betrayed and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
betrayed and confused
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 8:08am

Ok first let me star by saying Im not looking for judgement here. Iam looking for advice and hope. So last week I get my usual hey honey on my way home cant wait to see you text frm my husband 2 secnds later i get a quiet obscene text about being hme in bed hard and missing you. Well clearly this was not meant for me. I text him back so he knew he was caught then ran out with friends to drink ( not my best idea but i needed to run away) Well any way the next day i confront the issue head on he tells me he has been texting and chatting with multiple women and that his need fr instant gratification led him t giving his phone number out to many woman ( he apparently gt tired of waiting for them to go into the chat rooms )  Now i actually go int the cell phone bill and text several of the numbers and just one text me back turn out he was chatting with this one fr 3 months gave her all false information and she was just 16 althugh she did admit to telling him she was 19. Now with this information in hand is where my heart broke i got to my husband and ask how many woman He tells me hundreds he has these fake identities he pretends to be what they want him to be and say he only talked t woman who were 18 or and that he shared pictures back and fourth and the shared those pictures with other men online (The thought makes me ill) He prccedes to tell me how sorry he is he tells me this is a problem of his that he has an addiction to texting and enjoys playing these fantasy games. When i ask him whats wrong with our relationship that he has to do this ? He begins a full on confeesion of always having an addiction in his life he informs me before this it was drugs and alcohol and video games this just was a addiction that came from online gaming. He tells me that there is nothing abut ur relatinship he would change things are damn near perfect and that all means nothing to him and that he will never d it again He chanhed his phone number right away and closed down all the social media sites he was on. He swears he loves me and that he would never physically cheat n me. 

Now a week later im broken im sad i cry all the time (not around him ) I dont know what to do. I feel like i have lost my best friend. I want to believe him but I dont . i feel like im married to someone i dont know. he has never sent me pictures like that or sent be and explicit text messages He is always so respectful toward me a gentleman actually. We are always together., always have been since the day we met. Do i try to get past all of this try to understand his addictive personality? Do i snoop in his email get an sms catcher? I feel like doing something like that would be wrong.  

Im sorry this is so jumbled and my thought are unclear i just need outsider pints of view I cant talk to my friends or famiy he has good relationships with them and i dont want to ruin that for him.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 6:12pm

Yeah, I agree with caseejean, you are really fresh to this, you can't know everything right now. There is probably more to come. I would get a shrink as soon as possible and start talking and start listening. This is going to be a long road. This isn't going to be over in a week, or a month. This is a big problem and you need help. You can't absorb or understand the problem you are facing on your own. I read like ten books after my spouses affair. Here is the one that had the most comprehensive information:

I would have it sent next day and start reading. This is your rainy day. I would spend the money.



We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 11:34am

Thank you for your replies it helps to here from others that have been here. Therapy is definately the answer i agree having been in a phsicall and emotionally abusive relationship before I am no stranger to therapy.  In seven years this is the first time i have been this low im seeing the signs of depression creeping in. So the calls are made and hopefully someone will call me monday. I did mention therapy t him and he seems reluctant, either way I will go. While i realize that this is him and not me I cant help but wonder how i missed it but honestly he is such a wonderful person in everyother way He never leaves my side except to work which he does 12 hours day nearly everyday i know he is there because of his paystubs this was all through his phone. There is absolutely no way he could have a physical affair  and i know that but as said in another post he let squatters into his head fantasy or not he shared emotions with other woman that are supposed to be only mine. 

I could easily just walk away and end our marriage but i really think he is worth this one chance. I dont know if Ill ever trust him again right now i feel like the answer to that is no. But i do have great support people in my life who say since ive been with him i have never been so happy and until last week this was true. I have two trusted friends who know about this and they think its worth a try.  I will be in therapy and i hope he will reconsider and go for himself .  I think that him admitting to the problem is a start but if he wants t keep our family intact he is going to have to decide does he want reality or fantasy he cant have both. While I have kicked him out of our bed i wake up each morning with him and discuss plans for the day before he leaves.  I knw this is not going to be easy but if he work on his problem and i do not accept everything at his word as in the past I think we can work this out. As for the snooping I dont like it    i feel its neccessary at this time i wnt snoop into the past but i will monitor the future at least for a while.  thank you again your words and advice help