am i a narcisist?

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Registered: 02-19-2010
am i a narcisist?
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Sat, 02-20-2010 - 2:32pm
my husband clearly told me he doesn't feel the same way for me anymore because he's in love with ow. he watched tiger's conference with me and read my messages that i left in this site. i guess he feels sorry for me. for the first time in a week he's hugging me and holding me. i know i shouldn't let him do this but i can't help but enjoy it. it's bitter sweet. it makes me sad that it could be the last time i'll be able to do this. i don't know how to fall out of love with this man that broke my heart in million pieces. i don't know how to pick up the pieces. i can't stop crying thinking about the future. i'm so scared. btw meant to say masochist in the thread title not narcissist


Edited 2/23/2010 5:57 pm ET by sunhee4

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: sunhee4
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 11:13am
First of all, this site is NOT for your H - it is for betrayed spouses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2010
In reply to: sunhee4
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 8:23pm
i think i forgot to mention that my husband has ow. and said he's leaving me and his daughters. he said he simply don't have the heart to be here to go on with our marriage. he claims he loves his daughter, i know he does but how do you walk out on your family? am i that disgusting? how could 8 years just go poof over 2 months fling? i'm afraid time isn't helping me heal like everyone else promised.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: sunhee4
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 8:20am

I'm afraid it takes a lot of time - do you have a good therapist/counselor to help you deal with this emotional trauma?

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: sunhee4
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 9:43am

Sunhee

Can I just say that my spouse was clearly "in love" with the OM and yet I'm talking to a totally different woman now. Work your 180 list ok. The first casualty of betrayal is self-esteem, give yourself a break if you do not exactly understand your feelings right now.

Forgive me if the following doesn't help. ok?

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

--St. Augustine

About three months after d day my spouse and I were sitting there and she began to cry. I asked her what was up and she said that she didn't know what to do. She said that there was me and the kids to think of but that she was struggling to get over her feelings for the om and she wanted to go back to him. You have no idea how much this crushed me. That was over a year ago and just thinking about her saying that just leaves an emptiness in my chest.

So being the impulsive guy that I am, I called the guy the next day and told him what she said and told him to make a decision. "Fight for her, take care of her, do it right and do it now or tell her you won't be with her ever. If you ever had any feelings for her, don't take a middle road, because it's tearing her apart." When I got off my soap box he simply said, "I'm not going to fight for her. She needs to go back to you." I told him he had to say that to her. Then I had her call him. And he did. He said it, He even told her that he was seeing someone else. He chickened out when she asked him point blank if he had feelings for her. He simply said, "I won't answer that."

I love this girl. I loved her before I even met her. She was the girl I was looking for. I saw someone who is suppose to be my best friend about to make a huge mistake. And now, 18 months later, she's and I are reading books together, I'm trying to fix my stuff, and she's trying to fix hers and ... Though there are no real blossoms in our romance. But I can sense that our roots are tightening around each other again. We were intimate this week and only afterwards did it occur to me that I didn't think of that dude once during it. (that was a huge revelation to me) We use to be intimate and either I or she would start to cry in the middle of it. If crying to me about her feelings for him was a low point in all this, her crying after intimacy and saying "I can't believe I shared that with someone else." was a long term healing moment for me.

It is not all better now for us. But it is not awful anymore. Give yourself a break with your reactions. It is not like we have a rule book in advance on how to react when our spouses do this awful thing we couldn't even image. My spouse and I hyper-bonded after D Day. Then we recently went through a serous drought regarding intimacy as my spouse could not stop thinking about him again during intimacy and now it's sort of working itself out I hope.

Just remember the affair has very little to do with you. My spouse, my shrink and the books all said that she wasn't thinking about me or the kids one wit when she did what she did. The WS often, sort of compartmentalizes the affair from us. Of course we don't do this, we think it's about something we did or didn't do. You have to find a way to process that.

take care

Thomas

I have 5 kids ages 16-10. Our D Day was August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness and Listening.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2010
In reply to: sunhee4
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 5:30pm
Thomas, thank you for taking the time out to say these encouraging words to me. i wish you best of luck. my ordeal started about ten days ago when i found a text ow sent my h. when i confronted my h if he slept with her, he simply said yes. for the past ten days, his feelings have been a roller coaster. one day he wanted his family the next day he wanted to be with ow. on Sunday night he said a lot of things that made me realize our marriage was irreparable. he said he can be himself with her, has so much fun and wanted to ride it out with her. i begged for the last time. in the morning, he walked out to do something for work. turns out he was with her while on an errand. Monday morning, he tells me he wants to save this marriage because while he was with her, he didn't feel anything any more. i was finally picking up the pieces that morning. i told my sister about the whole thing, which was a huge step for me. my daughters and i were going to move out asap. i didn't want to stick around to see him ride out this affair. my biggest fear is exactly the thing your wife said to you. what if he changes his mind again in few a days or months? i was finally accepting the reality then he tells me what I've been dying to hear for so long. I'm more confused and scared than ever. i love my husband more than anything and i can fight for him for eternity but at what cost? i don't want to lose myself in the process. i believe him when he said he doesn't feel anything for ow but for how long? this whole thing is way over our heads. one things for sure is we need to repair the damage, learn from this crazy life bump and take it one day at a time. i will never take love and life for granted again. thank you again.


