Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Advice
13
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 2:04pm
Hello, I am new here.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
In reply to: rf75
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 3:04pm

First, let me say that I'm very sorry to hear about your H's betrayal. You've come to the right place for support, encouragement and advice. We've all been there.


Second, I'll share a little piece of my story:


My H also had an EA with a woman he works with. I found out about 3 weeks ago. (It still feels like yesterday- I had to check the calendar to make sure I wasn't going crazy!) When I found out he was shocked and scared. (I caught him on a date with her and confronted them as they were leaving the restaurant.) We talked about it every night for several days. All of our time was spent on the thing. It made me so sad. I still have to force myself to eat/sleep/wake up at a decent hour/go to work.


One morning I was sitting in a chair in our living room as he was getting ready for work. I was nearly crying. He went about his business and did a few random things around the house. I finally told him, in a few sentences, that he'd hurt me more than anyone ever has and that the pain was overwhelming. He said, "I know I hurt you. I'm sorry." And he expected that to be enough. He thought it would be enough to just say sorry. Like he didn't need to try and make me feel better. He'd said sorry. I knew he said it. And that was that. When I said, "It's not enough that you just know you hurt me." He didn't understand why.


Now, my advice... I did a little looking around on the Internet about guilt. I found an article that describes the difference between guilt and remorse. It was incredibly helpful to me. I could see that my H was only feeling guilty about his A (Guilt is a selfish emotion.) and he had no remorse (A selfless emotion that involves another person- ie. me.) Just knowing the difference helped me a lot. But it mostly helped me put my thoughts into words. I talked to him about it the next evening. At least it let me figure out what I was thinking in my own head.


Another piece of advice that has been given to me on numerous occasions: Take care of yourself every day. I realized I wasn't eating and working out and it made me sick to think about it. Sometimes I have to force myself. But I do something just for me every day- yesterday I gave myself an at home pedicure with new polish, the day before I went out for desert after dinner (by myself). It doesn't have to be anything huge or expensive. Just as long as you can say, "I took that time for me." It will help.


Here's the post with the article.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rladultery&msg=47093.1&ctx=2048


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
In reply to: rf75
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 3:14pm

It's understandable that he wants to just move on.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2009
In reply to: rf75
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 3:47pm

hello all,


best advice i can give you is that it's going to take time and that some days will be better then others...everyone has relapses and triggers but just know that "this too shall pass" as the other posters say


my wife also was having an EA with her ex-boyfriend...she was really non chalanyt about it because she said it was nothign and it was her putting closure and trying to "mess with him" but it killed me inside, it wasn't until about 2 months later when i found out she still emailed him and i told her i was considering a divorce that she really understood what i was going through...things have been really good as of late..i still have moments where i can't look at her cause it still hurts but everyday does seem to make it a little better...


just try to put alot of energy into yourself and what is best for you...i hate to say it but you are not alone...good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: rf75
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 5:56pm

I'm sorry you have to be here, but it is a helpful place.


How did you find out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
In reply to: rf75
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 6:44pm
I found out myself he did not confess, he said he wanted to tell me but didn't have the nerve.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: rf75
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 7:22pm
Welcome to the board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2009
In reply to: rf75
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 11:44pm

Wow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: rf75
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 8:49am

What was the nature of the email?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
In reply to: rf75
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 4:02pm

We have been married for almost 15 years and we have 2 kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: rf75
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 4:40pm

All of that sounds very positive, but be careful he is telling the whole truth.

Pages