after 24 yrs of marriage, he cheated :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
after 24 yrs of marriage, he cheated :(
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 2:21pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 2:29pm

first of all Hugs. and second welcome.

I know this is hard. its not easy to deal with and your feelings are very valid.

Have you spoke to your dh about this? Have you talked about how it makes you feel and how upset you are over this?

Have you talked about what your next step is.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 2:40pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 3:24pm


Its hard to deal with these things.

Have you thought about actually seeing a counselor? Do you know of any?

I would suggest that you take some time and think about what you want now. Write down something that you want and you will not live with. See if that helps you in any way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 3:56pm

I'm very sorry about your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 5:57pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 9:04pm

i have been married 32 years and i get it, i know where you are coming from in sooooooo many ways.

a few things pop out to me that are just not gelling - if you know what i mean.

first of all - if she told him she was drunk when she called/texted WHY did he go?

he went because he was tempted as to what might happen

what is a 50 year old man doing listening to any 19 year old females problems - unless the 19 year old is his daughter?

he listened because he was following the head between his legs

why did he turn off the video?

he turned it off because he was hoping something was going to happen and he did not want to get

this is the thing, you may not be focusing on it right now because you are so devastated, he has to own up to everything. tell the complete truth about it all, every single item you bring up. until and unless he does - you simply will not get over it.

he has broken the trust you had in him. i know he was stressed, but what about you? it is ok for you to be stressed but not him? that will not fly with me, what in the hell made him more important than you?

empathy - this is a big one, had he sat down and really thought about it - what would he do if it were you in that office, purposely walking over to turn the video camera off while hard bodied young stud was waiting for you in the next room? does fis-ta-cuffs come to mind? he would be a raving maniac.

now, if this is one of those 'old dood feeling old, feeling like it is all over for him, mr. johnson does not do for him what it use to stories' i get it. who amongst us has not made poor choice - not to this magnitude of course but.......... if this is the case then the 2 of you together can and should be able to work this out. but you will need to do it together.

building a new foundation - this time TRULY laid with the bricks of honesty, integrity, loyalty, love, commitment, open communication, living life like an open book, laughter and future plans and dreams. i might want to also add legacy - he is going to need to repair that part with his children. the legacy men leave behind says so much. ask him what legacy is this going to leave for his children to remember him by? not a picture he wants them carrying around for the rest of their lives.

give yourself time to grieve, you have lost something that was probably one of your top three most valued feelings in life - trust............................ funny how trust takes so long to build and yet can be lost in a 15 minute meeting with a young woman not even half your age. does the saying 'there is no fool like an old fool' hit the nail on the head or what?

ask him this what would he think of a man who attempted this with his daughter? not much of a man i am thinking.

in closing i want to turn on the yellow warning lights - do not, in any way, even for one second believe this says anything about you. it does not................ do not let it affect how you feel about you, it should not................... start taking time to put YOU FIRST. all of these years it has been about him and the kids, now it is about you. love you first, as you will never hurt you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 4:50pm

Dear Cedar,

My H cheated after 21 years of M and 25 years together, since we started dating in 1980. In 2006, he had an A. We have been rebuilding for the last 4 years. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this, I understand what it is like to be betrayed after so much history together and so much of your lives intertwined.

Lie, deny and minimize is the mantra of the wandering spouse (WS). They will tell you as little as possible and lie repeatedly to enable them to hide, or continue their inappropriate behavior. Your H, at the very least, is having an EA with this girl, and who knows if they had sex that night. As another poster pointed out, there are some real red flags here, and much of what your H told you does not add up exactly. That usually means there is more to the story. The fact was, whether she allowed him to or not, his INTENTION was to have sex with her. And worse yet, if this young girl was drunk, as he said, he was possibly trying to take advantage of her.

I would caution you about having sex with your H right now. It has not really been established whether or not they have been physical, then or at any other time, and her behavior seems promiscuous. You may want him tested for STD’s (and yourself), if you at all suspect they have been intimate.

Your H has a huge issue with boundaries that are appropriate for a MM, therefore he has to discontinue any contact with this girl IMMEDIATELY. Period, non-negotiable. Affairs, and infatuations of this sort have an addictive component, and the only way to break that is to go no contact. If you are concerned for her well being, give her a generous severance package and references and get rid of her. If you are worried about a lawsuit, you may have to find some other way to achieve NC, or limited contact with you there. NC is the first and primary rule in trying to save the M, if that is what you are choosing to do. If he refuses to do this, unfortunately, he is showing you that you and your M are not his first priority.

Run, don’t walk to a counselor, because you may have to try several before you get a good fit. Not only MC, but individual C for you, to help you deal with this trauma, and for your H. Try to get one who is familiar with saving marriages after infidelity. They need to be familiar with the roller coaster of emotions you will be bombarded with for a very long time, not for weeks or months but years, as the betrayed spouse. They need to address your H, and the damage his behavior has done to your M. Your H needs to learn empathy for your pain and distrust of him, and be tolerant of it when it comes up. Through C, your H needs to find out WHY he feels the need for this kind of activity, and then he needs to get emotionally healthy, so that he will not be tempted to do this again, with her, or any other willing participant. His thought patterns and behaviors need to change entirely, or this will not be the last time you deal with this. When you see him starting to “get a clue”, then your sense of security will improve, and the need to question and “beat him up” over this will diminish, but a lot of work has to be done before you can get to that point. If he is intolerant of that, then sadly, he is not really willing to do anything he needs to, to repair your R. If the M was one of the vulnerabilities, then you will both need to work on that. That in no way indicates that you are at fault for any of this. This is all about a flaw or a weakness within your H, and it needs to be addressed as such. Since your kids know, they may need some C also.

I caution you

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 9:50am