Edited 2/23/2010 5:54 pm ET by sunhee4
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
In reply to: sunhee4
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 8:35pm

Wow can I relate to a lot of what you wrote. The fact that you "soak up" every touch or moment of attention he gives you. I did that. I remember telling my mom "guess what? He hugged me today!" or "he let me make him breakfast!" I was so confused, still am. I wanted to experience every moment as if it were the last - such as Christmas with his family. I remember telling them and myself that this would be the last and I want to enjoy it. The pain was unbearable.


What I also realize now looking back (D-day was about 1 month ago, affair in total was about 4 months) was the amount of lies he told me to justify his behavior. Telling me he never really loved me, and that he married me because it was logical. And that he was happy on our wedding day but not the day after or since. Those statements cut me to the core and I blamed myself for every issue, every night he didn't come home, every text he sent the OW right in front of me. He used every excuse he could conjure up to justify his horrible behavior and constant lies. He was another man - and deep in the fog then. Also, he was extremely angry at me, because of his guilt and having to push it off on someone;

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: sunhee4
Wed, 02-24-2010 - 12:13am

Sweetie

Ten days after I found out about my spouses affair, it was clear that she was living absolutely in stupid-land. Listen, affairs happen in a bubble. "They" don't have to deal with day to day problems and if they do, it would be a disaster. He just doesn't know this yet. If they were to stay together, they would have the same problems you guys do but compounded with divorce and all other sorts of chaos.

Look, work the 180 list, it's tried and true. I printed it out and carried it with me for like six weeks. Don't show him, it's for us only. : http://bssgiv.tripod.com/id11.html

It looks crazy at first but it works.

You need a boat-load of information and you needed it yesterday, and it's going to take a lot of time to process every little point. For example, My spouse would tell me some aspect of "why" and it would have some five or so components. But I could only cope with one at a time. So I would ask her to tell me this thing again and this time I could cope with only one more. Then I would ask again and she would blow a gasket, "I told you all this before!" She would say, but I finally had to tell her I could only cope with one thing at a time and telling me over and over helped me process. But that didn't go well. She just took it as throwing it in her face.

Letter writing between my spouse and I helped with this as I was able to cope with what she said over a period of time. Remember, I feel that the girl I'm dealing with now is not anywhere near the stupid girl I was dealing with in July of 2008.

Ok, keep that in mind. I'm really proud of the girl I'm talking to now. She has really matured this past 18 months.

I'm sure everyone gave you the quick rundown of the things you need to do first but if not, here is my list:

1. Take care of you first. I lost 30 lbs very quickly so eat! No junk food! that does not help. I had to force myself to stick a carrot in my mouth and just chew. If ever there was a time to put you first, it's now and eating right is A BIG DEAL right now.

2. Sleep: I went on 2 hours of sleep for several months. You are about to make the most important decisions of your life when you are at your life time, all time low. Try and get some sleep.

3. Exercise, nothing helped me better than my improvised leg lifts, crunches, stretches and push-ups. I would chant the names of the men in my head doing the last few pushups. I went from 15 good style pushups to 70 now.

4. No alcohol! There are no shortcuts here. We stand up, we take the pain, we process the issues. We are going to be proud of ourselves because we are better than our spouses affair partner, and everyone is going to see this, including out spouses. No shortcuts, no distractions.

5. Shrink and books: You/we don't have the skills to do this on your own. Get help, even if you can't afford it. Now is the time to invest in yourself. Now!!! not later. I read 10 books on forgiveness, affairs and happiness. And I tossed into the trash another six that I thought were crap. Here are my top three.

I had this book sent next day air. I read it five times, My spouse read it once totally with me. I've now given away about seven copies to friends and family.

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266987011&sr=8-1

Only the opening story of this book really impacted me. My wife however went nuts over the book and it was a huge healing thing for us.

http://www.amazon.com/Forgive-Forget-Healing-Hurts-Deserve/dp/006128582X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266987045&sr=1-1

The section on forgiveness in this book really worked for me. It was huge!!!

http://www.amazon.com/Authentic-Happiness-Psychology-Potential-Fulfillment/dp/0743222989/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266987090&sr=1-11

There were two with a christian bend that made an impact with me/us: The Five Languages of Love and The Shack. If you can convince your spouse to read any of this with you it will be very healing for both of you. These were very good investments in my family.

Look. You have kids with this person. You will never be totally untied from this man. If you can help him now. It will pay out in spades later.

---

I just got off the phone with my spouse and told her about you. She said that in those first few weeks, I was making her choose at a time when she just knew that "which ever" choice she made right then was going to be forever, and she was not equipped to make the correct choice right then. "What is two weeks, or even two months in a 20 year marriage?" And when she was able to make a real choice, it was genuine. Having a spouse make this choice on their own and doing some of the work themselves will go along way later. And when he pulls his head out of his butt, (and he will!) he is going to see you as a very strong person, because you are in fact a very strong person. In fact, he will never know how strong you are about to be in the years that follow. But I do. My oath I know how hard this is going to be for you.

