Am i just feeding into his addiction

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2012
Am i just feeding into his addiction
4
Wed, 04-04-2012 - 8:00pm

I found out 1 1/2 weeks ago that my husband had an affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 04-05-2012 - 12:26am
Paranoia- hello! Sorry to find you here. I will speak from from what I learned of my own experience. First thing first. Your husband is an adult. He went into his affair with full awareness to what he was doing. X AP did not force him due to his weakness. Affairs take two willing participants. They take a lot of time, effort, lies and deception to keep them alive! It is natural to have an increased sex drive, lust for your partner post affair discovery. The experts say that's our animalistic way to reclaim what was ours. This will go away as the mental images of him having sex share space in your bedroom. You may feel disgust, you may opt to stop sex altogether. Do what you feel comfortable with. I think very few WS spill the entire truth upon discovery. Some give the trickle truth over time, or half truths, or they try to minimize how intense their affair really was. If you feel that that something isn't sounding right or there are missing chapters from the story, then there is a good chance you don't have the whole story. Your intuition is there for a purpose. He has placed your physical health at risk. Please go get checked for stds. Ask that he do the same. Don't feel that you need to make any decisions right now. I was high on adrenaline for about 3 months. For 5 months I had extreme mood swings: anger, despair, confusion. I couldn't eat or sleep. I never cried so much in my whole life. I felt used, I felt like a fool. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't control my emotions, so I just let them come. It hurt to bottle them up. I saw an attorney. I needed to know about custody, alimony, child support. I needed to know that should I opt for divorce, that i could survive. I never felt so empowered in my life. I went home and I sat my H down and I told him this. I was now in the drivers seat in this marriage. I would no longer sit in the back like a child. I had an entire list of demands. I told him I had seen an attorney, I told him i didn't know what I was going to do or what I was going to decide. I told him that he was in an "earn" his way back into the marriage because I wasn't sure who he was anymore and I didn't know if I wanted him in my life from that point forward. Afterall, he showed himself to be a liar, cheater, betrayer, manipulator etc. hard words to associate with the man who was suppose to be there to stand by you and protect you. Many times my husband would try to argue with me, talk to me the way he use to. I'd just get up and walk away. I was done with the BS. I'd tell him that list I shared with him was non negotiable. Either he stays and shows/proves his worth or he walks away. As with any addict, sometimes tough love is the only way. Just for clarification as to my list here are a few examples: I will never ask for money again (I work FT). I will never be told I am physically defective in anyway, I will not tolerate more lies, I will not be yelled at or pointed at, etc. It's a pathetic list. I carry my list in my purse. I did my planning when I felt the most strength, usually when I was angry. When I was weak, tearful, scared and unsure I didn't do much of anything but just try to get thru the day. In order to get thru this, your H needs to be available to you. He has all the pieces to your puzzle. If he gets mad at your questions he is just deflecting from having to reveal the truth. He needs to become an open book and be willing to do anything you ask. He failed to protect you by the wound he has inflicted and he should now willingly and assertively help to make you feel safe. It's my personal opinion to tell as few people as possible. Tell only that one or two person(s) that positively have to know and that you trust implicitly. Sometimes we don't need others opinions or bias, we just need an objective, listening ear. This is your life's story and no one else's. This is your marriage. No matter what you decide, it's your choice and no one else's. I also don't feel that you should give yourself a timeframe to get over this. Your husband has no say in how long the healing process will take. He also should be willing to have you ask the same questions over and over. You will stop asking when you are satisfied with the answers. In the best of circumstances, he should be on his knees begging for your forgiveness. He should thank you often for giving him a second chance. Please don't take blame for your husbands bad choices. You are not flawed. You probably couldn't of prevented it. You are worthy of respect and loyalty from your partner. Lastly, take this time to focus on you. Who you are, who you want to be, what you want from life and marriage. Trust your judgements and instincts. Do what you can to rebuild yourself. You are much much stronger then you realize. Take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 04-05-2012 - 12:03pm

Hi and I'm sorry you have had to find yourself on this site.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2012
Fri, 04-06-2012 - 10:34am

Thanks, it is nice to hear of others stories.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2012
Fri, 04-13-2012 - 4:14am

I found out almost a year ago that my husband of 23 years has had a sexual addiction. Wow, he was very good at keeping it a secret. He is extremely remorseful and was thankful to get caught. I have since learned that wanting to make love after finding out isn't unusual.. It's about bonding again. My husband has been very consistent and transparent about where he is, who he calls and how he spends his money. I never knew sex could be an addiction, but it's true. It's an escape just like many addictions. The difference is usually it's non intimate and self centered sex. The sex our husbands have with us is loving and giving. I am only staying with him because I sincerely believe he is very sorry and ashamed of his past. I also have two teenagers and I don't want to divorce. I have divorced parents and it has been a nightmare. Your marriage can be better after infidelity. The reason is because if your husband is desperate not to lose you, he is willing to do whatever it takes to improve the marriage. This has been the hardest year of my life. A complete roller coaster of emotions. When my husband was being unfaithful, he was emotionally distant. Now he is a big teddy bear. The best way to sum it up is "Bittersweet".

Sincerely, Bsweet