An almost beautiful love story
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|Wed, 01-22-2014 - 3:56pm|
I've never written anything in a group before and sort of stumbled across your group about 30 minutes ago. When I woke up this morning I didn't realize I was so hung up on my situation. Now I see how much it is affecting me. Let me explain.
I have been in a relationship with an ex for the last 5 months. Before you say "Exes are exes for a reason" let me say my situation is a bit different. As a couple, we got along fine. We were very young and made the best of being broke and in love. And we were good at being in love and at making love. We are a great example of opposites attracting. Everything was going well. My ex is a charming person, outgoing, talkative and interesting as well as attractive. I had worried the whole relationship that my ex would or was cheating. And then it actually happened.
My ex just up and left. There was no mention of cheating, just that the relationship was over. It was blamed on something silly I suggested we try in bed once. My ex never admitted there had been infidelity at that time. It was always just something I had assumed and the assumption consumed me. The assumptions also led to me feeling worthless in a lot of ways. I knew my ex didn't have a problem with my body type and yet I blamed myself for not being prettier. Or funnier. Or more likeable in general. I blamed myself for everything just as a way to justify us not being together.
I got together with someone else and we dated for over 7 years. We married for almost 2. Over the years I couldn't stop thinking about my ex and my ex wondered about me as well. I wondered if I could have ever been 'enough' for them. My then-partner and I broke up for our own reasons. And the first thing I wanted to do was find my ex and talk. I still thought I just wasn't enough for them. That had to be the reason for the break up because in the very few times we'd spoken over the last 12 years there was no further explanation as to why the relationship ended.
Twelve years later (this past August) my ex contacts me through Facebook. We were both single. We decided to try again. My heart and my mind and my soul were on cloud nine. We started talking again, there was finally admittance of the cheating, but no reason. It was just 'their problem'. My ex, now current again, still doesn't know what to tell me to make it better. I am terrified to ask for details. I know it only happened once and I'm pretty sure it happened within a few days of our break up. My ex says "I left to avoid hurting you anymore, I knew this would hurt you so much". I feel like knowing any more than what I already know would only allow me to nit pick the differences between myself and the other woman which is not healthy and would only perpetuate what I've already been doing for 12 years. What wasn't realized until now is that it didn't just hurt. It broke me. I had viewed myself in a particular light over the last 12 years because of that relationship. And nothing, not even my ex-now-current could undo that negative and self-harming thought pattern. They are trying, but I'm struggling with it.
I have had 5 serious relationships over the last 17 years. In every one of those situations my partner cheated. That will get to a person. My ex-now-current was number 2. And that hurt has stuck with me more than anything else.
I realize that I have issues I need to work out on my own. Those belong to me and originated in me and only I can help them. But as much as I've dreamt about being back together I'm terrified it will happen again. Even typing that sentence has brought me to tears. My ex-now-current is doing everything they can to make me feel secure and to apologize. I am told when and where they will be, I'm texted when they're home, I am told constantly that I am loved. I'm not saying it's not enough. But I don't know what to do from here. For 12 years I thought I had done something, said something, been something that had drove them away. Now I find out the truth about the whole situation. My ex was always in love with me. Yes there was an affair, once. We broke up directly after. My ex hasn't cheated on anyone else. My ex didn't ever try to be in love with anyone else because they knew they were in love with me. My ex wanted me to be happy so there was little contact between us over the years. Now my ex wants to be together and wants to move forward with our lives as one. But I still struggle.
How can you be in love with someone and cheat on them? I don't understand that. I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm just saying I don't understand.
How could you cheat on the person you're in love with and never cheat on anyone else you're not in love with? Again, I just don't understand that.
I appreciate anyone who has decided to read this post. I also appreciate those who are willing to offer sound advice. I have been scouring the web today looking for advice on how to let go or if I will even be able to move on.
If we hadn't broken up due to an affair, we would have a beautiful love story. Instead it's just almost beautiful. There is that blemish. Does it ever go away?