better than to be treated as a doormat.  Tell him point blank.  He either commits to you now and his son or out he goes.  He has to grow up and accept his responsibility as a father and husband/partner.  You are willing to work on your problems but he has to as well. That means he doesn't go to the US to see this woman and has no further contact with her.  If he does go, that's it.  He will have to win you back and that will not be easy.

 I would also suggest that you seek legal advice ASAP.. joint property, business,child maintance and custody in the UK. You need to protect yourself and your son.. Here, a  parent cannot leave the country with their children, unless they have full custody or permission of the other parent. Look into that as well. You will,of course, not stop him from visiting his son but that will be in the UK,under your terms.

You sound like a decent young woman who will not talk negatively about your son's father to your son ever and to your family members and his. But  take care of yourself; you deserve it.

If he decides to not  commit to you and your son, I would craft a carefully worded email to his family. Tell them that, although you two are no longer together  (don't go into the reasons), you hope that they will continue to be part of your son's life. You will not stop them from seing their nephew and grandson, whenever they are in the UK. 

If you haven't already, see your doctor about your depression. Don't let this man take advantage of you in your depressed state and stand up for yourself and your son.

Good luck and take care. I hope your partner wakes up and realizes what he can loose. The grass may look greener on the other side but it is still grass and the weeds are not visble from a distance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 11:20am

First, I'm sorry you're going thru this.  I know from experience it's not fun!  Second, you cannot force him to do anything.  You can't make him stop talking to her.  You can't keep him from going to see her.  I don't believe you mentioned anywhere how long the two of you have been together, but I'm guessing not more than 4 or 5 years.  You mentioned depression, do you know what caused it to creep up?  Have you had suspicions about his behavior?  Regardless of what caused it, a good partner doesn't run to another woman, he becomes a support for the one he loves, or is supposed to love.  It's also wonderful that you have a family support system, and don't tell them anything else about what's going on.  They don't need to know, they can't change anything.  All they can do is support you, which I'm sure they will. 

As for this man.......you're sure it's just infatuation?  You don't know that, but it doesn't matter.  He is a grown man and he will do what he wants to do, whether or not you like it.  When I read about his plans, I had to laugh.  I would imagine it won't be a lot of fun travelling around the US in a campervan with three children.  And what kind of stupid woman would invite a man from across the world to spend weeks confined with her children?  For all she knows he could be a child molester!   I have a feeling he will quickly be disillusioned, and come home with his tail between his legs.  You know from experience, you can talk to someone on line, and they can sound wonderful, but meeting them in person is a whole different story!  That's when all the "warts" start showing.  I don't know if the term is used in the UK, but have you heard of "catfishing"?  People on line lie! 

Stop fighting him on it.  He wants to go, he will go.  You can't force him to cancel.  As we say here, the ball is now in your court.  You hold the power.  You own a business together......he loses.  You have a home together......he loses.  What he cannot lose is his son, unless he chooses to.  Some men will even walk away from their children.  You will lose nothing except a man, and you don't NEED a man in your life, it sounds like you are very self sufficient.  If he comes back, and you choose to let him back, then let it be behind you and go on with your life.  Right now you just have to wait to see what he will do......and when you find out what that is, then you  will deal with it I'm sure.  You cannot force another adult to do what you want them to do.  They will do what THEY want to do, and you have to accept it.  If it causes changes in your life, you will deal with it.  You already have a plan!  The one and only thing you cannot do is alienate your son from his father.  Make sure he knows his father in a positive way.  He might totally abandon his son, too......I've seen it happen.  Your main priority in life is your son.......and to take care of yourself FOR your son.  Good luck to you, and come back when you need to vent.......that's what we're here for!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2014
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 1:26pm

Trying to post here from a phone is impossible :) THANK YOU for the messages, the support is brilliant, you've given me some options. 

To answer the questions -

YEs she knows he is 'in' a relationship, she knew that from the get-go. Yes she knows he is a father. I have a suspicion that he has facetimed her whilst holding our son. 

I have previously told him if he goes to the USA, that's it, this relationship is over. He does not know that I know he bought a ticket and is still considering going and I'm not going to tell him. 

All of his family bar his father know, they found out whilst we were on holiday last week. 

My depression has been the result of large amounts of work stress, that's been the main factor. I have an appointment with the doctor on Friday to discus it, I've been before but refused any medication in favour of CBT but that didn't transpire. I will now be getting help for it via Relate too and have made other changes in my lifestyle such as regular exercise, taking care of myself (sounds daft but I I don't put on make up for a few days it's is a key indicator that I'm slipping into depresssion for me!). I'm looking to get on a mindfulness course too so I feel I have enough in my toolkit to prevent another attack. 

I own the house, it's all in my name so I have no worries about that. All the savings are in my name too and if he goes to the USA he gets none of that because I know how much the flight has cost! 

I only had suspicions about a week, maybe two, before I confronted him. I trusted my gut and asked what I knew I had to know. 

It's correct to say I can't change his mind and that if he wants to go he will, but why should I wait around for another month whilst he 'makes up his mind' about our relationship? When basically all he is doing is waiting until he goes over there to see if what's on offer is better than here?! I haven't mentioned it, or his contacting her since he refused to stop contact with her prior to our holiday. I am doing my best to behave as if he met my conditions and be the bigger person, if only for my son's sake. Though sometimes I would like to scream and punch him in the face, shake him and yell 'look what you are giving up!'. But hey, that won't help me.  