Chin up, you can do this.

Thomas

I have 5 kids ages 16-10. Our D Day was August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness and Listening.




Edited 2/24/2010 12:35 am ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2010
In reply to: sunhee4
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 12:14am
all i can say is wow. thank you so much. i was actually looking to buy some books so i can start the healing process.
my husband came back to me three days ago. he said he didn't feel the same for ow anymore. but i'm not in the mood to celebrate. why? i thought this was what i wanted. i'm still confused and hurt. i'm not sure if he thinks he's doing me a favor my coming back. does he really feel sorry for what he did to us? does he truly know how much he hurt me/us? i don't know if i can forget ow. she's like cancer. always there around us. i couldn't stop thinking about her when we were being intimate the other night. all sorts of things that i didn't want to know came to my head and it drove me insane. i don't feel like i know him anymore. he looks, talk, walk, smile, the same but i don't feel like i truly know him anymore. who is this person pretending to be my husband? my beloved love. my soul mate. i'm beyond sad. i want my husband back. i mourn for my loss. my life will never be the same.
i wish i could see what's going on in his head. what he's really thinking. did he come back to me because he felt sorry for me? or did he come back because it wasn't going so well with her? he told me alot of things four nights ago i wish i could erase from my memory. his love for ow and how she makes him feel. she is everything i'm not. was he always this way but i just created a person in my head and i idolized him? he tries to act like if nothing happened and everything is ok. i guess we have to start some where to move beyond this. i wish i could come out of this whole mess in sort of one piece. i have to try my best to keep my family together. i will take one day at a time. i'm improving life by eating and sleeping. i've lost 10 pounds. i'm now 102. too skinny =). i don't think my h will find me attractive if i lost more weight. speaking of attractive, do you think he compares me to ow? this also drives me crazy. so many questions. however, i will not ask him too many questions all at once. there are too many emotions running deep nowadays. maybe i'll feel different in a week. i think i'm still in shock. one thing for sure is i want my family to be happy again. i want to be happy again when i look in my husband's face and not think of her. we all had part in this and as much of it is my husbands fault, i want to heal with him. i just hope my husband came back for the right reasons.
thank you again
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: sunhee4
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 11:15am

There are no soul mates. It's just a big lie. My spouse said that the OM was her soul mate. That was false also. Soul mates don't sleep with other women when they are married to you. And in my case, they don't take married women to hotels and sleep with them.

But that does not mean that you can't find happiness, trust, love with this man again. But that is not your call, it's his. He has a lot of work to do to regain your trust. I hope either way, you find peace.

I can see so much of what you are going through in myself 18 months ago. There is so much to learn and process ahead. I'm so sorry. If both of you work on yourselves, this is going to be ok. I think it took a lot of time for my spouse to really get going. And she still struggles.

In the foreseeable future. You will not forget the OW. You will not forget what they did. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. By standing up right now and focusing on yourself. (eating well, working out, reading, seeing a shrink, finding a lawyer.) By looking after yourself, you are going to find out a great deal about yourself. And I think in a short time, you are going to be very proud of what you are capable of handling.

And this will make you an attractive person. If not to your spouse, then to someone who will take much better care of you.

Like I said, there is a lot to do. Stand up and get going. And yes, things WILL be different in a week, maybe two.

Sending good vibes!

Thomas

I have 5 kids ages 16-10. Our D Day was August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness and Listening.




Edited 2/26/2010 6:35 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2010
In reply to: sunhee4
Sun, 03-07-2010 - 1:44am

thomas

i find myself in a dark place again. it's been about three weeks since dd. it's been a week since he "came back". he seemed to be trying to make things work for 2-3 days then said he doesn't know if he wants to work at us anymore because he still doubts if it can work. his head is so messed up right now or is it mine. he's been playing yo yo with my heart. he knows he has me in the palm of his hands i guess. tonight i tried to kiss him but he said he was tired and went to bed. the last time this happened was because he was with her. do you think he went back to her? if he did then i can't fight for him anymore. i'm too tired. i can only take but so much, trust me i took more than i should or could handle. i don't even know who i am anymore. who is he? i don't want to feel anymore. i this to stop. i want to wake up. thomas, when and how do i ask him if he's still seeing her?
i'm reading books to help me cope but i don't know how much of it is helping. why is it that i'm willing to work with him after a monstrous act he committed but he won't let go of my mistakes? he said i can't remove the cancer like doubt that i've planted in him that grew so big it can't be contained. is this true or is it just an excuse? how will more time to think going to help if i'm not even sure if he's with her or not. he can't or won't avoid her is up for debate. he CAN change the station he works at but again won't or can't. how much longer can i take this? why am i such a fool. i hate myself. i'm tired of this chaos. i'm just tired.

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