From the Beginning

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
From the Beginning
11
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 11:48am

What made you think your spouse was cheating?

What is the first things you did to make sure you were right?

How did you confront your spouse?

How long did it or is it taking them to admit to it?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 12:40pm

My wife was planning on going out with friends to see a band play at a bar.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 2:54pm

well its out in the open and she has admitted to it. (good step)

I found out my spouse was "cheating"
He was yelling at someone on the phone while he was in the bathroom. i would listen in when he would get up to go to the bathroom. I have found out its his ex. The one he cant stand. He hangs up with her by saying "thanks for making love to me last night and I love you" WTH im saying thanks???? what man thanks his lover for making love??? (okay kind of corny but sincere)

Now i find out his email password and see all his emails.....nothing out of the ordinary but a few stick out. So i click on the dating sights......(there are about 15) i try the password out and wow it worked. I read his inbox for the sights that are free......wow lots of looking. some heres my cell phone number. or meet me. Nothing quite confirmed. Im devastated. Now i ask him about it and he tells me no. I even went with, "i know your home alone alot, dont you get lonely and want to talk to someone? "No" wow lie number two. the first one was no im not talking to my ex.

How long am i going to let this go on? I dont know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2009
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 2:54pm

mikelion,


My story is almost identical and I just know exactly how you are feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 3:14pm

footprints, I have another thread going named "What to do".

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 4:53pm

I am new to this message board but not to ivillage. I am heartbroken to see a screen name or two that look familiar. (In the past I have been an infrequent visitor to a few expecting clubs, playgroups, and the Trisomy 21 board.)

I tried to write out an intro along with my story but haven't been able to get through the post yet without breaking down and quitting. This seems like a good thread to hop in on, so here goes. This is going to be long!

What made you first think your spouse was cheating?

I never in a million years would have guessed that my H would cheat on me. I trusted him ABSOLUTELY.

H and I returned from our xmas visit back to our home state (1000 miles away) and he approached me and told me that he was thinking about ending our relationship. He claimed that he had been unhappy for a long time and thought that we should consider a break. I knew that we had been having problems for a while but I was shocked when he said that he was considering ending the relationship. We had just spent 3 loving weeks with family and had made love many times and spent a lot of quality time together.

After this conversation I was naturally pretty confused and upset. I suggested we go to a therapist together and he agreed and set up an appointment for a few weeks out. He told me that he needed a lot of space to think about things and figure out what he wanted. He bought a book called "The Passion Trap" which describes how couples get into uneven power dynamics, etc. The book recommends that the "one-down" (me) try to develop more separate interests and spend more time working on improving oneself. So that is what I did. I didn't question him when he wanted to go out, didn't bother him to spend time with me, didn't call him during the day, etc. I tip-toed around him and tried as hard as I could to do my own thing. This is somewhat difficult considering I am a SAHM with 3 small children (one of whom is disabled) but I honestly did everything I possibly could to give him space.

The book also recommended that the "one-up" (him) try to participate in trial closeness and spend more time doing loving things with the spouse. When I asked him why he wasn't doing any of those things, he said that those were only recommendations from the book and he wasn't really ready yet to put himself out there. Okay.... I continued to trust him.

During these 3 weeks he did not touch me AT ALL. Not even a hug or kiss on the cheek. He is normally a very sensual man but he literally built a pillow wall across our king sized bed and when I tried to be affectionate with him he told me he was too stressed out from work, too tired, not in the mood, etc. I was very hurt by his rejection but it did not even enter into my mind as a possibility that he was cheating. I assumed that he just needed more space.

Week 3 after our initial discussion of his unhappiness, we went to our therapy appointment. He sat there next to me close-lipped and did not do much talking. He said that he knew he had problems opening up to me emotionally and wanted to work on that. After the appointment I jokingly asked him if he had met someone else. He said no. I asked him if he were to have an affair if he would tell me - he said yes. I believed him completely.

A few days later he announced that he wanted a plane ticket back to WI for the upcoming weekend as his birthday gift. I knew that some of his friends were planning a party that weekend and I just figured that he wanted to hang out with them. I had no suspicion whatsoever.

During that weekend I texted him multiple times to tell him that I loved him and I hoped he was having fun. He called me once or twice to ask how the kids were doing. He seemed snappy with me and irritated but I assumed that he was just hung over or tired from his nights of partying.

He returned on the following Monday and everything seemed normal - or as normal as it had been for the last month. On Tuesday (February 9th, 2010, a day that is now permanently burned into my brain) I went online to check the balance in our checking account. I happened to click through to the history and realized that his weekend withdrawals had happened in a city other than the city he had claimed to be in. Now I started to get nervous, but I figured he had just gone into that city because we used to live there and he was nostalgic or something. (COULD I BE ANY MORE STUPID??)

