Am I really stupid for still wanting to stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-1999
Am I really stupid for still wanting to stay?
Thu, 02-20-2014 - 8:11pm

I'm 45, married 10 years, no kids. A few years before I caught my husband contacting a prostitute. Somehow he convinced me he was sorry and that it was a mistake. I stayed, we bought a house together, continued to build our lives together. I think I forgave him but the older I get the more my sex drive is decreasing. I don't find him attractive anymore but I am still very attached to him and feel emotionally and maybe even financially dependant on him. He also still makes me laugh and makes me feel safe in this world.

I still don't trust him. He travels a lot and has a varied sex drive and always asks me for more sex and I try to comply but basically we're only having sex about once a week and it's "vanilla sex" as he used to call it. He says he still loves me but has recently admitted to wanting to have sex with other people (IF, he added, it didnt' compromise the marriage!!! I said NO WAY!)He also admits to using porn a lot more than he should.

Now I'm sure he will cheat on me or has already. I'm not stupid, well maybe I am just blind. He travels a lot for his job and I think he fits the bill for "sex addict". I don't suspect him as having an affair with one women, but I'm pretty sure he would cheat with a prostitute.

I still dont' want to leave. I have no actual proof that he's cheated, and I don't want to look for it, but I have a strong intuition that he has or does or will very soon. But I'm so comfortable in my current life, and house and routine, and scared to start all over again. I can't talk to anyone about it because I'm ashamed of his sexual desires.

I feel stuck. I don't want to leave. I really don't. Everytime I try to look for an apartment, I get scared and start shaking and crying. I know I should stick up for myself. I can't believe I'v sunk this low. But is it really okay if I stay? I'm comfortable in my life, and not always this unhappy with him. It's only his recent request to have sex with other people that has brought this all up.