Applejacks & state of shock

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Applejacks & state of shock
2
Thu, 02-07-2013 - 7:03am

Just checking to see how you both are doing. I hope your says are getting a little easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2013
Thu, 02-07-2013 - 11:35am

Thanks for checking on me!  I can say, right now, at this moment, I am ok.  But that often changes moment by moment.  I had a horrible night last night.  I wasn't even thinking about the sex, I was obsessing over the fact that they were texting eachother right under my nose, and deleting the conversations afterwards.  He'd call her when he got off work on the drive home.  Those little thing that weren't just about sex freaking hurt.  He didn't just cheat- he was having a relationship with someone else- his ex wife at that!

He has blood pressure issues, and something that holds me back from unleashing on him.  I mean, I don't want to kill the guy.  But last night I just let it all out.  We've talked a lot, but I have refrained from name-calling and anything that wasn't productive.  But last night I let my anger control the conversation and it felt GOOD.  I was a straight up b*tch, and sarcastic and mean.  I don't want to be like that on a regular basis, but felt pretty good.

I'm not ok yet... but I'm making progress.  I'm popping my xanax like tic-tacs because of all the panic attacks.  But I can find joy in my kids again.  I resumed all of my son's therapies.  Ran some errands and kept it together.  Even went to a baby shower and was able to put on the front that I was just normal me.  I still go through manic periods where I get obsessed with searching for evidence.  I cleaned out the car trunk even.  I have stopped talking to the OW because it just confuses me more on who's telling the truth. Sometimes I lose it.  And the panic and anxiety are the worse.  Sometimes I get thoughts and just feel like I've been punched in the gut.  I've had horrible moments, bad moments, and not-as-bad moments, but have yet to have a "good" moment but it's only a matter of time, right?  I know I won't feel like this forever- I just wish I could fast forward.  But I still haven't figured out if I'm still in love with him or not.  And I think we found a marriage counselor and plan on trying to make an appointment today.  3rd one's a charm, right?  I even saw them interact when he went to drop the kids off.  I stayed in the car with the window down, and she came into the parking lot to talk to my husband about one of the kid's behavior problems.  It wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be, but I hate her thinking that the only reason he's not going to her is because I'm in the car.  She is very conceited.  Her facebook posts say things like "I don't know how any man could reject me.  i just walked by the mirror and I am HOT!" and "I am way to cute to ever have to change my own tire."  By the way... she is NOT attractive...  So I definately despise that he fed her ego by getting with her.

I guess he's been by the book perfect as far as what the DH is supposed to do to make things right.  I'm always aware of his whereabouts.  He calls and checks in constantly, and I have a phone tracker on his phone.  She's texted a couple times about the kids, and he's shown me immidiately.  He endures my emotional roller coaster.  He doesn't tell me to "get over it already" or anything like that.  Right now he'd be the perfect husband if he hadn't cheated.  I still can't look at his face.  I can be around him, talk, but I can't look at his face.  I guess I'm just waiting to see if when the shock wears off- if I still love him or not.  If I do, then I'll commit 100% to saving this.  If I don't... I'm out.

Thanks for checking on me.  I check this board every single day!  It helps, and I'm glad people care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Fri, 02-08-2013 - 12:20am
I am glad you are making progress. That is all it is about . Baby steps, ya know? As I have said we are 2 years our from the main A, but I have finally reached the point where I think we are comfortable. Not gaga in love, but I don't dislike him either. I have reached a point where I don't check everything everyday, but I still check on some stuff occasionally. The AP was/is family, so that is my minor complication. Fortunately, she is distant family so I don't have her in my face all the time, but I do get the "Oh have you heard about so and so.... She is doing..... Meanwhile I just put on my smile and pretend all is good. Overall, I would say you are doing really well for where you are. And you are right. You don't want to be a B*tch all the time, but you do have to be able to put it all out there because he needs to know that what he did cut you to the bone and he has to be able to live with that. Hugs to you and keep on hanging on.