At the moment I pay the bills, the mortgage, the nursery fees et al. He gives me money for our food shopping, around £400 a month if you include the odd night out. I have no problem with our financial arrangements and never have done, he does a lot more around the home than I do, or did. I've changed that too since if he goes I have to do it myself anyway so may as well start now. 

I had thought that tonight I would say to him 'you have until Saturday to decide, if it's no to us, then you move out on Sunday', now I'm not sure if I just let it slide again and wait it out. But I do feel like I'm becoming a door mat now and my love and compassion are reaching their limit. Perhaps I should say 'eff it', you do your thing and wait for that return with the tail-between-the-legs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 8:47pm

You deserve better than this. I don't understand why you don't plan to tell him you know that he bought the ticket for the flight to the USA. Right now, he thinks he holds all the cards; that he can do what he wants and has you as a backup plan. I'd burst his bubble here and now. He's cheating on you in an EA and plans on secretly taking off to what is most certainly going to turn into a PA. Why would you even want him back? He's proven that he's not trustworthy and has no concern for you or his child. You've told him if he goes its over but he knows he can come back, and is obviously right given that you say you may just wait til he crawls back with his tail between his legs. Not following through with what you say shows him he can get away with it this time and the next time....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 05-28-2014 - 12:03am

I somewhat agree with GWTWF, but not totally.  Unless you are into arguing and fighting, there's no point in telling him what you know......he will probably deny it anyway, and there will be an arguement.  Let him go, and then you don't have to do anything at all.......he may not even come back.  I don't know how the courts work in the UK re: child support, but do what you can to get that, and make sure he's able to visit his son IF he wants to.  I wouldn't allow unsupervised visits because he's liable to take off with him, Keep in touch with his familly if you can, because they're your son's family, too.  After he's gone, then you should tell THEM that he's not welcome back in your life, and I'm sure they will let him know.  Don't even think about taking him back, because he'll just do it again.......because he knows he can get away with it.  It sounds very much like you don't need him financially, and I doubt if you need him emotionally.  You sound already sure that it's over, and possibly that will help with your depression bouts too......because you saw this coming, and that is enough to depress anyone.  Once he's gone, you'll feel better.  Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2014
Wed, 05-28-2014 - 1:03am

Its early in the morning here so please forgive my typing. After deciding yesterday to wait it out, he went off for an hour last night, clearly to talk to her. I have had enough. I told him I'm not waiting any more for him to decide, I am not going to be taken for a fool and I want him out by the weekend. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2014
Wed, 05-28-2014 - 8:21am

I am so angry, SO angry now. I asked him out right if he video called her with our son and he didn't deny it. This is what I've learnt he does, he will deny something if he didn't do it but if he did soemthing he doesn't say yes, he just stays silent and doesn't deny it.  And he doesn't understand why this is wrong! How can I explain to him that he has violated our relationship in front of his son, has jeopardised his happiness and sense of security. How did he introduce her?! What did he say to her?? He thinks our son is too young to understand, what a crock of bull. Children understand and absorb everything. 

What has he done?? How can he not see the damage he could be doing? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 05-28-2014 - 9:45am

Oh my good god, this is literally un-believable. I'm in the UK too, London..

I don't normally post on this board but I had to respond to you...

How long have you been together? How old are you? I cannot fathom that a grown man in a committed r-ship with a son and a business will jeopardise all of it for a stupid online fantasy. Is he maybe going through some kind of  a metal breakdown? Re: campervan holiday with 3 kids and her mother collecting him from the airport.....him video-calling her with YOUR SON... this is (bad) soap opera land. I second what everyone else said, WHAT kind of nutso does this? What planet is this woman on? What planet is HE on if he thinks this kind of throwing his life away will get him anywhere??

Omg, I don't have any advise, just wanted to say he's just a stupid brainless  idiot (sorry) and has got to come to his senses!! And I believe that he will because he's not 18 and you've done more than dated for 2 weeks!! Question is, when he has, will you be prepared to take his sorry a-e back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2014
Wed, 05-28-2014 - 2:58pm

We have been together 3.5 years, he's 34, I'm 36. 

He is very angry that I'm kicking him out. I have explained that he has pushed me to this as he has continued to have an affair whilst living in the same house as me. He says he can't recommit to me because he loves her and he won't change his behaviour. He says that I should have changed 7 months ago when he started telling me and I should have listened to him then, that it is too late now. 

I have stuck to my guns and given him a 9pm deadline on Sunday night to be out by. He says 'you will see me on the street?', I just don't comment, this is his doing. He has asked if he can take the dog. I said that will depend on where you live won't it? I'm not giving him my dog. He asked why I couldn't move out, since that would be easier as I have relatives nearby. I said 'Because it's my house'. to which he replied 'yeah it's always been your house, I was never a part of it'. Yeah, damn right it is. It was OUR home, but now it MY house. That's what happens when you go off with someone else. 

How can I still hope that he will see sense when he is such a complete a-hole? I can't believe this is happening to my porr beautiful son. :'''(

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