Am I overreacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2011
Am I overreacting?
17
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 9:41am

I have been in what I believed to be a good marriage for 18 years. I recently discovered my husband has been watching porn and apparently this has been happening for months. To be honest, I think the real issue for me here is it was something he was doing behind my back. We have always been very honest with each other and pretty open about our sex life. To be honest we have never had any issues there. At least that is what I thought. Now I am questioning everything. I feel betrayed. Maybe I shouldn't but I do. My head knows this is not actually an affair but it feels very personal to me. Am I just being over sensitive?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 12:19pm

Probably a little over sensitive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2011
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 1:16pm

I appreciate your point of view, honest I do but I am afraid the boys will be boys defense isn't going to work for me. My husband is an adult and took a vow to respect and honor me. I am afraid that he knew how I would feel about this and respect and honor means we don't do things that hurt or dishonor our spouse. Even if that dishonor is more in the spouses eyes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 1:46pm
Yeah, I don't buy the "boys will be boys" thing either. On the other hand, I'm skeptical of the idea that anything that hurts you should be off limits. What if he said you shouldn't have male friends because that would hurt him? It could start to get pretty controlling.

I guess I'd ask you what's actually bothering you about his porn use. You say it's that he hid it, but that's not really it, is it? In your next post, you say he knew how you'd feel about it, so there's presumably something about the porn use itself that's bothering you. What is it? I'd spend some time going through various possibilities, paying attention to what bothers you and what doesn't. Is it the content? (Were the women really young or very different than you? Did you find the acts disturbing?) Is it that he's physically seeing someone else in a sexual way? Would it bother you if he were just imagining the scenes he watched? You're not going to be able to stop him from imagining other people or scenarios. If that's your goal, you're in trouble. But if you can figure out exactly what's bothering you, you'll be able to have a more productive conversation with your husband.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2011
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 2:35pm

Thank you. You are right and I am still sorting out my feelings on this. What my husband knew I would have a problem with is the hiding it. I am really not that closed minded but by going behind my back it feels like something he wanted but did not want to share with me. Does that make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 7:03pm
It does, but... two things. First, a lot of people displace their discomfort with porn onto the secrecy that surrounds it, thinking that sounds more reasonable, when they're really upset about the porn. It can be hard to tell from a post like this whether that's happening. Second, I wonder why his hiding it bothers you. We all have our secrets and our private indulgences. Someone (many people?) told me that the longest sexual relationship you'll have in your life is with yourself, and I'm not so sure that should end when you get married. There are parts of myself I don't share with my husband, not because they would make him uncomfortable, but because they're mine. From what I can tell from a few ill-timed glances at his computer, he's the same way. These are innocent things, at least as far as we're concerned; I'm not hiding a cyber-affair or anything.

Anyway, I know not everyone feels like that. There are certainly people who feel like you should share more of yourself than I would. I just wonder if maybe he feels more like my husband and I do. And if so, is that something you can learn to live with?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 10:40pm

I won't say boys will be boys, but I will say

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 10:44pm

You may be right - he may NOT want to share it, he might want this to be his little hidden passtime.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Wed, 11-02-2011 - 11:17am

Sorry just trying to help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Thu, 11-03-2011 - 3:56pm
hello
siggy1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Thu, 11-03-2011 - 4:49pm
Sorry about the "hello" It was just seeing if I could post from work. LOl

I have to weigh in on this one. I have been married for seven years, together for nine. My husband has been hiding porn from me for our entire marriage. The first three years I never found out about it. He also hides sex toys from me. For me, it is absolutely NOT about him hiding it. I have toys as well and I enjoy watching porn too (especially with him). It is MOST CERTAINLY about him hiding it from me. In fact, the few times he hasn't hidden it (not deleted his history, left it where I could see it) I actually thanked him. I truly don't understand why, after all these years, all the times I have caught him, all the times we argue about it, he still does it. It makes me want to hide something from him and see how it maks him feel. I would actually really like a man's opionion on this one. I absolutly don't think it is ok for to hide something in a marriage because it is fun and exciting.

anyway, the point of this "rant" was to say that I totally agree with the original poster and I am right there with you:)
siggy1

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