Am i Justified?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Am i Justified?
12
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 12:26pm

It has been more than 2 months to my dday. In the beginning i posted on this board got a lot of support from u people and then things got better between... i thought i am getting over the betrayal but something happens and we keep having set backs and i am tired of these set backs...


My H is doing everything i am asking him to do. telling me everything about his affair and answered all my question. my problem is that he is still talking to her for business, daily. he has told me from beginning that he can't end that. And then he shares his days with me, tells me about her(not like when his affair was on, he used to omit her name from all the talks).I try to act calm but inside i am panicking. and then i just let it go most of the times but sometimes i just can't handle it anymore and demand from him that he just throw her out of our lives .... i go mad, angry, tell him that i am not important enough for him to just end all contacts with her. Another thing is that although he hasn't got any personal relations with her anymore but still he feels responsible for her and talks highly of her to me ,like she is a very unselfish person and does all these favors for him and other people.... and all this make me more angry and i want to lash out to him that she is not a good person , if she was not she would have left him immediately after i came to know, in fact she would never have got involved with a married man if she was a good person. But i don't say all these things to him.


he keeps telling me that he committed a BIG mistake ,Why? because he has ruined HER life! Hello , what about me? what about what U did to me?


anyway he believes that because of her difficult situation she is completely alone, without family support and friends , so he thinks he can't leave her, although there is no personal relation.


we have been trying to rebuild for almost 2 months now but i always loose all my focus when i think about both of them talking daily. and right now i have to told him to go to he!! and not come to me till he has thrown her completely out of our lives. his answer is always silence. now we r not talking. and i don't know what he is thinking. if he is thinking i am being unreasonable when he has ended all personal relations with her and is telling me everything.


tell me guys, am i justified ? or am i being a bitch and loosing precious time that i should be using for rebuilding and loving him.


lajo

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 1:19pm

I knowu r right .... it wouldn't help but i know when he is telling me that his relations will her r not personal on any level, only business, he is telling the truth. I trusthim on that and i had talked to OW once and she confirmed that he refuses to talk to her about anything except for business with her.


So it's just her being there,that bothers me. It's not rational i know and that's what annoys my H too. And when he talks about her my mind goes completely blank. It's like a trigger for me.


So like a trigger i want to avoid this stiuation.And i trust him not betray me again...because i have seen how repentent he had been since last 2 months. So i am just taking a chance of trusting him again and creating aillusion of a kind that she is not in our lives anymore.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 3:11am
Sticking your head in the sand isn't going to help at all.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 1:17am

Thank u all for ur response.


He is not telling me about her because he wants to but because i insisted on it.I read 'Not just friends' by shirly glass and it said

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 7:57am

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your H seems like my W. Both upset that the OP was taking a hit or is alone.


WTH? What about us? Since when did we become the doormats in their lives. I can only tell you that my W moved and then had a nervouse breakdown. She is in a hopsital that treats drug addition and mental problems. I have 4 girls that are very upset and looking to for answers. I try to re-assure them that I love and will not leave them.


I thionk that your H needs to wake and realize that he may loose everything. I think that is what sent my W over the edge. She came to our house yesterday as I was dismantling the bedroom set. She couldn't believe I would sent it to her. She denies anything happened in our house but I know otherwise.


Keep posting here. There are some really amzing people here that have helped me realize that I still have my girls and that we will make it through this problem....


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 1:04am

Hi Bharitya,


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 12:37am

<<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 11:58pm

I truly do understand it's not ALWAYS easy to quit a job to get away from the AP.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 11:19pm

... and right now i have to told him to go to he!! and not come to me till he has thrown her completely out of our lives. his answer is always silence.


He can go on and on about her wonderful personal attributes as well as her present misery and then get tongue-tied when you confront him? Ernest Hemingway claimed that we all have a built-in "crap detector." Mine is spinning like crazy since reading about his silence. He's far from finished with her would be my guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 2:14pm

Bharitya,


It's funny (not ha ha, but peculiar funny) how all of the details of our situations are different, yet somehow the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 1:20pm

In order for you to heal your marriage he is going to have to go no contact with her.

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