For a betrayer

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
For a betrayer
78
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 10:23am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 11:46pm

Never saw that one before, either!!!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2009
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 10:42am
After affair support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 10:01pm

alice,


you writing on OUR board doesn't bother me as it does some of the others, but that is mostly b/c i am over 4 years from my hellish dday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 10:32pm

alice

i want to thank you for have the empathy to post to this board.

i remember when i first found out i was a wreck, i found this site and where did i go to the boards where women (predominantly) were involved in affairs. i remember, to this day, how kind they were to me. i too was looking for answers, insight - wanting advice from the other side.

YES, i wish i had of known. truth be told it seemed like many many people knew - however i did not. my husband had friends who too were involved in affairs and these same married me shared my husbands extra curricular activities with their wives. why, i do not know. yet when we would interact i always had this sense that there was something that i was not in the loop on. you know what i mean? i am sure you do as we women have these things called 'guts' that often ring the alarm that all is not well, but for whatever reason we that alarm seems to fall on deaf ears until d day.

your comment regarding moving onto the next girlfriend is somewhat true. and please know that i truly DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND with this next statement. however, the majority of men do not have girlfriend like feelings for women they are cheating with. more often than not, they see women, all women, especially their wives as instruments of their pleasure, their needs. little empathy is shown on dday and more often than not they put the blame onto you as the ow, or we the wives. it is all about them. my husband did exactly what you said, he got onto the computer and logged into adultfriender and yahoo personals looking for 'next' , opened up a little paper called the 'reader' and thumbed thru the escorts and massage classifieds. the ability to process just who and what he was about, he did not have because he was selfish. the names he would call the other women when he and i would have conversations, despicable - names that showed absolutely no respect for them.

now this is not always the case, but unfortunately it is more often than not.

the pain, humiliation, lack of self esteem, loss of trust, is life changing. because if the wife chooses to stay and attempt to rebuild she never really sees him with the same trusting eyes.

while i do not condone any woman cheating with a married man, i have learned thru this process that my husband was the person i shared the vows with. i also know, in my case, that my husband either lied, or misled most of the women he became involved with. either he was a widower or had never been married. there were a few who did know before hand. at first i wanted to run the 3 year affair woman over with my car, look in the rear view mirror and if i even saw a twitch would have put that puppy in reverse and did it again. then reality hit, i was projecting all of my anger onto her and yet crying when it came to my interactions with him. we as women have simply got to begin to form strong bonds of respect for each other. we, as we all know, are the strength in this society and very few of us are driven by a second head that we carry between our legs. ha ha

you know, you are exactly the type of person that dr phil is speaking of when he says "when we know better we do better".

it is, i am sure, helpful for many to read that some other women do take time to take pause and reconsider the pain or potential pain they may end up causing so many.

good luck to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 10:38pm

please do not, ever, tell your husband. but rather love him for still being there when you realized the truth about what was going on.

your marriage has been given a second chance, and it sounds as though you know the obvious, for this you should be so grateful. he will never have to look at you with doubting eyes, never have to be intimate with you and wonder is it me she is making love to, never have to worry about another ball dropping at any time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 1:58pm

OMG your reply is wonderful (as it relates to the way I feel sometimes) – I don’t know yet if I am being betrayed, I am still searching. But this part “Even if you don't know about the affair the wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 2:09am

Alice.


This is long.


Your posts hurt to read because I still hear the language and mindset of an AP.


There is something that goes on, within most AP's, that allows them to say things, and think that they believe them, and those are vital to who they 'are' and reflect what they really feel and want....
And then, they can act in ways that do not support that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 2:54am

Hi, peas.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 7:51am
...I can speak with authority on losing a partner and discovering infidelity...to be honest, I believe I have had an easier time with it than any of you that have posted on this board...there were no "the sky is really purple" speeches trying to convince me that what I knew to be true was not...I didn't go through any of the back and forth...most people find, after death...that earth stuff really isn't as important as we all thought...I also learned so many lessons about myself (through his writings)...I had allowed myself to view myself through rose colored glasses...as it turned out...neither one of us were rose colored...we were two people trying to make it through and his chance to make anything better or to apologize was finished...my chance to tell him how sorry I was for the pain that I caused him was finished...but...I did learn that I must, without a doubt treat those people that I love as though they may leave the house and never come back...that's a powerful lesson...my Grandfather's infidelity was also discovered after his death...his girlfriend dropped by...I was amazed at the reaction of some of my family members who were in "our parents had a perfect marriage" mode...but, when all was said and done, my grandmother was an adult who knew her marriage and I don't think she found her 49 years a lie...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 11:36am

zejayge,


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