Affair resulting in a child, healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2013
Affair resulting in a child, healing.
5
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 12:40am

I have been married for 7 years to my husband and found out he had had two affairs. When all this was going on i was pregnant with our 3rd child. I was constantly being monitored and on bed rest while still trying to take care of our other to with his demanding job. I never saw it coming or noticed the much of the signs like i should have. I never thought much of his late night or going out. I know his work did keep him out late some nights so i never questioned often just was the understanding wife. i thought we were soulmates and that we understood each other so well, that he would never have an affair. i have always told him it is better to walk away than to cheat on me. I can handle the truth better than a lie. So one night we were out with some family and friends at the bar and he drank too much and i found him outside talking to a female that was trying to flirt with him and he didn't stop her. this is when i was baffled and was seeing a different man. so that night i went threw his cell phone and my whole life change in an instant. there were text messages and all sorts of info in them that told me that he was having an affair right under my nose. We yelled, talked, discussed many details and i know i will never understand how or why this is happening. After him moving out to be with her a month later he decides he has made a mistake and wants to come back home which took him some time. he was still not being completely honest with me but i didn't know that at the time. but i decided to try and work things out especially because we have 3 beautiful innocent kids in the middle of this. so we decided to move forward start over with a fresh start.  So after he moves back in and we are planning to relocate im trying to forgive him and things somewhat gets back to norma, two months later,l when he calls me and says we have to talk. i felt sick to my stomach and new it couldn't be good. when i got home he dropped the worst news i could ever imagine. The other women was pregnant and she says it is his. I am completely distraught and don't know what to do. i had already stopped working, transfered school info and packed up our home and told the kids. I thought i was going to die my heart hurt so much. She wasn't going to have an abortion again so this was going to be a reality. I went threw with the move and it has been about 3 months in our new location. I am not still able to come to terms with things. He has mad efforts to show me how remorseful and sorry he is. How can i get over this when it is going to be a constant reminder around of us infedility. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. i am considering consuling but fear of anyone finding out kind of keeps me from doing it. we haven't told our family. I don't know if i can handle this. I feel like this will and has ruined my life and soon my childrens when they find out. I can't walked into the baby section to get what i need for my youngest with out getting emotional. I think about it everyday and just don't understand how he could let this happen. As of now he text her once or twice a month to see how the pregnancy is going,she seems to be leaving him alone other wise. i do feel like he has determined to make our marriage work. there has been so many lies and hurtful things i still ask  why he would do this to us. i gave up my life for him to follow him and his career while putting aside mine. Has anyone been threw this? How can i come to terms with this? I don't know how to move past the hurt and pain. I don't know if we will ever be okay again. I just think about all the details, the fact that they had this connection and now a child soon. I try not to talk about it or bring it up but it is always there. I'm constantly reminded from the music, to tv or just being around a baby or pregnant person. HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 2:25am
One affair? Possible forgiveness. Two affairs? He hasn't learned his lesson and is truly NOT COMMITTED. You deserve better and you know it. He will never change. He will never be able to financially support all of these children he is fathering. File legal action now against him for child support and possible alimony. THe other baby mama will surely be doing the same. Get what you can from him and sever your ties. And consider avoiding any more pregnancies in the future. Unless you can find the unconditional love and support of your partner/family, and financial means. Otherwise life is a terribly difficult adventure for all involved :(
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 03-14-2013 - 3:50pm

applejackssmack wrote:
P.S.  I hope she has an ugly baby.</p>

That's just plain mean. The baby is innocent in all of this. It's not their fault they exist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 4:22pm

A DNA test is absolutely a requirement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 11:21am

You absolutely need to go to counselling.  Counselors are not allowed to discuss what their clients tell them with anyone.  That will help you decide what to do.  And if you decide to save the marriage, then you & your DH need to go to counseling together.  I am not telling you whether or not you should save the marriage because it's a personal decision.  It might be too much for you.

P.S.  Although I think the other poster might have been joking when she said she hoped the baby was ugly, I do think that your DH should not just pay child support and never see the child.  After all, it's not the child's fault that his 2 parents did something stupid.  I have a client (I'm a laywer) who was married and had an affair w/ a co-worker and he did pay child support but his DW (who I met recently & is a very nice woman) told him not to have anything to do with the child.  then I read a letter from the child's mother about how the kid, who is about to go to college now, really was sad that his father didn't want a relationship w/ him.  Should someone give the kid psychological problems of being rejected by his father when it was not his choice to be born this way? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2013
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 10:45am

That has to be one of the worst possible outcomes of an affair.  I can't even imagine.  I felt a lot like you did... My H was my best friend and I thought we were perfect as a couple.  Also like you, the other woman is in our lives forever.  He cheated on me with his ex-wife, who he has 3 kids with.  He's very involved in the kid's lives, so I get to see her nappy face all the time.  It's like twisting the knife already wedged in your back.

First, are you SURE she's pregnant and this isn't a ploy to get him back in her life after he ended it?

And DNA, girl.  Don't take her word for nothing, because if she's got the scrupples to have sex with a married man, I doubt her morals would get in the way of her having multiple partners.

What does your husband want to do?  Does he want to be in the kid's life?  Sign over rights?  Pay child support and stay out of his/her life?  You're going to have to set VERY specific ground rules if they are going to co-parent together.  He can't ever be alone with her, even if it's a kid related thing.  She needs to text him, not call him, so you can see every word they exchange.  You can even put spytracker on his phone and that will show you every call he makes, or recieves, and who texts him.  Even if he deletes it on his phone, it will still show up on spytracker.  Going to the hospital to see the baby is one thing... but he doesn't need to be there to comfort her and coach her through her labor and delivery.  Supporting the baby is one thing... but supporting the mistress is unacceptable.  She doesn't like it?  Don't sleep with a married man.  He needs to make her KNOW that he is doing everything he can to save his marriage and she needs to respect that and back off.

I dreaded seeing my step kids after the affair.  I thought they would be a trigger.  But it turns out they are a nice distraction and I love the crap out of them.  I always have a good day on our days with the kids.  I know it's WAY different because he had his kids BEFORE we met.

She needs to know that she WILL BE a single mother (unless she was cheating too and has a H of her own).  She needs to seriously consider her options and your H needs to make it clear that this baby is NOT going to bring them back together, no matter what her deluded mind may think.  She needs to understand that she will be doing this mostly by herself.

I'm so so sorry you are going through this, but welcome to the Broken Hearts Club.  I'm still new here, so i wish I could give you some insight but I'm still trying to figure it out myself.  Good luck.

P.S.  I hope she has an ugly baby.