Anyone still having problems 11 months ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Anyone still having problems 11 months ?
9
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 8:47am
I haven't posted in a while, but I read the board often to see how you are all doing. It has 11 months since d-day. The summary of our recovery has been rocky in my opinion. Been married 30 years and NOTHING like this was ever in my mind that this could happen.
But it did. I still go to therapy by myself.......I could ramble on and on about what we have done, tried , worked on etc during these past 11 months. Bottom line, I HAVE DONE MOST OF THE WORK.......DH would disagree. He would say "What more do you want me to do?"
Here's a classic. Two weeks ago I went to the counselor ( on my own) . I was very excited to come back to DH to tell him about it.
We were in the kitchen even though I asked to go sit in the other room to talk. As I started to tell him, and 4 TIMES, he fidgeted around to do other things as I was talking ( made his lunch, gave the dog a biscuit, looked at his cell phone and then emptied the dishwasher) Now, hello, does that sound like someone who is THAT interested in something so important to you?? I think not. So after 11 months of trying, and I could go on and on to explain more, and realizing where we are now, I feel empty. We had a huge fight the following night after the "fidgeting, not really listening episode". Anyway, we made up again, but I could go on and on of how this pattern repeats itself. My H simply does not get it. He thinks we have "moved on" we have talked about this forever, it is over........let's get past it.
I am not that kind of person. I am very deep and analytical. I love my H very much, I have forgiven him, I have done so much to make things better, but I feel that we have not really gotten to the core of all of this. Am I just suppose to accept that he had this A (for 4 months with a co-worker who still works there) FOR THE EXCITEMENT OF IT ALL??? They ended it 6 years ago. He kept this a secret for 5 years. He went to a therapist and never told me, He started smoking again and after I caught him once, he did it again and lied about it repeatedly, he had trashy magazines hidden in his briefcase..He thinks all this is behind him now, and we can simply move on. He thinks we have talked about this enough. I go to the counselor on my own, and he truly feels that my H just want's to go back to being "normal".....and that doesn't work. Yet my H doesn't think he needs to go back to figure anything out. "We are past it all, let's be normal" he says. Well, I will never be the normal, same person I was ever again.
I want this to work, but I feel so empty at times. I can "give in"......just be "normal" and "move on". Is this the way it is suppose to be? Does anyone else out there have issues or problems after 11 months? Can you give me some insight please? I am empty.
Thanks for listening.
Laura
S
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 9:50am

Laura,


First, let me say I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 2:42pm

Hello lady! We are in the same place as I found out

.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 4:18pm
I think when it gets brought up it brings back all the shame and guilt associated with the affair and makes them feel bad again. That is if they felt truly guilty and remorseful after the affair. He is looking at it like "how long do I have to pay for this.", while you want answers. I think this is very common where the BS wants all the answers, whereas the WS just wants to forget it ever happened. I think it's just something the WS does not understand and never will because they were not the ones that were betrayed. They just don't get it that we need answers for closure more than anything else. It sounds like your H had a midlife crisis affair which is a very common thing. It hurts like hell BUT if this was the only time he cheated in 30 years I would try to move on, and of course keep seeing your counselor. My concern with talking with my H about it after a year is that it will drive him away from wanting to rebuild cause he will be thinking that " I will NEVER get past this." I also think that most men don't look at sleeping with another woman as that big of a deal like we do, but if they were to find out that we slept with another man then all hell would break loose. I think the fact that he still works with the OW could be a big factor in keeping the A fresh in your mind and make it much harder to get over it since he still has to see her and you can't establish a no contact rule here. I know it's hard because the OW my H was after lives next door.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 4:57pm

I really and sincerely doubt he believes this is truly in the past, anymore than I really believe you have really forgiven him, either.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 4:58pm

I feel very much the same way, although maybe for different reasons.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Sat, 02-07-2009 - 10:24am

CMOMMYK,


Thanks for your reply.

S
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Sat, 02-07-2009 - 10:55am

Hello J,


Thanks for your response.


I have found through all this ( took

S
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Sat, 02-07-2009 - 11:07am

Peaceyma, Thanks for this. A friend of mine also feels this way as you, that

S
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 1:56pm

I agree with what you said about moving through things.