8.5 mos preggo w/ twins and found out

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
8.5 mos preggo w/ twins and found out
10
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 11:33am

I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant with twins (first kids) and found out 3 days ago that my husband of 5 years has been sleeping with another woman for 2 months. They met drunk one night at a bar and she is 22 years old (we are 33).

I caught him by reading text msgs on his cell phone. He had been missing ultrasound appts for "interviews" and was really with her. He lost his job in December and I had to stop working and went on bedrest around the same time. I've been clipping coupons and saving money and cooking at home every night and he has been taking this woman to nice restaurants in the city and spending thousands on her. He also gave her $5000 (which we don't have) because she needed to pay her bills.

Our relationship was a little stressed because of our financial issues and the fact that I've been on some form of bedrest and not able to do much around the house. But, he seemed really happy and we laughed together and did everything together on weekends. He was still my best friend. We spoke on the phone at least 10 times everyday and nothing seemed different.

Once I found out about the other woman, he ended it immediately and claims that he wants to work things out with me and that his only priority is me and the babies. Yet, I was reading his email messages to her while they were still together and they were talking "love" and how great the sex was. Note: part of this bedrest and high risk pregnancy is that we have not been able to have sex since Sept.

He wants me to start couples counseling with him next week and claims that he is devastated by what he did and that he thinks about killing himself. I have no sympathy for him at all. I kicked him out of the house and told him that he will not be allowed at the birth of his kids (likely in 3-4 weeks). But, I'm still considering trying to work things out for the sake of the babies. I just want to throw up every time I think about him having sex with someone else. And when he tries to grab my hand, I want to puke and pull away.

Is this relationship repairable or should I just cut my losses now? If I wasn't pregnant, I would leave him immediately and file for divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 12:57pm

Go with him for counseling and don't make any rash decisions. If he wants to stay in the marriage then he has to commit to individual counseling as well so he understands why he acted out. There's no excuse for what he did. Affairs rarely end cleanly ,so it's important that he get help right away. He has to end all contact immediately.Try to find someone who specializes in infidelity. That's what we did and it's made all the difference. My H had a relapse affair and I was told this is very common.

Do not listen to anyone else's advice about whether you should stay in the marriage or not. This is your decision that you have to make based on his progress in therapy.

You really might want to reconsider having him at your babies' birth. You are angry now, but if you do repair the marriage ,you might be sorry years down the road if he wasn't there.

I am so sorry for your pain at a time when you should be joyful. But remember, it is not your fault- it is something in them that makes them do this. Read some books -a good one is "After the Affair"by Janis Abrahms Spring

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 1:10pm

My H has had 3 A's that I know of but I would consider us essentially "rebuilt" today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 3:06pm
Lily, I've been reading your posts and they've all been so helpful to me. You mentioned that your H had 3 affairs and you have rebuilt your marriage. My H had 2 and although he is w/a great therapist and is truly motivated to change, I have days when I feel so hopeless. I know it's a case of them re wiring their brains so they don't act out any more. How did your H accomplish this? Does he truly understand what he's done? Do you feel safe w/him now?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 7:33am
I'm much older than most on this forum so I think age and maturity helped some in my H's case.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 8:36am
I think that's the key-to let them know you have the strength to leave if it happens again. I'm not even sure I'm going to stay this time around, but the 2nd A is still so new (only 3 weeks) so I have to give it time. I am demanding more from my H in that he show me how much he wants this marriage to survive. His patience is definitely being tested, and at times I can see he's struggling, but if he can put aside his own needs and feelings and focus on me,then I know he really loves me and is sincere. He's a bit spoiled and self- centered ,but I do see him growing and becoming a more selfless person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Sat, 04-18-2009 - 5:53pm

Thank you so much for your replies and support. Over the last few days, my husband has expressed thoughts of killing himself and seems devastated by his actions. We are going to counseling on monday so we will have to see where things go from there. I'm feeling much stronger today and am starting to feel positive about the possibility of recovering our marriage.

The one sticking point for me is the trust issue. I find myself on the computer or looking through the past year of bills for at least 5 hours a day. I just have this feeling that there is at least 1 more part to this story that he isn't being honest about - like maybe there was a previous affair. Any suggestions on things I should look into that could give me a clue if something else was going on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Sat, 04-18-2009 - 7:22pm
I don't think you should keep going back to look for things. Your H may tell you as he goes thru therapy. Just be vigilant in the present. the past is done and you can't change that. focus on rebuilding for the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 5:49pm

kd327


I was in your shoes over a year ago, my DH had an affair when I was six months pregnant with our 3rd child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 10:20pm
I really couldn't make this stuff up if I tried...
There is more to the story now. I found another woman's number in my husband's work bag and he admitted (after a lot of prodding) that she was a high priced prostitute. He claims to not have never seen her, but called her several times. He also claimed this happened a year ago, but I found that he called her several times in Jan of this year by looking thru cell phone bills.
After about 3 hours more of questioning and crying and threatening to call his family (which I did anyway), he admitted to sleeping with prostitutes throughout our marriage and even before he met me. He claims it was a total of 8 times, but that he also got erotic massages often and was addicted to internet porn!
I then went and found an old blackberry of his and started reading his email messages. From Nov 14-Dec 24 (only these emails were on the phone), he was contacting these prostitutes about 6 times a day and setting up "meetings". By the emails I read, he was meetings them 2x's a week at least and paying between 400-1500 per hour. There were referenced to "doubles" and to meeting some of them 2 years prior.
This is all so crazy to me. My husband is by no means a playboy and he is very passive. It almost makes me laugh to think of him doing all this. It's like he lives 2 completely separate lives and can cut himself off from the other life.
There isn't any evidence of porn websites on our computer or on his work computer so I have no idea when he was doing all this hunting online. He also isn't ready to face what and why he was doing these things with these women. He needs serious help and I don't think I could ever repair a marriage based on this type of disgusting behavior!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 8:21am
So sorry to hear this! If your H isn't ready to get help,then you really have to consider divorce. you need to get tested for STD's as well. It's true that people who have a sex addiction live duplicitous lives. BUT, if he wants to get help there is hope. My therapist told me of a client she had who was a respected surgeon, and every night after work he would seek out prostitutes. He was sexually abused as a child and his mother died when he was 4 yrs. old . Once he worked thru these issues he was able to save his marriage. Your H must have some issues from childhood that he can't cope with or is trying to repress. I would calmly sit down with him and tell him that he must have something in his past that causes him to act out. Tell him that unless he gets help you will have to divorce him. If he still doesn't get help, you may have to file for divorce for a reality check. When my H found out that I had the # of a mediator he was really upset and is taking his therapy very seriously. My H didn't have a sex addiction, but would visit porn establishments and act out b/c he learned about sex in a dysfunctional and unhealthy way. Once he understood that this was inappropriate he learned how to find sexual release safely within our marriage. His life was also somewhat duplicitous,but now that is over and he is happier. Now he is learning how to deal w/the anger he had towards his father w/out acting out and cheating on me. Once his father died he couldn't tell him how angry he was for all the emotional abuse and he displaced that anger onto me by cheating. I tell you all this b/c there is usually a multitude of problems that they have to sift thru. But there is only hope if he wants to change . You can't do it for him. My H came to this realization only after his 2nd affair and I thru him out.