Bad Night

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2009
Bad Night
10
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 2:16am

I'm going through a bad night. It has been about 6 weeks since my H told me about the A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: katv2009
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 8:33am
Have you sought counseling/therapy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: katv2009
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 12:24am
He's trying to connect his affair with your marriage, but his affair had nothing to DO with your marriage.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2009
In reply to: katv2009
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 2:49pm

Thanks for the advice. I really don't know what to do. I just looked at my H's e-mails and there was one from the OW's friend. It was reasonably innocent but he replied basically that he is with me out of respect and that his heart belongs to the OW. I am devastated. I have drafted a letter to this friend telling her not to contact my H and copied my H and the OW . Haven't sent it yet. Should I? Will it help or hurt? I have thought of just showing it to my H and seeing how he reacts.


Sometimes I feel like I should just tell him to go. But then

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
In reply to: katv2009
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 4:36pm

Katv,


If you reply to anyone then you need to reply to your husband. I would leave her out of it for now. If she continues to interfer after he stops contact then I would call her or if you know her personally then I would talk to her. Otherwise leave her out of it until he checks back into your marriage. He is running back and forth right now and doing a bit of fence sitting. (at least mentally)


He is living in the fog of his affair right now. The grass is greener on the other side because he does not actually have to water the lawn. It is a relationship based on fantasy and what if.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: katv2009
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 5:14pm
I told my H the day I was ready to walk that "I will not be the woman he settled for" after he figured out the OW was just an attention junkie and really did not want him for anything but more attention. I think you need to honestly confront him and find out what he wants cause if he is just staying out of obligation and his heart isn't in it, do you really want to be with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2009
In reply to: katv2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 10:01am

Thanks.


I did confront him. I told him I found the e-mail and was hurt by it. He said something like " I didn't say anything bad about you." I told him he made me look like the evil stepmother and the OW was Cinderella. Then I said " Do you want to leave?" He said no that he loves me and he wants to work on our marriage. The only way he will leave is if I kick him out. When I asked why he wrote that he thinks about the OW all the time he said that he does think about her but less and less all the time. He said he wrote that 2 weeks ago and his feelings have changed. He thinks about me and us more tha the OW now. It is his feelings of guilt of what he has done to me that make him depressed.


He has assured me that there has been no contact with the OW since he made the promise a month ago. I said I don't want him contacting this friend either. He said OK.


I also told him that I deleted all of his love e-mails (300). I thought he would be shocked, surprised or something. He really didn't seem to care. ???


Anyway I am hoping this is a breakthrough but am proceeding cautiously. He has agreed to participate in a marriage program to help us heal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: katv2009
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 12:49pm
He is in affair withdrawal. He likes the high from the affair and when things settle down he will go back unless he gets intensive counseling. You need to put your foot down and draw the line. It sounds like he may be redeemable if you push him to it. Otherwise ,you'll be headed for misery like I was. Only now, that I've been strong and firm about my demands is my H willing to change. He knows he's on "parole" for 6 mo and if he does ANYTHING during that time, he's out. He's also is in intensive therapy and he is scared to death of losing his family now. It took me 2 yrs. to put the pieces together and find the courage, but I did it! You can be scared ,but don't let that stop you from doing what you need to do for your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
In reply to: katv2009
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 1:56pm
Keep in mind that he WILL mourn the loss of his affair.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: katv2009
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 6:41pm
I am aware of this. This is my 2nd time around! I'm afraid b/c my therapist thinks there might be some disconnect in his personality, meaning he can't feel empathy or remorse. I don't think that 's what it is- I think he's seething inside from the emotional abuse from his parents. His therapist told me that it's not about our marriage- that she knows we have a good marriage. She said it's about him and something is torturing him inside himself. I tend to agree w/her. We will have a better understanding in a few weeks. He is motivated to continue therapy weekly and this gives me hope. We've also had some really good conversations and I think he has have begun to understand the root of his problems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
In reply to: katv2009
Fri, 03-20-2009 - 8:57am

katy,


you stated "he said he will only leave if I kick him out".