Again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
Again?
5
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 9:21am

I posted this on the Life after Betrayal board, but I feel like it should have probably gone here.



So I have been here for a while. I don't post very often because I've become a very quiet private person. But I find myself with no where to turn. I can't speak to my friends or family because they went through this with me the first time, and while they supported my decision, no one was really happy about it.


Long story short my husband had a long-term affair. He eventually moved out (and in with this woman). After 3 weeks of living with her he got the "grass isn't greener" syndrome and begged to come home. I allowed it with the stipulation that all contact ended and that if it resumed it would be a deal breaker. He agreed. We moved to a new neighborhood, presumably a new life with no strings to the past. Things were going SO well.


About 3 weeks ago I received a text message that wasn't intended for me. It said "I'm out. I have 30 minutes before work if you want to talk. How are you?" I responded "That was really stupid" He instantly called and told me that it was intended for a friend. I checked the phone logs and while I didn't recognize the number it was not the friend he named. Fast forward....he asked me to fix his computer (the one that his "friend" gave him brand new in the box) - by the way the old flame is infamous for giving expensive gifts - he couldn't access a game we both played online. So i fixed it and logged into the game as him (on his computer remember) to test it out. As I played I moved around within the game and noticed someone following me everywhere I went. I looked up that persons ID and while it is obviously a fake ID all of the groups they belong too so do my husband including his political view sites, TV show favorites, and local information.


I then searched this person on Yahoo. It has 2 connections. My husband and the other womans best friend. Its kind of hard now to deny who it is even without a name attached...well her real name. She is posing as a married man on the alter egos.


Anyway, I don't know how to proceed. My children are intensely attached to my husband. I do love this man even through the BS.


Sorry its so long...it felt good to get it all out though.


BTW - and what I forgot to add...to look at him react to me you'd think we were perfect. He's loving, attentive, kind (most of the time), posts publically on FB even knowing she can see it as my pages are not private.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
In reply to: k_lynnx2
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 10:06am

Hugs to you. I know this must be so hard.

Have you talked with your husband about these things? Have you told him your thoughts?

Have you been seeing a therapist?

This is not going to be easy im sure. Is this all the evidence you do have against him? Check the phone records.

Hang in there. Anytime you need to talk we are all here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
In reply to: k_lynnx2
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 11:11pm

I am so sorry that you are hurting.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
In reply to: k_lynnx2
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 1:35pm

It just keeps getting better and better. He lied when confronted. I admit I freaked out and yelled that I knew that the fake profile and the fake emails were from her. He naturally lied. He said no that is "frank" it took 2 hours and me explaining that it all linked back to her for him to admit to "just talking". He says "We have nothing, there is nothing going on. I bounce ideas off of her and vent sometimes." Um, I looked at past bills, 4000 texts to between him her in one month and 1000 between him and me (yes he had that many texts) is not bouncing ideas off someone.

Then the bombshell. Since he changed all of his passwords and has told her to not text him any more I can't access his email...at least not remotely. BUT...(and I realize I am going in circles here - i am truely losing my mind). We play an online game together and apparently he introduced her to it as well. The other night we were playing and she showed up online. She's not very smart because I already knew she had changed her profile picture. So I pointed her out and we switched to another area of the game. 10 minutes later she showed up again. He made this BIG production of deleting her from his buddies (yep she's still there) and phone her to tell her to knock it off. I checked the phone bill, he didn't call anyone.

So now she's very angry that because of me she couldn't play. Then she says - "I know she's your wife but that doesn't mean she gets to control you. I also know its only 5 more years until we can be together (I assume waiting for my kids to graduate). Our anniversary is coming up and I guess if we've made it this long I can wait" or something along those lines.

5 YEARS?? Are you kidding me?? Now tell me why I can't throw this man out on his butt? Why do I love him so much? I want him to leave, but I can't tell him so. What is WRONG with me!!!!!

Oh and while your at it please tell me what kind of woman would let a man live a double life like this? What kind of woman is really OK with this kind of treatment? I hate her and really care nothing for how she fairs in all this but I am curious. What makes ANY of this ok for her???

I'm going to see a counselor this week. I can't handle my own life anymore. I feel like I am seriously spiraling out of control. My house is a wreck. I haven't cleaned in a week. I don't cook. I am at work only because I didn't want to stay at home. He's there almost all day except when he goes to meet her a couple hours out of every day it seems.

I'm done ranting now. I'm sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
In reply to: k_lynnx2
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 1:57pm
wow imho you need to draw the line and end this hell (yours of course)
if it helps realize that this is NOT the man you thought he was
that always helped me
only you can stop this, most WS will not
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
In reply to: k_lynnx2
Sun, 05-02-2010 - 11:37am

You will leave when it hurts to much to stay. You have no other choice. Start telling family it will help speed up the process. I think you haven't told them yet because you know what you have to do, just emotionally your not ready.

Your self esteem is down!!! In fact I have a friend and I when her and her awful husband argue she decided to tell him, "honey I am staying with you because I suffer from self esteem and one day I will get it back and I will leave you".

;) He hates it and is completely threatened every day she gets stronger. And my friend will leave, sometime unfortunately I am not always a good friend because I can't hear it anymore. Some days not always though.