So I called him up and asked him about it. He said he'd gotten his hotel room in that town because he wanted to check out some of his old haunts. (BAD PUN NOT INTENDED!) Okay. Weird, but I accepted his explanation. We hung up and I went out on a playdate with a friend and her child.

At our lunch, my friend revealed to me that she had been having an affair with someone. (To save the suspense, it was someone other than my H, THANK GOD.) I was shocked and disgusted. She told me that she had purchased a track phone to hide her texts and calls because she was on a shared phone plan with her husband. I told her about H's weird weekend and explanation and she told me that I needed to go straight home and look at our phone bill.

So that is what I did. Lo and behold, there were hundreds of texts and multiple hour-plus conversations to a number in the town he had visited. Still not wanting to believe it, I called up a few friends who live there and asked if they had seen him over the weekend. They had not. So I got up my courage and called the number - the voicemail identified the number as belonging to my H's ex-girlfriend. WTF???!!!! It was then that I knew. I spent the next 20 minutes hyperventilating and trying to get someone on the phone to come over and take care of my kids.

Then, she actually called me back! When she asked who I was, I told her I was (H's name)'s wife. She pretended to have no idea who he was. Then I just said, "I know what is going on!" (Even though technically I still didn't know exactly what had happened- only enough to know that *something* had happened.) Then she told me that she would call me back and hung up. No denial, no apology, nothing. Just hung up.

I was unable to speak, so I sent H a text telling him that it was over and I knew what was going on. He immediately called me back and started apologizing (but said he still had feelings for her and didn't want to end it yet with her, blah blah blah). He admitted to everything (as far as I know) that first day.

Apparently, on our last day in WI he had gone out for drinks with the ex and had ended up going home with her and sleeping with her. He had then come back to my parents' house where we were staying, loaded up our van, and driven all the way home with me the next day as we had planned. He continued to text and speak with her throughout that month, and had gone back to WI soley to visit her and have sex with her in a hotel room.

It took him a week to end the relationship with her and tell me that he wanted to be with me instead. That was the worst week of my life. I was taken by so much shock I barely remember anything that happened that week. Nothing has ever hurt me so much - not the death of a friend, or finding out my son had Down Syndrome, or my miscarraige, NOTHING. I begged and pleaded for him to take me back. I feel now that I lost all of my dignity and I don't know if I will ever get it back.

We've been working on things since then. So I'm almost exactly 2 months out from D-Day. The pain was and continues to be horrifyingly intense. He is doing all the right things now, I can tell that he is genuinely sorry about what happened and wants to make it work with me, but I am still so devastated that I am only barely scraping by. I alternate between wishing I was dead and wishing he was dead. (I am not truly suicidal or homicidal, just the stuff that goes though my head.)

We live in a state that is far away from my family and friends - we've been here 3 years now but I haven't made very many close friends yet. I have no family nearby. I feel trapped and like there are no good options - leaving would mean going back to WI, taking my son out of his amazing school, completely restarting. I wish we were closer to family so that a separation would be easier. Kicking him out again means I'm alone for most of the day and night - I have two kids in diapers and my oldest son has DS and needs significant supervision and care. It's just too much on my own, even if H came over and spent time with them a few days a week. We can barely keep up with the kids when we are working together side by side - alone is just... so hard.

Today my youngest child took her first steps. If I give up now, she will never remember a time when our family was whole. My heart is so broken I just don't know what to do.

We have continued in couples therapy and we are both in individual therapy as well.

Anyway, that's my story so far! PHEW, I'm so glad to have gotten it out there.

IMG_2572
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 5:25pm

What made you think your spouse was cheating?


I had a gut feeling something wasn't right and I wasn't buying the just friends thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 11:00pm

What made you think your spouse was cheating?

He no longer wanted to have sex with me, he was very argumentative, started fights over nothing, tried to blame me for EVERYTHING including things I had no control over. He was short tempered with me the kids everything. He would offer to buy me coffee at the local 7-11 and stay out 45 minutes (a 2 minute ride) he would do that often, sometimes more than one time a night. He hid the phone bills, then had them sent to the office. He changed his work hours, started riding my exercise bike, and stopped wearing his wedding ring. He gave me little to no money for the house all of a sudden he said we were 'broke' (paying those hotel bills and dating were cutting into our mtge payments!)

What is the first things you did to make sure you were right?

