Am I crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Am I crazy?
12
Thu, 03-27-2014 - 10:46am

My husband had an emotional affair with his boss. This is a woman that he brought into my life and the lives of my children and we became friends. He told me about the affair about 6 months ago, even though I'd known for at least a year that it was happening. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 03-27-2014 - 11:28am

No I don't think you are crazy.  I find your MIL's behavior kind of odd.  I think you should tell her that she doesn't need to "keep an eye" on this woman's behavior.  I think if she & your DH are doing anything shady, then I doubt they will be posting it on FB for all the world to see.  I'd also be upset about your DH having lunch w/ her alone.  Is this something that he absolutely needs to do for work?  If they have to meet, why do they have to have lunch?  Why don't they just have a business meeting in an office with othr people around?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Thu, 03-27-2014 - 11:36am

He says they don't have lunch anymore or even see or talk unless it's work related. I've told him that anytime he speaks to her about anything personal, it would be disrespectful to me. He knows how I feel about her so he should WANT to not have a friendly relationship with her. 

As far a mil goes, she knows that this woman will "vaguebook". She talks about her friends who have cheated on their spouses (won't name names) and she always makes herself out to be the victim. "Oh, poor me! My friend is cheating on his wife and I don't know what to do" things like that. Mil said that she would keep an eye out. Plus, husband travels a lot and she is going see if this woman goes to the same places. They traveled to San Diego, Vegas, etc for work conventions before I knew about the affair. What bothers me is her commenting on the pictures. How can she be so nice to the woman who tried to help break up your grandchildren's family and also hurt your "daughter" (she never calls me an inlaw) so badly?! How do you do that? I see that as a betrayal

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 03-28-2014 - 11:08pm

If I were you I would focus less on her. Why do you want your husband to tell you if he talks with her? You won´t gain anything knowing that and can you really trust he is telling you the truth? It is hard to trust someone who have had an affair, but affais as anyother relationship sometimes comes to an end.

I would avoid facebook for a while, so you don´t have to find out if your MIL or anyone else contacts her. It is hard to find loyal people, when I got divorced I found out that the onlyone who was divorcing was myself ,because some other people contaced my ex husband if they need him for something.

This seems to be a tringle,eventhough your husband has or has not finished that affair, it looks like this is still a triangle. Don´t be part of it. No one knows what the future holds but I think it is not healthy for you to continue wondering or finfind put what goes on. Focus on your life and what can improve it and leave the rest. I know it is hard to do suck a thing but I´m sure you will feel m ore in control of your life and happier.

 Hope I have helped!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Sat, 03-29-2014 - 12:54am

You ARE NOT CRAZY!  You are being betrayed by both your husband and his mother, and probably many others!!!  They have both shown you enormous disrespect by disregarding your wishes.  He is obviously still cheating in some manner if he is lying to you about being with her,  He hasn't changed his behaviior despite changing jobs, and his mother is supporting his selfish behavior.  Time to TAKE A STAND.   I suggest shutting his mother out from your life and the life of your children.  She doesn't deserve that kind of attention.  Apparently she has no idea where her loyalties should lie.  ( IE: with you or with some outsider seeking her son's attention).  So ignore her, her pathetic FB posts, her calls, etc.  

Your H is a different story, however.  You must lay down the law if you want this nonsense to end.  He obviously continues to see this woman and lie to you about it.  So your marriage is going nowhere.  And sorry to say this to you, but eventually many emotional affairs become physical ones.  How dare they discuss your marital issues with others?  I can understand how frustrated and helpless you might feel.  

Well honey time to take a stand.  He absolutely needs to avoid all contact with this woman who obviously has no respect for your marriage.  He needs to be absolutely transparent with his calls, texts, emails.  If he refuses, then he clearly has things to hide, and that makes the marriage a total lie.    Im curious, does this woman have a husband and family?  If so, she may not appreciate her family members knowing about her inappropriate relationships.  

