6 months, still having a really hard time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2013
6 months, still having a really hard time.
3
Tue, 06-11-2013 - 5:52pm

I found out last September that my husband had been sleeping with a girl he works with. He admitted it to me in a fight, and I left. We were apart for 3 months almost and when I went back to the town we were living in to sign divorce papers and work out details with him, we reunited. He ended things with the girl, and moved back home to show me he was dedicated to fixing it. I can't get her out of my head. I work nights and every time I leave I wonder if he's Home alone...she has contacted me befora and knew intimate details about our relationship, because he used to vent to her about things. I know he had had no contact with her. He is trying, and I can see that. We found out about three weeks abhorring that we are expecting our first baby...both of us are very excited. for the most part, everything is perfect. He's affectionate again and caring. I feel so guilty becthink all I think about is her. She has taken over my head. He was my best friend for years before we got married, and I finally have the relationship I always wanted with him. I need someone who's been there and who can give me some advice on how to get myself past this. I don't want to be stuck on it forever, especially if we're having a child. I'm just still so angry. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2013
Sun, 06-30-2013 - 5:01pm

My husband had an affair 4 years ago, we stayed together . I'm still angry and have never been able to get her out of my head. I stayed with him for selfish reasons. I'm almost 60 years old. Our daughter is getting married soon and planning a family. I don't want someone else holding my grandchildren or having to share our children on holidays. Sounds petty I know. I hope you can be happy, having your first baby may really help. I seem to be more angry as the days go by. I'm not willing to forgive or I can't or don't want to. Not sure. Take good care of you and your new baby. Keep your guard up, and your eyes open.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 06-13-2013 - 4:01pm

You're being much too hard on yourself.  You have a complicated situation which includes infidelity that was not "just" a one-night stand, although if it was it's still infidelity.  You said you're now expecting and had reconciled and that he is "trying".  You aren't certain yet if he's established real boundaries, unless he has and you know what those boundaries are, it'll be difficult to trust again.  If you did not go to counseling together, it can really help, even now, esp. now that there's a baby on the way.  Trust is a real bugaboo to restore, and it's his job, not yours.  Knowing your spouse has cheated on you is devastating and six months is not much time - even if they are trying, you don't snap your fingers and poof, all gone, all forgotten, all forgiven.  If all you can think about is HER, all the more reason to go for some counseling - they've heard it all, incl. obsessing about the other woman.  But stop feeling guilty about anything, you didn't drive things off into the ditch.  If your marriage already had problems, you both had a role in that.  But either way, stop feeling guilty or anything close to that.  Get some help to make sure he knows how to NOT repeat what he did and to find out what to do for YOU to move forward with your life, whatever that ends up meaning for you personally.  There's not just one possible outcome here and six months is nothing, you're still bleeding. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Tue, 06-11-2013 - 8:40pm

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's a long and difficult road you have ahead of you. There is no "quick way" to get over it and move forward (at least in my experience). I highly suggest you see a counselor/therapist/shrink/minister/etc - either by yourself or as a couple (or both) - to discuss your feelings and figure out a good way for you to move forward. The feelings of anger, betrayal, sadness, and everything else may take years to totally go away, but they will lessen with time. Congrats on your new bundle and I wish you nothing but the best.