I tried to talk to him about it, he denied it each time and then turned it around to say that if I thought that, he might as well go ahead and have one any way if I were going to accuse him. I snooped a little here and there when I could.But didn't get far. He always erased his phone messages, texts and phone calls in and out before walking in the house.

How did you confront your spouse? How long did it or is it taking them to admit to it?

Finally after many months of this, he said he was going away on a job for a week end, left at 11:30 at night, with cologne on to meet a 'guy' to drive up to look at this 'job' I knew right there it was a lie, he was laughing and smiling looking like a kid going to the prom - so I went to our shop and snooped, found all the phone bills with several repetative #s for 7 months, found cards in a drawer from OW saying they were soul mates and so much in love, these cards spanned Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines day and Easter - so I knew how long to look at the phone records, I looked on whitepages.com and checked that's how I put the name on the card to a last name and address. That's where he was, he went away with hor for the week end while never even going away with me ever - not even a honeymoon in all these years (at that time 16)So I went to my SILs house told her all about it (BTW, I found more - extra underware, pillows, comforters etc at our shop) when I knew my BIL called and told him that he'd been 'found out' he didn't call me or come home that night either, so I changed the locks on the house myself, packed up all his clothes and shoes and dropped them off at the shop where he had been having sex with hor for 7 months..... and didn't let him back in or speak to him after that for 4 months. 3 of them he lived with hor in their 'own' place, after she abandoned hor home, pets and 3 sons to move in with him. for the 1st month he sometimes stayed with hor, sometimes with relatives and sometimes in their 'love nest' our place of business.
I locked him out on 5/1/09 = hor contacted him on 9/30/08, they began their A on 10/14/08, we 1st spoke after I locked him out on 8/12/09 the day after what was our 16th anniversary - and he came back home on 9/2/09 = he moved out of the place they had together on 8/30/09... we've been working on things since then... The 1st month was hell - he compared us all the time - everything, then MC and now we're working on it. It ain't easy - but that's it in a nut shell.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-1998
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 12:58pm

What made you think your spouse was cheating?

I had absolutely no idea until I was home from work one day as my daughter had strep throat. I got the classic 'your husband has been calling my wife' phone call. Huh? He apologized for having to be the one to tell me this and offered to send me copies of their phone bill. I thought it was ridiculous and that there was certainly an explanation. I called H and he told me it was his nurse and she did all of his scheduling and they called each other to check up on scheduling (as they moved between 3 different offices). Hmmm ok makes sense. He then agreed that they probably talked more than they needed to and would make sure to stop the chit chat and keep it business. I searched emotional affairs and we spent a long weekend talking about this and he promised to make the changes he needed to make. I set up counseling and was feeling pretty devastated that he was feeling so close to this woman.

The following Monday H called me and said that his nurses H had called him and was planning to call me. He said, "You are not going to want to be my friend anymore." Screech.....the ground shifted below me and life as I knew it no longer existed. He wouldn't tell me anything but said he would be home in a little bit. The H of his OW was threatening to kill him and he was worried. He hung up. I called back and said if you have something to tell me I want to hear it from you NOW. If I have to hear it from a stranger I don't know what I will do. So I asked him the dreaded questions:

1. Are you having an affair? Yes.
2. Have you slept with her? We have had physical relations (who SAYS that?)
3. Have you traveled together? Yes.

I was reeling. It was snowing. The children were all home due to the snow. I was on auto pilot. I went to our files and took out credit card and phone bills and began to pour over them. I slowly began to align my life with the one he had been living for the past year. Oh the business trip to another state-pleasure trip with OW. It went on and on and on....

He came home and was a shell of a man. Pale, shaking, afraid. We got in the car and drove to the police station and then to the city courts. Yes one hour after discovering my husband of 19 years had betrayed me I was standing in front of a judge getting a restraining order against my husband's girlfriends husband. Wow. Life doesn't get any better than that. Bleh!

What is the first things you did to make sure you were right?
He was an open book once we got passed that first hump so I didn't have to do much to know he had had an affair. However I did plenty to make sure he was telling me the truth about "NO CONTACT" I followed him, I met with the OW, I but a GPS tracker on his car, I checked his email, we changes his cell phone. Whatever it took to make me feel confident that it was completley over.

How long did it or is it taking them to admit to it?

It took him about 5 days to admit the 'emotional affair' was so much more.

We are now 3 years into rebuilding. Yes, our marriage is much stronger and closer than it was before the affair-but it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Initially I did the work to protect my children. But I am not here because I love him and believe in our marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2010
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 4:03pm
These last few stories are heartbreaking, yet I am jealous of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2009
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 6:46pm

What made you think your spouse was cheating?


My husband was the last man on earth I thought would do something like this.

Pages