4 weeks in and feeling worse than ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
4 weeks in and feeling worse than ever.
Thu, 01-08-2009 - 11:48am

I'm new and need help.

I'll give the short version...

Rec'd a call on Dec 10


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2008
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 6:08pm
Can you talk to your personal family about this? You just mentioned only his family... If you feel betrayed, you should talk about it with a supporting friend, someone from you family or a therapist. You would be surprised about your family's perspective on things and it could help you handle the situation better. Just because you've gained a little weight, does not give him the right to do what he did. If I were you, I'd get some support somehow and not take this all alone. If you want to see a therapist, let him know and make him pay for it! Seeing a therapist will help you and also will make it even harder for him to deal with his mistake and hopefully not repeat it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sat, 01-10-2009 - 8:57pm

i am so sorry you are here, no one belongs on this site YET WE ALL THANK GOD FOR IT. i know without it i would have lost my mind.

a few things jump out at me here:

he is telling you that you should NOT tell anyone, yet he told his brothers? HELLO, he needs to get a grip that the world does not revolve around him. no longer should you play by HIS rules. this is no longer about him, it is about you. what makes this site so great is that we have all been where you are so we can relate. we know the pain, we know the feeling of your heart actually seeming to break in half. undoubtedly, you are having trouble focusing on anything other than what he did. and while this is normal, it will keep you from finding the strength to begin a new journey, a journey where you are important to you. i know this may sound a little crazy, but lets face it, the reason he felt he could do this is because he knew you - HE KNEW THAT YOUR WHOLE WORLD REVOLVED AROUND HIM AND THE KIDS. no more, you need to whatever it takes to revamp and find a new you, the old you. you remember her, don't you, the woman who use to laugh, the woman who use to enjoy life, the woman who use to like what she saw in the mirror. well, now is as good as time as any to dig and dig deep to excavate her.

he told her all of these very horrible things about you. maybe, maybe not. she is looking for anything to get him, what better way than to demean you - make you feel like a worthless piece of crap. and from the sound of your post she and he have done a pretty good job of that. my husband spoke ill of me too, i wasn't this, and i wasn't that, we were not having sex. blah blah blah - POOR LITTLE HIM. give me a friggin break. what kind of woman is interested in a married man? what kind of woman breaks up a marriage? what kind of woman attempts to take a father away from his children? as my husband told me, i told her what she wanted to hear, i wanted sex - would have told her the moon was cheddar cheese if that would have made her spred her legs. sorry to be so graphic.

there is a list on this site called the 180*. look it up and begin practicing it. it will help you to refocus, put your energies on you vs. the betrayal. this is important, it is a proven winner for many of us.

you sound like YOU are not happy with YOU. well, no time like the present to work on that. but let us be clear you are doing this for YOU and NOT for him. green tea, the real thing - 8 - 10 cups/glasses a day. if you do not like it hot pour it over ice. walk, each and every day for at least 30 minutes to begin with, work your way up to 60 minutes. DO NOT, I MEAN DO NOT - compare yourself to her. you are setting yourself up - all that glitters is not gold, stop down grading yourself - i mean really stop it. START SEEING YOURSELF AS A BEAUTIFUL, VIBRANT, CARING, LOVING, FUN, SPIRITUAL, INDEPENDENT,. GO INTO THE BATHROOM, AS SOON AS YOU FINISH THIS AND LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR - tell yourself this is a new day, this is a new you, tell yourself I LOVE YOU, AND MEAN IT.

read, i would like to recommend a book called 'your best life now' by joel osteen. yes, he is a preacher, but believe me this book is fabulous. many others on this site have read it and found it to be so very helpful. also begin each day with an inspirational quote - there are many many books full of them at any bookstore.

therapy, it sounds as though your h will not go to marriage counseling, so fine, you go for individual thereapy. if you can not afford it well guess what - you have US. the women on this site are the absolute best, no matter the time, no matter the subject - they are here. we have really big shoulders and you are anonomous so you can tell us everything and anything. no secrets here.

in closing i will share with you the following: your husband is feeling pretty important right now, he has 2 women who want him. and while i know you are finding it difficult to even get out of bed right now YOU MUST. also, you need to show him - you are a strong woman, you may love him but you will not be disrespected.

please know, he may be telling you it is over yet all the while be planning to give it some time and he will recontact her. you need to let him know that you will not sit by and be made a fool out of. trust your gut, your gut does not lie. you know him, open up and let the vibes flow. if those vibes are telling you he is lieing, trust the vibes.

i have been married for almost 32 years, i am 59 this month. men who cheat - if you do not draw a line in the sand HE WILL REVISIT THIS. he will think hell, she took me back - yes, i had to go thru some crying, yelling, silent treatment, no sex - but it blew over. be very careful to communicate to him - you will NOT go thru this again.

last but not least - the impact it will have on your children...... while they may not know the particulars, they know something is not right. ask him what kind of integrity he is showing in acting out in this manner. if his children are important to him he needs to consider what finding out would do to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2009
Sat, 01-10-2009 - 5:45pm

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Sat, 01-10-2009 - 11:20am

You are defiantly right that his "sorry" is woefully insufficient. Now this is going to be about what your H is willing to do to even get YOU to think about staying with him. YOU get to call the shots now honey. And this will show you how sincere your H is.

Your first step in seeking out help for yourself is the start of YOU healing. Your H needs to be aware that he caused a huge emotional trauma for you. This is not something little he did - this is huge. Of course he'd like to just act like this never happened - that would be so easy for HIM. However, that is not acknowledging YOUR hurt, YOUR feelings, YOUR needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-10-2009 - 8:18am
Your H is a selfish idiot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Fri, 01-09-2009 - 10:38am
I agree with all the other responses.
He probably would have had the affair even if you were super-model material. The OW in my case was 9 years younger (of course), and never had children (probably still has a flat tummy).....but from the neck up wasn't much to look at. H told me OW even told him he was "taking a step down" with her.
The OW is an ego-booster, makes them feel desirable and special...like they "still have it".
My H didn't like me telling anyone either, but I told whomever I wanted....It's your decision to tell who you want, not his. At this point, they don't make the rules.
I too, felt betrayed, (and a year later, still do), by H's family. We have been together 26 years and blood is obviously thicker than water. I have been so hurt about how MIL has reacted to his A that I figure I am better off not being close to her if that is her true nature.
I'm sorry you are going through this...it is true torture, I know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
Fri, 01-09-2009 - 1:19am

I am so sorry you are finding your self in this place in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 01-09-2009 - 12:51am

I just wanted to repeat it truly has nothing at all to do with YOU.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Thu, 01-08-2009 - 1:18pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Thu, 01-08-2009 - 12:53pm
I am so so sorry that you find yourself here, but you will get lots of support.