Am I overreacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2011
Am I overreacting?
17
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 9:41am

I have been in what I believed to be a good marriage for 18 years. I recently discovered my husband has been watching porn and apparently this has been happening for months. To be honest, I think the real issue for me here is it was something he was doing behind my back. We have always been very honest with each other and pretty open about our sex life. To be honest we have never had any issues there. At least that is what I thought. Now I am questioning everything. I feel betrayed. Maybe I shouldn't but I do. My head knows this is not actually an affair but it feels very personal to me. Am I just being over sensitive?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2011
Thu, 11-03-2011 - 5:06pm
Porn is cheating, in my opinion. It's degrading towards women and gross, and as one of my philosophy professors said, all porn stars have a history of molestation and/or rape. You'd think there would be some exceptions, but yeah. That is not an industry well-adjusted people aspire to be in. I'm religious, so I believe that if a man looks at another woman in a lustful way, then that's cheating. That would include porn. You aren't overreacting! People say all the time, "men are visual" blah blah blah, and it's such crap. Women are visual, too, but does that excuse cheating? Um, no. I don't know why women are portrayed as the overly sensitive ones while their HUSBANDS are getting off on graphic sex scenes. Yeah, how dare we get upset. Screw society. If it upsets, it upsets you. If you feel that it's cheating, then tell him to stop. One person tried to compare you having male friends and your husband looking at porn. You can't compare the two. One is not sexual at all and does not disrespect or break the vows of a marriage, the other is sexual, disrespectful, and adultery. So many excuses are made for men's bad behavior. Just have your standards and stick to them. Don't worry about other people that try to invalidate your concerns! Talk to your husband about it, and tell him how you feel! When my husband looked at porn behind my back, I asked him how would he feel if I was looked at and got off on naked men? He said he'd hate that and understood how I felt. I'm sure your husband would feel the same way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Fri, 11-04-2011 - 4:11am

I am a woman and I watch porn. I don't think it is cheating, I am married and we have a a very healthy sex life. I think it can become a problem in a relationship if it affects how you treat your partner or if it affects your sex life. Also, if my husband asked me not to watch it ever again, I would stop. I don't watch it a lot but sometimes if I am at home alone. It all comes down to respect and doing it only if your partner is comfortable with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2011
Fri, 11-04-2011 - 9:07am

Thank you for your comment. I really do believe that in a marriage, there are no secrets. That is a huge important part of our life together. He is my best friend and my soul mate. I trust him with everything in our life including two daughters so hiding things is a big issue for me.

To update we have talked at length about this. He actually agrees with me. The fact that this hurt me bothers him and he admits that if I was hiding something from him he would be shaken by it as well. It is not the marriage either of us signed on for. We are seeking to support each other through this and be open and honest about what we are thinking and feeling. I get the desire for something sort of forbidden and/or exciting but do think that within my marriage this has to be a desire we are honest about with each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2011
Fri, 11-04-2011 - 9:10am

Thank you for your response. We have talked quite a bit and I do think he sees where I am coming from. I do see it as cheating and it is a betrayal of me and how I feel. Marriage is never a selfish act so doing anything that hurts your spouse is not ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2011
Fri, 11-04-2011 - 9:12am

I am not trying to judge anyone that finds this somehow works in their relationship. However, if anything I do hurts him I would stop. He agreed with this and has agreed to give up this habit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Fri, 11-04-2011 - 10:20am
That's the whole point. You only do it if you are both comfortable with it. If you are not, it needs to stop. Clearly you feel betrayed and he is respecting that from what I can see from your replies. I am glad that he is understanding and is willing to stop, it shows a lot about your relationships.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 1:28pm

I don't think you overreacted. Everyone of course has the right to be in the kind of relationship that they want and they have the right to define their own parameters. If you don't want your partner to watch adult media then so be it. They can either accept it, or leave the relationship. I guess there is a third possibility. He can continue to do it and get better at hiding it.

Men are more visual, thats a fact. That doesn't mean women are not, it means men are MORE visual. It is an excuse to watch adult media against your partners wishes? No. Is it a contributing factor as to why men do it? Yes.

I liked the post about fantasizing. Everyone fantasizes. People fantasize about others while they are with their partner. Your husband fantasizes. Probably about women he knows, works with, etc. Thats never going to change. If you ask him he may tell you the truth.

Yes there certainly is this dark side to the adult industry, the exploitation, etc. That can certainly turn people off to it. I think its interesting to think a little about the future. Modern video games continue to become more life-like. The day will come when it will be impossible to tell if you are watching a person or an avatar. I wonder if people will feel differently about it if they know its fake, but then again will you REALLY know.

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