Am I crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2011
Am I crazy?
7
Thu, 08-25-2011 - 10:35pm
I found out in July my husband of 7 yrs was having an emotional affair with a customer of his. I help him out at the office and have his email passcode. I found a chain of emails of him flirting with this other woman, going to a concert with her sister other customers. She actually declined his request for going out to dinner stating that she had a boyfriend and she also declined 2 happy hour requests. We definitely have our issues and I am not the perfect wife but I would never act the way he did. We have an appt with a counselor next month. The was an incident also four yrs ago with a woman he meet in training with his company she lives in another state and is happily married it seemed very one sided. My H likes to flirt and the attn. He is always stating how ugly he is begging for compliments from these other women. Where I think I am crazy is that I am constantly monitoring his email and phone bill and I am almost excited when I catch him in something. It is like I am obsessed. I will be fine for weeks and all of the sudden freak out and rehash the same thing over and over again. I have a hard time forgiving anybody. I am so embarrassed I haven't told anybody. He admitted that he liked the attn and it was wrong and he has always been a flirt but never thought about how he would think if I did the same thing to a man. He is trying to change but I a firm believer that once a worm always a worm. Does anybody else get obsessed with trying to find out more I swear it just seems crazy......
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2011
In reply to: kjp777
Thu, 08-25-2011 - 11:36pm

No your not crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2011
In reply to: kjp777
Fri, 08-26-2011 - 12:26am
It does help thank you for sharing your experience in your marriage. You are exactly right with safety I do not feel safe I can't wait until I feel it again I miss the stability. I feel very alone and the nights are the worst for me my mind just doesn't stop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
In reply to: kjp777
Fri, 08-26-2011 - 8:39am

Hi kjp777.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: kjp777
Sat, 08-27-2011 - 1:24pm
Thing is once you start the phone checking it can become an obsession. And it will remain that way UNTIL you trust him again. He needs to seek counseling for his self esteem issues and figure out WHY he needs all this validation from other women to feel good about himself. And as ollie said, how far would this have gone IF she hadn't turned down his repeated invitations?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
In reply to: kjp777
Sat, 08-27-2011 - 8:17pm

You're not crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2011
In reply to: kjp777
Sat, 08-27-2011 - 10:42pm
Thanks Ollie your message hit the nail on the head. I agree with everything you said. Before having my 4yr old I was the bread winner and everything changed after that changed. I'm in school and graduating May 2013 I know it is awhile off but I will be able to support my daughter on my own and have flexible working hrs if it comes to that. I will keep all of you posted to what happens. Thank you for the advice and hugs they were needed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: kjp777
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 5:28pm
Nah, you're not crazy, not at all. It's perfectly normal to have this need to monitor his e-mail - at one time I would have found THAT a betrayal, welllllll, not anymore I don't! Your husband has a PROBLEM, not you, you're fine. It's one thing to just think about other people or have a little crush....but once you take it to the next level with real, live CONTACT, you've changed the meaning of it completely, it becomes something else. So he's aware he has this problem, what's he going to do about it? We ALL have problems, and there is help out there for it. This is about self-esteem, he needs a pro to help him see the need to stop this and why. But don't get down on yourself simply because you are obsessed with this - according to Dr. Phil it takes as long as it takes, trust is a bugger to restore. Your reaction is not a sign something is wrong with you, it's a sign of a trust issue he has created. You're fine! If he hadn't done this crap, you wouldn't be obsessing.