Betrayed, but I don't know how

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Betrayed, but I don't know how
15
Wed, 06-22-2011 - 10:44pm

After almost 20 years of normal happy married life and a couple of teenage kids together, I've been blindsided. My husband said he's miserable and wants out, as soon as possible, within the month. In our state we need a year of separation and he wants to get the clock started. I am so shocked, confused, devastated. It's like he became someone I don't recognize. There've been strange things over the years, sudden interest in extra grooming, secret trips attributed to work, and a generally increasing atmosphere of nothing I ever do being right or good, constant belittling. But I thought there just needed to be more open commmunication, more understanding and supportiveness on my part, a complete physical checkup and depression screening for him, normal stuff. I had no idea that, as he says, he has not loved me for a long time and has no interest in me whatsoever. I've been betrayed by something and the most confusing thing is not knowing what it is. Nothing adds up. He cited stress about the house but wants to have me and the kids stay in the house because it's not a good time to sell. He cited child rearing issues but that seems like such a solvable problem - we even have friends who did great with coparenting classes. It's suspicious that there's such a hurry, and that there's such finality in his unilateral decision. So aside from just looking for some verification that I'm not the crazy one here, I do have a question...

We're going to try counseling, which will help all of us regardless of how this turns out, and I wondered what hope I might have, what I could do to encourage him to be honest in there so I can find out what actually happened to me. I'm pretty sure he's not been honest with me so far. I feel like he's just saying whatever it takes to accomplish his goal of separation. Anyone else been through this type of betrayal? Any hope for us to get back on track? TIA.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Wed, 06-22-2011 - 10:57pm

My husband told me for months, he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore, he didn't know what he wanted, he was confused and needed to figure out what he wants, he thought he wanted a divorce although he could never bring himself to say the word.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 06-22-2011 - 11:34pm

Im so sorry, I know that feeling so well of feeling something is off, then being blinsided and knowing your life has changed overnight, just like that.

I hate to say it, but the extra grooming, "work trips", and the belittling are all red flags pointing to an affair (all happened during my H affair too). His rush could be that if there is an OW, she may have given him an ultimatum and timeline of when he needs to leave you or SHE is done with him.

Have you seen the "180" threads here? Look into it as this is what you may want to put into practice ASAP in order to get your power and strength back during this most difficult time.

If he is leaving for OW, he may very well learn that the grass is not greener when he is with her 24/7. It happens all the time as studies show that the vast majority of relationships that start as affairs soon die when real life sets in.

Please take care of yourself, you may even want to call your doctor to ask about temporary meds to take the edge off while you go throught this trauma in your life.

Keep posting in for support and let us know how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 2:55am

Yes the extra grooming, secret trips, constantly belittling you etc. are HUGE RED FLAGS that he IS having an affair. The sudden announcement that he wants to leave is probably because he was given a time line by the OW that he either leaves or she's done. Can you get into his phone or

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 2:58am
I was married for 20 years when the same thing happened to me. Your story is almost identical to mine. My X did exactly the same things~belittling me, working out of town and 'couldn't' come home, extra grooming, etc. He even had an anxiety attack and wound up on meds. Long story short~he was having an affair and I'm sorry but I'd say your H is , too. Check his cell and the cell phone records. That's how I found out or rather our daughter found out. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I know the devastation of hearing them say they don't love you.

There is nothing you can do to make him be honest with you or in therapy. I am going to urge you to speak with an attorney ASAP just to protect yourself. Also, please get tested for STDs ASAP for your own sake. Listen to what the attorney tells you and don't assume that if you do divorce that your H is going to be fair. His haste is very telling. I'm afraid it sounds like he's trying to buy himself some time to work things out on his end for HIS benefit. He's already giving you the classic lines that its your fault that there are problems. They will do anything to blame you and justify their actions when they are in an affair. Listen to your instincts. This has all the signs of a man in an affair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 3:11am

Hey gwtwfan

Glad to see you back again. So what's going on since your divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 3:40am

Peace,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 3:41am

PEACE, Remember me? GW? Its good to see an old friend! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 5:56am

I am not his friend on Facebook (he said he doesn't want to be connected to all the neighbors like I am). I don't know the password to his phone (I trusted him, didn't see any reason to look in his phone). I don't know the password to his email. He works in a secret location and can't be reached during work (in our area there are lots of jobs like that, even the trips didn't trip a flag for me because for my own safety I was on a need-to-know basis).

I feel hopeless - one side of me says I don't even need to know the truth because it won't change the actions he plans to take, it won't change the financial or emotional outcome of this separation/divorce. He wants to do mediation, no court, all amicable and fair. From what I've read and what my attorney told me, whether he's having an affair will have little impact on my outcome. And based on the above, I don't know how to even begin finding things out if he won't admit them.

All I can think is that I need to figure out how to make him man up and accept that he's got two kids half raised and he has an obligation to make this work for a few more years. I hoped the counseling would get him to accept what he's doing to our kids. He obviously doesn't care what he's doing to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 12:31pm

LIfe's great, peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 12:56pm

I'm so glad you consulted with an attorney. Your attorney is right.

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