Betrayed and devestated

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2013
Betrayed and devestated
6
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 3:28pm

I have just started my journey of trying to heal after being betrayed. I am a 32 year old mother of two. My son is 6 years old and our daughter is 2 months old. My boyfriend and I had what I thought was the perfect relationship until recently. After finding texts throughout the last few months on his phone, I finally asked him Saturday for his Facebook password. He gave it to me, obviously thinking that he deleted messages. However, I know that facebook messages archive and they don't delete. What I found next was completely devestating and I am so lost and numb.

After scrolling through all of his deleted messages, I found 50 (I counted them) conversations with different women. He initiated all of them, asked them to meet him for sex and told them things that he doesn't even tell me. As I was reading through each message, I can't describe what I was feeling. Anger, pain, hurt, devestated, shock....just lost. I messaged many of the girls to ask them if they had actually met up with him. All of them said that they hadn't and they had only chatted about sex on Facebook.

When I confronted him, he cried. He promised that he hadn't physically cheated on me and that he never would. He said it was all talk and it made him feel good that other women were willing to meet up with him and found him attractive. These conversations have been going on since the beginning of our relationship. I feel that our entire relationship has been a lie and I am so lost. I don't know what is best for our family at this point. He promises that he will never do it again. I changed all of the information on his facebook and deactivated it so he can never get into it again. He said he is willing to go to counseling to make us work out because he said that he knows he has an addiction/obsession with women. But he says he would never physically cheat on me.

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this in here. I'm just so lost and hurt. I want to keep our family together and I love him so much. I just don't know if this kind of behavior can actually be changed. Even with counseling. I guess I just need some support and don't know where else to turn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2013
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 7:57pm

Our situations are different, but the hurt of betrayal are the same-I do not have any good answers for your because I am pretty new to this, but I did not want you to feel alone so I responded.  All I can say is this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with- sometimes I wonder if I will always feel so crappy-I recommend counseling and talking with your BF as much and as often as possible.  Good luck-sadly, you are not alone-

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2013
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 7:57pm

Our situations are different, but the hurt of betrayal are the same-I do not have any good answers for your because I am pretty new to this, but I did not want you to feel alone so I responded.  All I can say is this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with- sometimes I wonder if I will always feel so crappy-I recommend counseling and talking with your BF as much and as often as possible.  Good luck-sadly, you are not alone-

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 9:46pm

That must have been very devastating to you.  I imagine you had some suspicions of something going on, or you wouldn't have asked for his FB password.  I wouldn't tell you whether to stay or not in the long run, but considering you have a new baby, I would say don't make any rash decisions.  I do know that if you are going to work things out, you would need joint counseling & he would also have to go to indiv. counseling to figure out what is going on with him.  I think just saying that he wouldn't do it again is not going to work.  I would imagine that someone who needs constant validation of his attractiveness from other women while he's in a relationship has some very deep insecurities.  Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2013
Wed, 02-20-2013 - 2:08pm

You are not alone.  So many of us have been through this, and it is so hard in the beginning.  Don't make any rash decisions right now.  Just focus on your health and well-being (eat right and sleep well) so you will have the strength to deal with the situation. 

I am not a professional, but it sounds like your boyfriend has some issues.  It doesn't necessarily mean he is a "bad" partner.  Rather he might be a good partner with an unhealthy issue.  Its sounds like he needs to - and is willing to - go to counselling  to figure out what compels him to act this way. 

In some respects, you are in a little bit of a different situation than some others facing infidelity issues.  Many of us are dealing with our partners forming a longlasting physical and emotional bond with one woman, while it sounds like you are facing a boyfriend who flirts with many woman simply for the rush it gives him.  Still, the betrayal is the same and hurts the same. 

I think it is good you joined this board.  For so long, I struggled in silence because I didn't want to bring my family and friends into my situation.  Many people don't understand why someone would stay after an affair.  (I was one of those people before it happened to me).  Online boards are a good place to discuss the deals and get it all out, while maintaining some semblence of normalcy at home.

Wishing you strength.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2013
Thu, 02-21-2013 - 1:29pm

Thank you all so much for responding. It makes me so sad to know that there are so many people who have to deal with infidelity in their relationships. I know that mine may not be the same because he hasn't admitted to physically cheating on me, but knowing that our whole relationship has been a lie is just devestating. I honestly can't say that I 100% believe that he didn't cheat on me physically. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that he hasn't physically cheated like he says that he didn't, but I can't help but to wonder. The last four months of my pregnancy (our daughter is 2 months old), he wasn't interested in me at all. I tried all the time to be intimate but he always said no or he was too tired. I have a hard time believing that he didn't have sex with anyone for four months, especially after what I found out this past week. We are going  try counseling. He is going to go for his "addiction" or whatever it may be to sex & women and we are also going to go to couples counseling. I also feel that may need to go to indvidual counseling to get over this and try to move forward. Through all of the hurt and pain, I haven't thought about leaving him because I don't want to believe that it can't be fixed. I feel so stupid for staying with him, but I can't imagine my life without him :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2013
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 2:12am

Whatever you do... LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS!!!!  Don't take anything he says at face value because he's already proven to you that he has no reservations about lying to save his own ass.  I look back over the last few months and there were signs my husband was having an affair, and even though my instincts were saying "Red flag red flag!" I ignored them because 1) I never thought he was capable of this, and 2) I had no proof.  Now I have learned, relationships aren't a court of law, and you don't need DNA evidence.  I wish I would have listened to my instincts because they have NEVER lead me wrong.  Never.  Not just in this relationship, but in all of them.  I doubted them for a while becaues I had no proof, but I will NEVER make that mistake again.  If you feel there was a PA, don't ignore that.  And don't give him the benefit of the doubt because he's already proven he has no qualms about lieing to you.  I hope he didn't... good luck.  But listen to those guts, girl.