1st of many

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2010
1st of many
10
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 10:14am

Hello,


I am new to this discussion board, but not new to adultery.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 10:41pm
You have a serial cheater on your hands and I don't think he is going to change anytime soon if he hasn't yet. My FIL slept around on my MIL all throughout the marriage, until he finally left my MIL for a girl 30 years younger than him. Every time he got caught he would cry and say "This is the last time I promise" Well he would be good and lay low for a year or so and be right back at it. He ended up getting the young girl PG twice and starting another new family. Honestly, if you can support yourself I would leave him and eventually you will find a guy who knows how to be faithful. My MIL second H was the opposite of my FIL and never cheated Nowadays there are so many STDS out there too and these men that cheat never even give a thought as to what they could bring home to their wives. I think you have given him enough chances to grow up and act like a married man. I think one affair can be forgiven, but if they don't learn a lesson from the first time they get caught they never will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 12:31am

The TONE of your post sounds like you have one foot out the door and the other one starting to kick it.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 2:16am

I know it is very hard to move on after a long term marriage. Congrats on getting yourself into a position financially so that you are able to make it on your own.


I will say this even though I caved in. If you gave him an ultimatum after the last affair that you would be done if if happened again, please stick to that for your own peace of mind.


My H put me through two ddays (same OW) over three years. The second dday I got myself emotionally and financially ready to be on my own. I stuck to my decision to separate but caved in after a few months and many promises from DH. I still wonder if I made the right decision because I am still in the pain very often and of course will not allow myself to ever trust him again no matter what.


The decision is yours, but I know I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 9:50am
If
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2010
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 11:10am

Hi,

I am sorry you are going through this. I am new to this board too and looking for insights I suppose. Do you wish you had left earlier? Sounds like you will go this time? The first time I found out that my husband was having an affair I had just found out I was pregnant with our second child. Our first child was six months old, and the affair had been going on for over 2 years. I stayed because I was afraid to be on my own, because I still loved my husband and because he begged me not to leave. Fast forward 5 1/2 years and I find out he's at it again, this time she is half his age and they have nothing in common. It had been going on almost a year. By now we have 5 young children the eldest still only 7. I stayed and six months later found he was still seeing her. through much digging I found another one during the time he was with the 20 year old. I am seeking separation but he will not sign and will not move out. We come from different countries and all these years I have lived away from family. I feel trapped. He has agreed to buy a house for me in my own country and has agreed for me to move back with the children but he will not agree to seperate or divorce. He wants to move with us. If I fight him on this I will not get a home for us and we will have nowhere to go. So I am trapped like this for now. Of course he is really sorry, it will never happen again, etc. etc. I feel I am several years behind were you are now. Do you think he even could change? I don't think he will and I don't think I could get over it again even if he could. But I am afraid to be alone with the kids. Though that has been mostly the case anyway. I am afraid of denying them their father. My husband earns a lot and now the older children go to very good private schools. They get almost as many overseas trips as the mistress did. That will not be an option when I move back home. He will fight a divorce and they will not be financially as well supported. Is a happy mum worth losing a (largely absent) but for the moment very hands on father, and financial security, great education etc. Will I even be happy? I do still love my husband but I will never trust him again - it's not enough anymore. I think if I stay again it will just be the same as you only eventually the children will be older so maybe it will be a little easier. They don't change do they? If you could go back would you leave earlier?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2010
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 11:13am
Thanks for the advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2010
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 11:40am

I just read your post, and it made me cry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2010
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 12:17pm

Lily,


Thank you for the advice, I will take a look at the site and hopefully find some helpful information.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 2:32pm
I consulted with a great attorney - she was a real tiger and I knew if it went to divorce, she would do a terrific job in protecting me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2010
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 12:19am
Thank you for your answer and I'm sorry I hijacked your thread. When I read what you wrote somehow I felt that you would understand what I am going through now and you did. And yes I understand what you mean by it has cost you. You are so right - it has cost me too. Dearly. I hope and pray for strength for you going forward - I somehow think you are going to be just fine at the end of all this because you are really ready. I think I'm still not there yet. Oh, and physically we are safe. I just feel trapped by circumstances and pretty depressed at how it has come to this. Just stuck with no good choices. Right now he is trying very hard and being very good to all of us. But for how long? If he really loved me he would not do what he does. From all our discussions it seems he does it just because he can. He loves the ego boost and the attention that he gets as basically a 'sugar daddy' that I cannot give as a mother to five young children. I know I can't be what he needs and so I know if I stay it will still happen again. But it seems so difficult to get out. Anyway, enough of me, do get the best lawyer you can, and I wish you all the happiness you deserve.