Are STDs a dealbreaker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Are STDs a dealbreaker?
23
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:39pm

My WH has yet to be tested but he will be going soon. So, are STD's a dealbreaker? What are your thoughts?


I am praying we don't have to worry about it...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 4:14pm

tough to say. its something that each relationship will have to deal with in their own way.

But in my situation if my SO has given me an STD ---- then yes major deal breaker......hands down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 5:08pm
It is if it's a deal breaker for YOU, that's what counts.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 5:27pm
First I want to say how I feel for you.
I myself found out a little over 4 months ago my husband has genital herpes, which in turn gave me the devastating news he had been seeing a prostitute. I was tested immediately and was negative.
I thought all of the above was a deal breaker. All I can say is to wait, go to individual counseling and give yourself the much needed time to absorb it all. Evaluate your marriage history and see if your husband is really genuinely sorry for what he's done. Go to marriage counseling too. After 29 years of marriage, much soul searching and educating myself I came to the conclusion to try to work things out. I am taking it very slowly, one day at a time. Best thing I did was read, read and read some more on herpes. Sadly there are so many people who have std's out there, we could dump our spouse just to meet someone else who has one. BUT they have to be worth keeping, and only you can answer if yours is.
Good Luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 6:18pm
Ditto - my H brought home HPV (for which there is no test for the man - they are 'carriers') and Herpes simplex to me -both I have to deal with, as well as colposcopies and cervical biopsies because of it. I found out after we were already rebuilding, so it came up in MC as well. It's not easy to deal with, but I knew they were physical for a long time, I was sad to see I was right about OW and hor practices which H didn't know about back then - he thought he was 'special' and didn't realize how many 'special' men she did things with for goods and money til then..... Just like OW like to believe MM only lie to their wives, Hs like to believe OW save it 'just for them' so it's a vicious cycle, and we get hurt. But only YOU can decide what you can live with and what is worth it to you. Ditto again to leaving our spouses and being w/ someone else that might have something too - you never know - I always thought if my H had an A or visited a hooker it would be a deal breaker. We were working on the infidelity when I found out about the STDs - so you just never know til you do some soul searching yourself. There's no rules on this stuff - all the rules were broken with the vows, time to make new ones based on what you can live with and can't .... My H knows now that if it were to EVER happen again he'd be out so fast his head would spin, whether I loved him or not... he knows what devastation it caused and such disregard for my mental and physical health would mean he's incapable of loving me enough for me if it happened again....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 6:20pm

In my opinion, no. We already know our partners had an A, so STDs are a possibility.

Here is my reasoning. If my H had developed a heart problem or a mental illness, that would not have been a deal-breaker. If he contracted an STD, I hope I would have looked at it as a health issue, not an emotional issue. Certainly, additional counseling would have been in order, but I think/hope we could have gotten past it.

My H had a one-time sexual encounter during his EA. He was tested, I was tested, and the results were negative. For me, the deal breaker would have been serial cheating.

DDay 10/07, rebuilding and happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 7:01pm
Chose - kudo's on being negative to you both, my H is negative except for herpes simplex, men aren't affected by HPV - only woman - so I have to deal w/ the STDs and he really doesn't ... unfair, yes, all of it is... but I can't just look at is as the same as another disease, quite, because he didn't get effected by it, I did.... and I know where it came from - and I have to take a bunch of probiotics and vitamins to help me fight it every night. Constant reminders... trying to work through it like everything else....
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 10:58pm

one would think as a mature woman, and intelligent to boot that i would know the answer to this question but i confess i do not

when you go in and ask your dr to be tested due to infidelity is hpv testing automatically done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 12:36am
No you have to ask... I went and told the dr I had no coverage, she said (Planned parenthood reduced rate) to have a pap smear, with HPV the pap would come back w/ problems and then they could test from there, less expensive that way... Herpes I had to ask too - HIV was free - is at most clinics... but you have to tell them your H had an A and you would like you BOTH to be tested for EVERYTHING, it's not automatic! But there are no tests for men for HPV, they are carriers only from one woman to the next, but it can cause cervical cancer if left untreated... and NO, I thought about it, but did NOT tell OW hor's got it. Dont think hor would care, but think hor would be happy she passed it on to hor ex-hs new wife of 7 years - because he's hor OTHER LTA MM they've NEVER stopped having sex (he pays hor for it) all this time....so now THAT woman probably has it too - her I feel badly about, she's got 2 kids too with that idiot!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 1:57am
I wish I could be open minded more like you are, but it's just not in me.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 8:28pm
<< I guess I would have a really tough time if my DH brought home an STD or worse because those are definitely self-inflicted health problems.>....well...on this board, I have assumed that physical affairs are the most frequently discussed so that would mean that each and every person posting could possibly been exposed...if they are trying to rebuild, hopefully they are tested and recovering from the results of that testing would be part of the rebuilding...it might be that having an STD because of exposure to a WS's physical affair is the straw that breaks the camel's back...maybe not...I don't think it's a matter of standards or morals or values...(obviously, if we rebuild with a cheating spouse, we are lowering our expectations/values/standards to begin with)...in accepting a resultant STD...as for being self-inflicted...I agree...along the same lines of cholesterol/weight/blood pressure problems from poor eating habits...or lung problems from smoking...or health problems to do any number of substance abuse issues...

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