Angry, Confused, Sad, and other emotions

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Angry, Confused, Sad, and other emotions
12
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 2:56pm

Well like all you on here I was cheated on by my spouse. I just found physical proof of the gut feeling that I was having for the past couple of months. I do not know if this is the first time and I would not be surprised if it was. not

The problem started with my husband going out drinking and partying too much and also having mostly girls that are friends, or so he said. At the beginning of the year this one particular girl he wanted me to meet and become friends with. So she was invited over constantly. AT the beginning I was nice and gave her a chance, but then started to get slightly hostile because she was over here constantly and he started to get a little too friendly with her. So I told him to back off and that I did not want her over to our home. That is when my husband tried to make me feel badly for not giving her a "real" chance and that she wants to be friends with me. Shortly after that my mother-in-law came to visit and we did a little traveling which left my husband alone in our home for 2 nights and another time for 1 full day. When my mother in law and I got back we had a sneaking suspicion that something wasn't right, but we didn't have any real proof. After the time away my husband was too nice and I started to feel like there was something I didn't know about.

But 2 days ago I was trying to find certain pictures for a homework assignment and I stumbled upon 3 pictures that literally made me sick to my stomach. 1 of her naked rear end in my kitchen, 1 of her naked in my husband pajama pants and no top in our sun room, and another 1 of her performing oral sex on my husband. when I confronted him about this he said they were old pictures and when I proved they were not, he then said that she took them or that he thought it was funny that she did it so he took a picture. Then when I kept going on about how wrong he was he then kept saying that he didn't know taking these pictures was so bad. He denies he had sex with her, but of course he has lied about many things. So of course I don't believe him. He says he wants us to stay together and will do anything.

My husband has a few problems. He is an alcoholic and still won't admit it. He also points out other women or flirts shamelessly with other women. Because of these 2 problems I told him that our house is now an alcohol free home and he can never have any women friends again. I also told him that I want us to see a counselor to try and save our marriage.

But what I have a hard time with right now is that I am not sad as much as I am angry. I am angry that he could do this to me and to our family. I am angry that he could show such disrespect to me after how much I respected him and always did my best to make him happy. I am angry that he could lie even after he got caught. I am angry that he could throw away his wife and daughter away so easily. I am angry at myself for letting him get away with going out and partying so much and talking so much on the phone with other girls. But I am also confused as to why he would do this to his family. I am confused as to how he can't come forward and say yes I did do this and I won't talk to her again. Instead I have to tell him he can't ever talk to her again. I am confused about how to handle everything. My first reaction is to get a divorce, because my husband is known for saying he will do something and never ever follow through with it. I don't know if I want to stay together. I don't trust him at all and I don't want to feel like a prison guard. I don't want him to touch me and I cringe when I think about how she touched him and now he wants to touch me. I feel dirty because she was in my house and she could have been all over in my bed. I just don't think any amount of washing will get that feeling out of my bed sheets and off of my furniture.

He says he can change, but I just am not sure he can. I feel like he is doing this for all of the wrong reasons and that he wants me in his life because I take such good care of him. I just don't know how I can trust him again. He has admitted to me that he is unhappy but he doesn't know why and he thinks that he will be unhappy in either choice he makes. If he is unhappy now I know he will be even more unhappy after all the restrictions he will have, due in part because I don't trust him. My trust is so far gone that I don't even trust him at work, because all of these friends that are girls are from his work. I really don't know what to do and I know that he is just going through all of this hoping that it will all blow over and I will just forget about it.

I really don't know what to do. I am stuck between trying and divorce.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 3:09pm
Your anger is justified and could serve you well here. First of all, his stories about the pictures are ridiculous and its good that you see through that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 3:14pm
I'm so sorry you've found your way here.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 3:20pm

I understand your confusion about emotions. I go from sad to angry to indifferent every time the wind blows.


As you read these boards and check out other posts you'll see many references to The 180 list. I think it's a good idea for you to give it a read and consider doing some of those things in your life/marriage.


You should insist on no contact with all these women. Especially the girl in the photos. Insist that all contacts at work will be only related to business. I found out about my H's affair about 3 1/2 weeks ago. (Also a girl at work.) I gave myself permission to ask any questions that I might have. I just decided that it's something that I need. I will not continue unless I can ask these questions. And so if I think of something I ask. (Sometimes it's hard. And I don't always believe him.) You should have access to cell phone records, his actual phone, email accounts, etc. Anything you need to see- he should be willing to let you.


Can he really deny that they had sex? You found a picture of her performing sexual acts. Even if that's all they did he

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 3:49pm

thank you for the advice. I will try that. I do agree that I need to sit down and write out all of my feelings and then share with him those feelings. I will try this.

I wish I was not here, but I am glad that I have a place to get help and advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 4:05pm
I am so sorry ! What a brutal way to find out! I would use that anger and make him do all things you need to heal or send him on his way. Just keep in mind that relapses are common. I wish I had known this- I could have avoided a lot of pain! DO NOT let him make excuses- if he is making excuses ,it means he's still in the fog of the affair and is not accepting responsibility for his actions. Until he does, you cannot rebuild. The most important 1st step is to get him out of that fog.A good therapist will help but he has to be willing to be honest. My H was not honest so he relapsed. Now ,after 3 yrs. he is really being honest and working in therapy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 4:40pm
The hardest thing about going to therapy is that my husband is military and he says he doesn't want to talk to anyone because it will hurt his military career. So I don't know how to get him to talk to someone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 2:17am
I don't know what he expects.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 7:14am
My H is military also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 10:20am
Thank you that really helps. I have told him that I want to talk to someone and we need some outside help. That really helps out a lot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 10:42am
Unless he goes for help, I don't think your marriage stands a chance. You may have to be really tough and file divorce papers . My H learned the hard way that he can't be embarrassed to go for help. It was only after I kicked him out that he woke up. They have to learn that there are consequences to their childish behavior. Be strong and tell him this! If it ruins his career, oh well, he should have thought of that before he did this. now ,if he wants his family, he needs to do this.If not, then you know what you mean to him.

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