All Dried Up...
Find a Conversation
|Sat, 06-13-2009 - 12:00am|
Something is happening to me... I seemed to have stopped crying??? I mean, the feelings still come up and almost get me. Then they just go away. Maybe I'm still in shock or maybe it's something else. I know I'm getting stronger, every second I feel it! Being alone, all of the sudden, doesn't bother me nearly as much as it did before. Maybe it's because I've been spending sssoooo much time alone? It feels good to take these tiny steps into my future, hard but good.
I'm only 3 months, 2 days past dday. But it wasn't the first... I've been on this ride before. I went to a counselor this week and am going again next week. My h has been trying some off and on. But today, I found more communication between the two of them. I know there hasn't been a lot this week. But today, I saw things that were very clearly an attempt to connect tonight and that they very much "needed" to see each other.
Who knows what he'll do? I just got home and he had left a note saying, "gone to the store". We'll see how long he's gone...sometimes he gets lost and ends up at her house!? It's almost comical at times. His weakness and ability to lie, does he really think he's getting away with something? Ugh, I'm totally disgusted with people that live this way. I think I don't want to live this way anymore! NO, I know I don't want to live this way anymore!
So, again I find myself wondering what next? Now what do I do? This all takes so much time. I just keep doing my thing and gaining strength. I guess I just want to do this right. I want to take the right steps, no matter where this leads? Healing takes time, choices take time... I read somewhere that it took a long time to get here and it will probably take longer to get back. There is much work to be done, no matter where this all goes...the work has to be done!
Stupid Jerk! I wish he would get his act together! He really does have so much potential, but is throwing away his life!
So, for all of my fellow partners in pain keep reminding yourself that this is really their problem. I know it hurts... more pain than you thought you could feel. But when their attacking you and looking at you with daggers, just remember it's nothing you did or can do. It's all up to them. And you're going to have to suffer through it, but the clock will keep ticking and time will pass. I can't wait for the next 3 months and 2 days to be over! I can hardly wait to see myself then. I just keep reminding myself that for everyday that I can get through and hold myself together, i am that much closer to being further away from this pain that I feel right now.