Another Possible Affair - Contact Him

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Another Possible Affair - Contact Him
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 11:22am

A few years ago I suspected that my wife was either having an affair or at the least, an inappropriate relationship with a male coworker. I discovered some very suspicious emails. They looked bad, but not so much in a way that she couldn’t explain them away. She agreed to end all contact with him. She ended up losing her job. Well, everyone knows that I did discover my wife’s affair that ended in October and she came completely clean, or so I think. But I always suspected, something happened with this one. Well, it has been 3 years now and I have kept his email address. My wife has not had contact with him since she left her job. So, I opened an email address nearly identical to her old one that she closed and sent him an email just two days ago. He responded immediately. I am trying to trap him into telling me what happened.

“how are you? I havent’ heard from you in forever. I miss working with you. I’m sure you miss it to. We sure had some fun times. I bet you would agree. I bet you could think of some things that you enjoyed when we worked together. I bet I left a smile on your face more than once. Write soon.”

He then responded

“oh my goodness, I miss you sooooooooooo much. You bet you sure did put a smile on my face, more than once!!!! I really miss working with you. We need to talk more. Write me soon. I can’t wait to talk to you again.”

So then I responded.

“really? I put that big of a smile on your face that you still remember it after 3 years? Tell me what was your favorite. What did I do for you that you liked so much? Tell me and we’ll see again.  LOL. I can’t wait to talk to you again.”

So, I left it at that. I don’t know what happened but I suspected something happened more than my wife is letting on. I have a desire to know the truth. I’m afraid though that once I open this can of worms, I won’t like what I have to hear if he comes back with what I think happened. But, I must know the truth. If nothing happened, I will be so relieved, but I have been living with this thought for 3 years and feel I’ll never have closure until I know the truth about this. I hope he comes back with something completely innocent, but anything else, after all I have gone through over the last two months, might just kill my heart. But I have to know.

Am I just asking for trouble? Wouldn’t you want to know?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 11:59am

You did open a cans of worms. You found out for sure she did not have any contact but now that he thinks your wife is e-mailing him I am sure he will call her. And guess what" you will be the subject and it will not be a good talk about you."She may even believe she made a mistake by ending

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 12:38pm

Well, her phone number has changed, her job has changed, friends have changed, email has changed, home address has changed, and she hasn't had contact with him for three years. I'm not worried.

I know the emails that I saw were damning, but she got out of them. I know she met with him after work and that they took breaks and lunches together and I know that he was emailing about how beautiful she was and how wonderful she was and how he could star into her eyes for an eternity and how big of a smile she put on his face last night, and how today he is walking in a cloud after last night. Her responses were all, me too babe, it was great for me, i'm in a cloud today also. She explained them all away, but I never bought it. Now I want the truth!

I have no intentions of telling my wife or even confronting her after I obtain the information I am looking for. Not sure yet what I'm gonna do with it. Hold onto it for a while. I just know, it can't hurt me any worse than I've already been hurt. But, I deserve to know the truth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 1:14pm

I think you know the truth already. She is a cheater. Either let it go or move on.
Don't you see that this is of no importance and will only bring you more pain and even more questions. What happened is not right and nothing will make it right.
If you are rebuilding and you want to be loved by her, you have to be someone worth loving. That is your part in it. Don't let anger drive you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 1:34pm

Try to just let it go, the more you know the more visuals you will have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 1:38pm

of course you deserve to know. the point is, once you know the whole truth, then what will you do? will you just lock it in a box and put it away for good, or will you confront your WS with this new-found information? How will she react? And so on. How will that scenario play out? How will it end?

In my opinion, there's no question they slept together, unless they scored some good weed that put them on some cloud together. But, she will never ever tell you that unless she's cornered 100%. If this discovery took place back then, you could have confronted her with it. If you do it now, then what?

Unless, you are getting ready to leave her, and you need this final bit of information to get things going for good once and for all, you are on a dangerous path.

I doubt, once you have fool-proof evidence that she went all the way, that you'd keep that just to yourself.

Other than hoping that finding the truth shall set you free (it won't), what do you expect to accomplish?


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 2:29pm

I won't be leaving her and I won't even confront her with this information right away. I will tuck it away and hold onto it. I have this incredible desire to know the truth. I don't care about anything else. She has been adamant, but I have not believed her. Go with your gut they say. Well, my gut says they did something, what? I don't know. But I have a nagging inside that won't let me rest until I know. I have to know. You will know when I know. Yes, I know it will hurt, but I must know.

A side note, if this happened, I am willing to over look it because it happened at a point that my wife was addicted to Vicodin. She was not in her right mind. She did so many things that were out of character. The same with this and her recent affair. She has been clean now after going through rehab to kick the habit and does weekly testings to keep her job. That is the only reason I am over looking it. But I have to know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 3:52pm

luigi, i am thinking that what you are doing is NOT a good thing, not for YOU, your wife, or your marriage.

if you have been here for any length of time you know my story and so i would just like to ask this question - do you know what i would give if my husband would have gotten it, ended it, and we were able to rebuild. you are doing that and yet here you are wanting to hurt yourself even more deeply with information that could only serve to hurt you. IT DOES NOT FRIGGIN MATTER WHAT HAPPENED - it is in the past. you must stop living there in the past i man and move on to enjoy this day, every day for the rest of your life.

do you not feel you are worthy of happiness? you will not find happiness back there in the rear view mirror - no, happiness is out in front of you - start looking at where you are going not where you have been.

instead of sending entrapping emails to him, how about writing her a love letter, sharing how much your new foundation means to you.

when she knew better she began to do better - celebrate that my fellow betrayed spouse.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 4:50pm

But luigi you already KNOW... you are just looking for confirmation after the fact. She in all likely hood lied to you. You know this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 9:31pm

For me....

He was under alcohol addiction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 02-12-2010 - 8:02am
you are getting much great advice
I just wanted to say
whatever you need to do to heal while keeping your own integrity do it