Betrayed & Feeling Lost - Need someone to talk to

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2012
Betrayed & Feeling Lost - Need someone to talk to
7
Wed, 01-04-2012 - 2:51pm

I'm so lost and hurt. Here is my whole story..

I've been married for almost 18yrs now, but I've been with my husband for over 20+years. We have three great kids that are just about out of the house. Don't get me wrong we have had our share of fights and disagreements but have managed to work thru them. We have been happy for the most part. Due to the economy my husbands company closed down where we lived so in order to keep his job he transfered to Las Vegas, I stayed behind with the kids so they could finish out the school year. I was also unemployed during this time so the money strain was tough, me and kids were going to move down that summer well one thing led to another and we never made it down, so right when we were looking at house to rent his company called and offered him a better opportunity and more money to move to this small town, so he took it. So we rearranged the house hunting to the new location. Mean while when he would come home from this new job on the weekends he keep talking about this girl (!@#$) that he works with, anyways I never thought anything about it until we (me & kids) made the move. Then he was just grumpy and short with everyone and wanted to work all the time. So finally about 3 weeks after getting back together after 6mos apart, he called me down to his work after hours and said he wanted to talk..Then he says he can't do this roller coster anymore, that we never have any money and he's sick of always being broke! (Like I'm not) and that maybe we would be better apart then together since we can't ever save any money, and that I hurt him by choosing the kids over him cause we didn't move right away. Anyways after the talk he started getting better but still wanted to work all the time and talking and texting way more than the man ever has before to this girl, So the more I kept thinking about our talk the more the red flags started popping up. Everytime I would visit my hubby at his work this girl was there or staying late when he was there, when I would come down to see if he wanted to get lunch she would tell him that I was giving her dirty looks. So I couldn't handle anymore so I ask him one night did I have something to worry about with her..Then he tells me that yea he would screw her and he doesn't know what he wants anymore and that he's trying to figure out what he wants, then he comes clean that he slept with someone while he was away from me. Which crushed me!! and now he wants to sleep with this girl (which is 21 I might add) he's 41. So I called this girl on the phone and asked her if she wanted to sleep with my husband or has she slept with him and of course she said no that he was her boss and he was older than her, so I told her to keep this between us. She goes and tells my husband that I'm pycho and told him what I said, so of course he came home to confront me and says why can't I just leave this alone so he can figure himself out and I shouldn't have called her. So we had a long talk and started working on issues that I didn't know was bothering him that I do or did. Well things started to get better but of course his betrail keeps eating at me. She is still there when I pop in to say hello or whatnot, so we had another blow up fight and I told him that I though it was wrong what she is doing and he says they are just friends and haven't done anything, he can't help that she works there and he won't fire her because she does her job. He talks about our sex life with her and she talks about hers with him and they have so much in common. etc etc.. We have been talking more and having way better sex lately than we ever have in our 20+ years together. However then he tells me that I should thank this girl because she's the one that suggested that he talk to me before he threw it all away. But he also had to throw in there that he would still sleep with her and that yes he would get with her if things don't work out between us, and yes he has know that she has been trowing herself at him since he started working there, but for now he will keep it at a friends level. Then he said if things don't get better in our finances then we should part ways, we might be able to make it better apart then together. So I'm asking for advice in what I should do? I feel really lost and confused and on a ledge. She has backed off abit on the flirting he says since she knows I'm mad at her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Speaking from personal experience.... They are not just friends!!! Follow your instincts! Remind him that he will not do better financially because as long as you've been married he will have to pay spousal support!
He is telling you just enough to make you believe there is nothing going on. Manipulating you into thinking "why would he tell me this and not the rest"... Liars! I'm sorry you are going through this. I truly know how painful it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

So sorry your going thru this. I hate to say this but his bad behavior towards you and the kids are classic signs of how a married man acts towards his family when he's having an affair. What I think happened

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Honey, all the other posters are right. My situation with the exH and yours are so similar. Its not 'just friends', he's making excuses and trying to blame you for his choices. He's trying to buy himself time to decide what HE wants and to hell with you and the kids. See an attorney ASAP! You'll be entitled to spousal support (I got alimony for LIFE in my divorce), half his pension, half the assets, etc. Make an appt. with an attorney, with a doctor to check for STDs and see a counselor ASAP. I wish you the best! You'll make it through this and come out stronger, I promise you that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2012
My first time here but can relate to this thread...I can't believe I have been so CLUELESS in my "almost 39 year" marriage. We had so many separations due to his work, the kids school, job changes etc and I have FINALLY realized he has been cheating all this time!!! I think the work relationship has been much more than "just friends" and since he has had a taste of his freedom that is why he is suggesting living apart...to cheat you have to be a good liar...I sure learned this the hard way as we are now on the divorce track! Bless your heart for putting the children's needs first by waiting to move. I wish you the best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

(((longlineoflies)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

If he thinks finances are tight NOW, just wait until there are two residences to pay for, that's all smoke and mirrors - it's not even original!