Best friend betrayal

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2011
Best friend betrayal
4
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 6:54am

I have been married for four years (together for five). We have two children (one together, 3

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 11:45am

I'm so sorry for you having to go through this. 2 ppl you loved and trusted hurt you so badly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 12:24pm
I totally understand what you are going thru. I found out August 1st that my best friend and husband had a year long affair. To find out that two of the most important people in your life have lied and betrayed you for an entire year is the worst feeling imaginable. I am trying to save my marriage but I don't know if it is possible. I don't know that I can ever trust him again. He says he's trying and has done some things, but not to the extent I feel he shoudl. It feels he is doing just enough to get by. My friendship with her is over. I think her betrayal is worse than his.
It sounds like your husband is really trying. Sounds like he is doing a lot more than mine. Mine already quit texting me when he goes to work etc. He hasn't been all that attentive. He gets mad when I get upset and am having a bad day due to emotions. He brings up little things he has done like that is going to make everything better. I want more from him but can't seem to get it. I don't know if he just doesn't care or just doesn't get it. Anyway, it does sound like your husband is trying. If it was only once, I think that is a lot better than having a year long affair like my husband had. It sounds like they realized it was wrong and a mistake and stopped. That means a lot. My husband tried to say it was mistake, but I told him a mistake doesn't happen over and over.
I do think he needs to try to find another job and stay completely away from her. No contact at all. I don't think there is anyway you can make it work if he is having daily contact with her. Also, I suggest going to marriage counseling, it helps a lot. Sometimes a counselor can find ways of helping you understand each other better and why maybe things got to the point where he felt the need to have an affair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 12:59pm
Sad- all you can do is take it one moment at a time which translates into a day at a time. The irrational fear I felt right after dday has subsided but I am still very wary and watchful. I think that there is a huge difference in confessing vs getting caught. In all our situations, our husbands got caught somehow. And after that came the fear. And when a person is desperate I think they will do and say just about anything. Cheaters are capable of lying and deceit. Mind you, lying and being deceitful to the one person they swore to uphold and protect. Once trust is lost it takes alot of effort on cheaters part to "earn" it back. That can't be done in a day or even a month. I think it will take years and even then, a betrayel is not ever forgotten. If your husband has true remorse and is earnest in his effort. To rebuild, he has to do anything and everything you ask in order to be comfortable and at ease. If that means a new job, so be it. You already know that your husband and our ex friend cannot be trusted around one another.

At 6 months I am not past it, but it is dulled now. I focused on myself, what I liked/loved about myself. I took a long hard look at what I wanted out of this life for me and my children. I took a long hard look at how I contributed to our marriage's collapse. I read everything I could get my hands on concerning affairs. We went to marriage counseling and I had a few individual sessions. I found this board. I tried my best to face head on whatever emotion I was feeling because I felt like I was going insane at times. I really did. And then I realized that I am strong if I choose to be. I put my foot down on my expectations which were not unreasonable. I gave him no options. It was my way or he was gone. He had been in the drivers seat far too long and with him driving he had us in a 10 car pile up. And here we are. 6 months later.

He will do as he wishes. I don't believe that there is anyway to prevent that. He is a grown man making his own choices. We can only hope he pulls his head out of his rear in time so that he doesn't lose his greatest asset: his family. And if he chooses wrong, then he doesn't deserve you.

Take care- remember- baby steps. It's a yo yo. Some days are better than others. Just keep moving forward to your goals. Don't lose sight of them. You can come out in a win win situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2011
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 1:00pm
Thanks for the advice. He deleted her number from his phone and I have friends he works with watching both of them. Her spouse and I have been in contact since this happened. He told her if she truly wanted him back that she would find another job. So hopefully she does. When he is at work he is in constant contact with me whether it be a text or phone calls. He told me that whenever he got upset that he would bottle things up inside and let it eat at him. He said he realized that it wasn't me that was making him unhappy it was him making himself unhappy. He has cried for two days and I honestly think he wants to work on this. I told him that he shouldn't come back to me for our kids sake because it won't work between us. He told me he was coming back because he screwed up and I was the love of his life and he didn't want to live without me. He has been letting me know exactly where he is going and what he is doing. He has also been avoiding the town where she lives and that includes him switching gyms to one that was half hour away from where she lived.