But whatever her intentions, in the end it is up to your husband to make the clear choice: you or her. (Assuming you still want to work on the marriage and keep him).  Ultimatums are difficult because you must be absolutely willing to back up your actions, or you lose all credibility.  But right now, your H is having his cake and eating it too.  And it is eating your heart out.  Stay strong and consider making a stand.  Otherwise this situation could continue indefintely.  Best wishes and keep us posted.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 03-29-2014 - 7:12pm

Everything Lisachilene said is true. One thing I might add though is perhaps your MIL is trying to pull the wool over the OW's eyes to stay on her good side to keep up with what she's doing. However, it is never a good idea to ask for or get assistance from family members of the WS.

One other thing that I'd stress is as your H is deleting his calls/texts, he's not making his life an open book.  He needs to have absolutely no contact with this woman. None! If that means changing jobs completely so that he does not have to interact with her on any level, then so be it. His wife and family should mean so much to him that he is willing to do whatever it takes.

Wish you the best,

GW

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 03-29-2014 - 7:31pm

This is the 180 list by Michele Weiner Davis that helped so many of us going through our H's affair.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 1:20pm

Thank you for all of the advice. 

First, I wish I could demand that he get another job so that he never has to deal with her. Unfortunately, that is unrealistic due to the fact that he's been in this field for more than 10 years and he's good at it. Plus, it's not like there are hundreds of jobs just sitting empty. I just need to try to trust him. 

As far as staying away from Facebook, I have blocked her. That way, I wlll never be alerted when one of my friends/family comments, likes, one of her pics or vice versa. That has actually helped the past few days. Not having to see that kind of stuff. 

I've decided that I cannot prevent anyone from being her friend or being in contact with her. I just have to hope that they respect my feelings and do not invite her to anything that I will be attending. There are two occasions in the near future that I am concerned about but I'm going to discuss my concerns with some of them before so that it isn't a problem. We are doing a charity walk and I fear that she will try to walk with us. I pray that dh tells her that it's a bad idea. Then, we always have a huge 4th of July party with this group of friends and I worry that she will try to weasel an invite to that, as well. Again, I'm hoping dh will tell her that she's not welcome. I don't want to be the witch who tells her friends who they can and can't hang out with but it's a respect thing, in my opinion. If you know that someone has hurt your good friend, don't invite that person anywhere that your good friend will be. Am I right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 3:11pm

Of course you're not crazy.  It's one thing to need office contact.  But it's not a good thing AT ALL for this woman to know all about your marriage problems - how did that come about to begin with?  She should have no knowledge of that, it's private between you and your DH.  If he is talking to her about all of that, it's totally inappropriate and he needs to stop it and apologize if he's done it already, and it sounds like she heard it from SOMEONE.  This woman is no friend if she's spreading details of your private life, either, and he needs to tell her to knock it off and STOP sharing any private details.  If you know for a fact he's lied about his whereabouts as you said, big red flag.  People don't hide anything unless there's something TO hide, so you need to confront him about this, don't just sit wondering.  Whatever your mil is doing, she needs to butt out, too.  I'd suggest marriage counseling, a good therapist will see right thru the BS. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 12:24pm

He told her everything about our marriage. They were very good friends who worked very closely together and began an emotional affair. I thought she was a friend to me when they first started working together but once I told her that I was uncomfortable with their close relationship and she did nothing to back it off, I realized that she was never a friend to me. She enjoyed the attention my husband paid to her and she enjoyed being the "sound board" for him to talk to about our problems. 

I am still disgusted with him for opening up to her about these things but I choose to try to work it out with him. The bottom line is, she had NO right to tell anyone about my marital problems. She had no right to disrespect my wishes about not texting/calling my husband at 2am on a Tuesday or 11am on a Saturday.  

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: khatru1
Fri, 04-04-2014 - 10:56am

I think you are focused too much on everyone else and not enough on your husbands behavior. Deleting calls and texts? Unacceptable. His life must be an open book, especially after admitting an emotional affair. I think you are perhaps letting him off the hook too easily. Have you two sat down and discussed why he had this affair? Have you tried to fix and resolve those issues and problems? Or has the resolution simple been for him to stop seeing her? Do you really truly want to make your marriage better or are you just interested in holding onto the idea of marriage? The majority of your posts have been about other people and not your husband and your actual relationship with him.

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