8 yrs. later and I still hate OW - Why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
8 yrs. later and I still hate OW - Why?
24
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 1:23pm

It is 8 years post d-day and I still hate the OW.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 1:32pm
First of all stop looking her up on Facebook or any other social site. You are continuing to give her power over you by looking her up and keeping her in your life. Just STOP DOING THAT for your own sanity. Karma will get her in the end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 2:18pm

Thank you, Peace, but HOW?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 2:23pm

Boy, can I relate to you. I hate the OW so bad sometimes that I have to literally tell myself to stop. Just last week I thought about send her another nasty email. My H XOW also made sure I found out and she was cold and laughing as she told me that she had been sleeping with my H!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 2:34pm
You need to stop using up all your energy on the OW! Use that energy and focus on rebuilding w/your husband. He is remorseful so that's a great thing! Otherwise if you continue focusing on her you will become a bitter person. Where will that get you? Your H won't be happy and you won't be able to enjoy you're life together. The OW is to be pitied. Her H is ill and she has a lot of problems to have done this to a sick H!!!! How awful! It's true that you will never forget the sadness you feel, but if you don't move on, your life will be wasted. It's not about her anymore.. it's about you and your family! Don't waste another minute.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 2:44pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 4:29pm

I know how you feel. I was able to let go of the hate and am blase about xOW now. I could care less if she lives or dies. Okay that is a lie, whenever I know something goes wrong with her, I do a little happy dance inside, but most of the time I don't give her a thought. I actually have to talk to her occasionally and the last time I didn't get upset or even mention it to DH until days later, and then only to celebrate my non-reaction. It is possible to get it.

I knew that I would never be able to talk to her, so I talked to other OWs on the All Sides board which helped me come to an understanding of OWs in general. I came to see her as a flawed human being not some evil biatch who was out to ruin my life. That helped me to have some compassion for her and to let go of the pain she had caused me. Her taking a job here actually helped because I was able to look at her like I thought she was dirt while I was polite and professional. I was able to let her know how I feel about her and while I was able to let go of my pain, I certainly remembered what she did. She showed me who she was and I believed her and would treat her accordingly. It also helps that I am loved in the department she works in.

I am not going to tell you not to look at her facebook page, because I still check in on xOW's facebook page. I think it is a self-defense mechanism, you know "keep your enemy close..." Do think about her. You need to understand and process what she did. You need to let yourself get angry with her. Write her letters and never send them, read what other OW are going through on the endings board and you will know that she did not walk off scott free even though her H never found out. In some ways that is worse. Ask questions of OW on the boards where OW and BS post together. Understand what was done to you and get an idea of the motivations of other OW. Don't sweep this under the rug or it will only surface later. Process it, deal with it, let yourself feel, then choose to let it go. Choose to not let her continue to have an affect on your life.

I know it has been 8 years and your H probably won't want to talk about it, but it does/did help to talk to DH about her and how I felt. His understanding and coming to realize she wasn't what he thought she was, and such a wonderful person would do what she did helped me a lot. It has been 3 years since the last Dday for me and just a couple of months ago I asked DH what I had done to her to deserve what she did. Previously, he had a list of things she could have used to justify it, but this last time, he looked straight in the face and said fiercely that there was nothing I did to deserve it. She selfishly went after what she wanted without considering who she would hurt. Knowing that he got that really helped me stop letting her live rent free in my head.

Also know that the A was a catalyst for a period of he!! for you and your H. She had no control over how well your H dealt with the fall out. You have come through it and it is up to you to make the best of it. Who and what she is now is probably, hopefully light years away from who she was. She cannot harm you now unless you let her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 5:34pm

FIRST OF ALL you are calling her the OW not the EX ow.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 8:14pm

as i read your post i began to fill up with tears. it has been almost 4 years for me; and while i would like to say i have moved on, quite frankly there is a part of me trapped - back there.

i too found it hard to reconcile how ANY woman in this day and age could hurt a fellow female; I KNOW, I KNOW I AM A BIT OF A POLYANNA. she KNEW he was married, they met on line, they were both looking for sex - a--- sex to be exact. THAT alone make me want to kill him. the fact that he would do that with a perfect stranger unprotected. i broken into his emails and found all of the proof. all there lovely little meetings there in black and white.

the journey i am on now is one of healing. healing me. what i have found is that as long as i continue to focus on what he did i am miserable. i decided that i had to stop making it all about him - hell, he is not me, why was i spending so many waking minutes focusing on him. being in the dark place made it impossible for me to function. i was so hurt, so pissed, so angry, so alone ----- i finally got tired of being tired. i bought a book by joel osteen, "your best life now" - i was in the supermarket and thought 'what the hell, i will try anything'. it worked, it helped. it helped me to slowly begin to take the emphasis on that and slowing began putting it back on me. i needed that, you need that. when you begin to focus on you find you - then and only then will you begin to live again. stop worrying about the state of your marriage and begin to focus on the state of YOU. i began to walk each and every day. i began to drink green tea, the real stuff both hot and cold, about 10 glasses a day. i began to read books of daily inspirations, i read the book i mentioned 3 x; now each and every day i read a few pages. the key is to reprogram your mind. the mind can be your enemy - it can do more harm that help unless you get it in check. i have a saying that i began to use each and every time those thoughts would pop into my head ' let go and let GOD'. i know this may sound a little bizarre, but why not try it?

you have to get in touch with the woman you use to be - before you became only his wife or their mom. no it is not selfish it is survival. when you only do and car for and about others well you loose you. when you loose you and then they fall short of your expectations they you are left with no self esteem, questioning everything about who and what you thught you were.

my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. i feel bad for him but i feel worse for myself. you see when he goes i will be left with the memories of all of this. hopefully i will continue to heal more and more.

i had been married for 27 years at the time. i had to come to the realization that he had been cheating since week 2 of our marriage. his infidelity had lead to the birth of an illegitimate daughter that i did not find out about until the child was 17. a real mess - i was living a lie for 27 years of my life. but in my mind i am not going to let him or his actions define who i am.

my baby daughter found out - she too was deeply affected. so now on top of everything else his cheating ways are leaving a legacy of deceit with his children. a man who they deeply loved and admired, they now still love - but gone is the respect, gone is the dignity. hypocrite, that will be his legacy.

i will share something with you that i tell myself often "you can not go thru life looking in the rear view mirror - your future is ahead of you not behind you".

as for the other woman, good riddance to bad rubbish. you are allowing her to win by putting so much thought and energy into her. i will ask you something now that i hope does not offend - it is something i was asked - is the reason you focus on her so is because you far she was more than or better than you? EGO, it has a way of hurting us IF WE FOCUS ON THE WRONG THINGS , let your ego go YOU ARE ALL OF THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS now start walking, talking, and thinking like that. get up and go and look in the mirror and smile - do you see that woman WOW, SHE IS SOMETHING ISN'T SHE. take care of her, love her, nurture her, encourage her to laugh and smile, be kind to her, protect her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 11:42am

I found out about my husband and the other woman about six months ago. It was an one night stand and I had a really hard time being mad at her to be honest. He was 30 when it happened and she was 24. She did not know anything about me or the kids. She was from a third world country.


My thoughts on this are as followed...Jon made the vows to me. I do not care what a woman could have done shy of drugging him, he should have been able to push her away. I have my moments when I look at someone whom I think would fit her profile, and wonder maybe she looks like her. When I first found out about it I thought it was because I did not like the club lifestyle. My husband was never into it either, but that is where he met her. Some friends got him to come along and they all ended cheating on us.


What scared me the

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 3:47pm

I feel better today.

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