All Dried Up...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
All Dried Up...
Sat, 06-13-2009 - 12:00am

Something is happening to me... I seemed to have stopped crying??? I mean, the feelings still come up and almost get me. Then they just go away. Maybe I'm still in shock or maybe it's something else. I know I'm getting stronger, every second I feel it! Being alone, all of the sudden, doesn't bother me nearly as much as it did before. Maybe it's because I've been spending sssoooo much time alone? It feels good to take these tiny steps into my future, hard but good.

I'm only 3 months, 2 days past dday. But it wasn't the first... I've been on this ride before. I went to a counselor this week and am going again next week. My h has been trying some off and on. But today, I found more communication between the two of them. I know there hasn't been a lot this week. But today, I saw things that were very clearly an attempt to connect tonight and that they very much "needed" to see each other.

Who knows what he'll do? I just got home and he had left a note saying, "gone to the store". We'll see how long he's gone...sometimes he gets lost and ends up at her house!? It's almost comical at times. His weakness and ability to lie, does he really think he's getting away with something? Ugh, I'm totally disgusted with people that live this way. I think I don't want to live this way anymore! NO, I know I don't want to live this way anymore!

So, again I find myself wondering what next? Now what do I do? This all takes so much time. I just keep doing my thing and gaining strength. I guess I just want to do this right. I want to take the right steps, no matter where this leads? Healing takes time, choices take time... I read somewhere that it took a long time to get here and it will probably take longer to get back. There is much work to be done, no matter where this all goes...the work has to be done!

Stupid Jerk! I wish he would get his act together! He really does have so much potential, but is throwing away his life!

So, for all of my fellow partners in pain keep reminding yourself that this is really their problem. I know it hurts... more pain than you thought you could feel. But when their attacking you and looking at you with daggers, just remember it's nothing you did or can do. It's all up to them. And you're going to have to suffer through it, but the clock will keep ticking and time will pass. I can't wait for the next 3 months and 2 days to be over! I can hardly wait to see myself then. I just keep reminding myself that for everyday that I can get through and hold myself together, i am that much closer to being further away from this pain that I feel right now.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 06-13-2009 - 1:05am
I think sometimes you just get numb about it all.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Sat, 06-13-2009 - 1:24am

I guess I was wrong, about being all dried up. Just spent the last 30 minutes crying, but that beats the 3 hours I would have spent before. I am becoming numb again. I hate this horrible feeling of helplessness.

I don't know where she lives. It doesn't matter, he knows that I know where he is and what he's doing. It would only hurt me more to see it. It's now 2 1/2 hrs. later, he didn't come home and I doubt if he will at all. If she knew the things he had shared with me this week, the words and moments, promises, memories and dreams... I wonder if she would have been so welcoming. I guess it doesn't matter. Neither one of them obviously has any morals or care for anyone other than themselves. It's so confusing... all this week he's been complaining to me about her and how much he can't stand her and how disgusted he is that he ever saw anything in her at all. I guess I'm just the fool again, for ever thinking one word coming out of his mouth could be truthful. It's so pathetic, he gets totally wasted before he sees her know. It's like he can't be sober and do what he's doing... he has to numb out first and then he's capable. What happened to the great guy I married. I feel like the tears tonight were less about what's happened to me and more about morning the death of my marriage.

Sometimes, part of me wonders if I stay in hopes that he'll come around and then I can leave him when he realizes what he's done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Sat, 06-13-2009 - 9:07am

I have come to the point were I no longer snoop or follow my H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Sat, 06-13-2009 - 9:28am

I feel like the tears tonight were less about what's happened to me and more about morning the death of my marriage.

Then I'll bet you're right.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Sat, 06-13-2009 - 12:41pm

That's just it... my marriage is dying. A very slow and painful death that I feel helpless to do anything about. Everything in me wants to save it, rescue it, fix it... and I can't. Nothing I do stops the damage that he continues to do. What really kills me, is that I know he will come around. In my head and in my heart I know he'll figure it out and come around. He always does.

I suppose every time we've gone through this our marriage has gotten weaker and sicker. At this point, I just don't know if it can survive again? And if it does, what about the next time?

I'm getting lost inside my own head, this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, sadness and defeat. I'm a fighter by nature, I don't like to give up! I don't want to give up! Who knows though... maybe that's what I've been doing by staying in this relationship?

I feel so sad and defeated today. He did come home last night, very late and slept next to me in our bed. He left again early this morning, with promises of spending the day together as a family tomorrow. I couldn't even speak, just stare and not say a word. I could see the struggle in his eyes, the regret for the choice he is making. But it's not enough, he left anyway and he thinks I'll be here when he returns. I don't know? I don't know where to go or what to do? Guess I'll just go for another walk... sometimes I just want to keep going and never look back. But my kids are here and they need me, they need to feel safe and that's my job alone now. For I know he is spending today with her and her young children... he has abandoned us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Sat, 06-13-2009 - 2:14pm

I am really sorry for your situation. I don't think I could take that kind of abuse, and that is what it is. I hope you find the strength to do make the right decisions for you.

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 06-13-2009 - 3:28pm
What to do next?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Sun, 06-14-2009 - 2:35am

I've been there too. My H's excuse was he had to go to the office and write a very serious report at may take all night. We know BS when it confronts us. I know it's so hard to accept, but it is happening and we need to take care of ourselves. They are in their zone of lies and living a double life. Leave them too it. A girlfriend put me onto a book called 'The Power of Now' by Eckhardt Tolle. I was in so much pain I wasn't thinking straight. I'd never buy a book with that title as my normal self. But I got it and read it 3 times non-stop...curled up in my bed. It was exactly what I was looking for, I understood my pain and I learnt how to deal with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Sun, 06-14-2009 - 12:27pm

It is good that you understand that your kids need to feel secure and safe and that should be your focus. How old are they? My daughter and son were 20 and 22 when I told them I had to leave their father and even at those ages it was devastating for them to see my pain and know that their father could do what he did. They temporarily fell apart but I saw them grow up right then and there when they became strong and helped me through.

You asked if you should be waiting when he returns once again to "play" husband and father. What I did was plan a mini getaway vacation at the beach

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Sun, 06-14-2009 - 5:05pm
Thank you bjean,
I am getting there... Our children are 13 and 18. They have both been very much affected by what is going on. For the most part, my H has been a good father and we have always spent a lot of time as a family. This has been a huge shock to both of them, as they too are feeling abandoned and don't know what is to come.
Our son(18) is talking about the service and seems to want to get as far away from this mess as he can, fast! He's very hurt by his fathers choices. Some days my H will be overwhelmed with guilt and spend some quality time with the kids. Sometimes, I think that makes it even harder on them. Because they don't understand why he disconnects from everything so often?
Our daughter(13) is at that very raw age already and sure doesn't need to be dealing with this, too. She's always been a very easy going kid. But lately, she is really struggling. I think I'm going to get her into counseling, too.
She tends to get very angry with me... I guess I'm the only one around when she's feeling hurt and confused.
I love you idea of getting away for awhile. I've been thinking of doing just that. I have a place I could stay about 4 hours away, at the beach.
After the last several days, I feel very disconnected from this whole situation and just feel like I'm just functioning until I find my strength. I just don't have any idea what my future holds any more and I used to be so hopeful...