1 month today

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2013
1 month today
9
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 12:40pm

1 month today I was told by him he had been seeing someone for over 2 months and wanted to stay married to me but see her!  To say the least I am numb, I know I have made mistakes but nothing to warrent this.  We have been married 40 years, together for 43, we built a business together took him a away a lot so to fill the hole I felt inside I eat and put on weight.  After years of put downs I have lost 70lbs and kept it off but my selfestem has been gone for years, so I put up a wall so I would not get hurt again by him!  Never saw this coming, now the trust is gone.  You see when he told me about her he went into great detail of what he did to her and how he pleased he, the funning thing is she never gave back, always told he maybe next time, so after he left her bed he would come home and we would have sex.  What in the hell is worng with me?  Why did I not see this coming.  We are trying to work this out but I can't get her out of my mind, every time he touchs me I feel her and think he had did this to her! Will I ever be able to remove her? Thanls for listening!Cry

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2013
In reply to: MI54
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 8:02am
yes I looked at the list and it helps, we are trying but she just can't stay gone the things he said about her keep coming back I start every day by writing her name on the shower door and wiping it away hope one day she's gone for good. I just don't know if he is done with her or will look for more!
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 11-06-2013 - 11:25pm

MI54, 

I'm sorry. Just when you think it is really ugly, it can get worse. In the end, she doesn't matter. What matters is fixing the reason you and your relationship came off the tracks. She is a pathetic nobody and should go back to that. The more you focus on her, the more time you take away from fixing what is going to help in the long run. I know, I did this the hard way. It sucks.

The sooner this gets back to just you two talk through your $hit, the sooner you two can heal.

Did you look at my list?

Sending good vibes. 

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2013
In reply to: MI54
Tue, 11-05-2013 - 5:06pm

I know your right the more I find out about her the more I know she was after money, she runs a motel and kept telling him how hard it is to run and she was looking for one good man to help.  Well I guess she will have to keep looking ,he is now seeing what she really was after, and it was not him only the money.  She has gone thru 1 husband and 4 boyfriend that have left her in the past 5 years.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 11-04-2013 - 3:43pm

MI54, 

You are asking an important question.  One that I think you should consider carefully. The best advice ever is the advice of no contact. No contact with the other women for you, or your spouse with the other women. This will not speed up the healing process, you will find out things that will hurt your feelings and worse, you might find out that she is exactly the horrible person you think she is and she will destroy your already crushed self-esteem. Why do I know this? Because I talked to all four of my spouse’s other men. To be honest, I wouldn’t take back what I did completely, but I wish I had done some of it differently. There isn’t really a play book for such things and when we do things on impulse, anything can happen. People can get more than their feelings hurt.

I wrote up some suggestions about some things you should be doing right now. Maybe there is something there for you. You can find it by clicking HERE

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I talk about the 180 list in the link. I hope you will work the list. It may not make sense right now, but with a few years under your belt, the list will look brilliant. It is tried and true advice.

My best

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2013
In reply to: MI54
Tue, 10-29-2013 - 10:31am
should I take to the other women, will it help me, has anyone else did this? still trying to come to grips of what happened.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2013
In reply to: MI54
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 7:10pm

she has a boy friend what a keeper she is!  I have talked to a lawer and yes we can split everything but he has been very smart with the taxes so he never shows that the business makes much so again I get the kick in the teeth!  I do hope to work this out but he has a lot of work to do on himself as do I.  I have not said anything to our kids yet as I  know they will not be happy with him!    Son went thru a divorce 4 years ago so he is trying to get his life back.  Wich me luck I'll need it and again thanks the talking helps clear my headSmile

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 5:09pm

Why don't you ask him to leave the house--maybe he can go & live with her?  He is in the wrong here so why should you have to leave?  I would really suggest seeing a divorce lawyer to see what your options are.  It doesn't mean that you definitely have to get divorced.  After 40 yrs you would certainly qualify for alimony and you could sell the house & split the proceeds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2013
In reply to: MI54
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 3:01pm

thanks! trying very hard to keep things together the last 2 days have been hell can't seem to stop crying!  The bigest problem I have no money to leave with everthing is in the house and the business no savings.  I am am on disability with very little income to live off of and there are no close friends to move in with I feel traped.  Again thanks!  Better days ahead!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: MI54
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 2:21pm

He says he wants to keep seeing her.......so how can you possibly "remove" her.  I'm sorry that you've wasted such a big part of your life with a male chauvinist, but the saddest part of all would be wasting anymore of your life with him.  You deserve better.  Let him have her, let her have him.......they deserve each other! 

If you have a business together, then you can make it on your own financially, and you certainly can live without taunts and criticism from a man who doesn't care about you, except maybe for the sexual favors she doesn't provide and you do.  Divorce isn't easy, but living the way you do now is even worse.  I divorced a man like that after 20 years, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.  I've been very happy, have had a couple of wonderful relationships, and have never regretted getting him out of my life.  I may be alone for the rest of my life, but I prefer that to being used and verbally and mentally abused by a man who wanted to control my life.  I'm a big girl, and I can control my own life.  So can you!