For a betrayer

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
For a betrayer
78
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 10:23am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 5:18pm
...I was emotionally invested in my marriage...I loved him like a friend...but, I wasn't sexually attracted to him...knew it going in to the marriage, but I was too young and sexually inexperienced to articulate it...when I began to feel that I did not want to have sex with him at all I also realized that exposing myself emotionally to him in a romantic way set us both up to end up in a sexual situation that I did not, in any way, want to be in...I should have been honest with him from the beginning...and let him decide if wanted to marry a woman that was not sexually attracted to him...should he have divorced me regardless of the power the Army would give?...probably not...I wouldn't have...should he have said..."I am divorcing you and for the remaining 5.5 years of my 6 year enlistment I will see my son for a few weeks a year and then we'll catch back up...I will sacrifice the Army after this enlistment even though I will have 15 hard years in (just 5 from retirement)...I won't finish my career...or maybe I will so that will be 11 years spending a few weeks with my son a year"...I wouldn't have done that and I sure don't expect anyone else to...if I had an unresponsive spouse that I knew would do everything to make me miserable (and had the power to do that) after a divorce, I would probably chance it and be unfaithful...and, I probably wouldn't have found out...he did 90 day rotations in and out of the country...she lived in the other country...maybe each and every one of you would have spent the remainder of an enlistment without your child and you would have given up a retirement you worked hard for...I don't know...I think what bothers BSs that read my posts is that they feel my sense of responsibility for the infidelity in my marriage reflects on all BS...not the case...I wasn't inside anyone's home other than my own...as for my mother...she was a miserable woman who became pregnant in '65...she had the unfortunate experience of being in the military at a time when women were not allowed to remain in the military after a pregnancy...she was miserable being a housewife and mother...that did not change after the divorce...when it comes to my father...I was inside of his home and I know what he went through...I don't know what went on behind closed doors...I also know how miserable my life was because of my mother both before and after the divorce...my life with my father was completely different...even when I lived with him, in spite of his more strict rules...my life was happier...I am glad that my father divorced my mother, I have wonderful memories of that life...my mother never missed an opportunity if I forgot to do the dishes or put away the laundry to tell me that I was unwanted and had ruined her career...as for my grand mother and grand father...they were the typical unhappy couple who celebrated their milestone anniversaries with their parish communities while simultaneously tearing each other and their families to shreds with their nastiness...I wish the the infidelity had been exposed much earlier and they had divorced...but, as it was...their community found them to be a successfully married couple...I just heard my aunt the other day talk about how couples are divorcing left and right..nobody stayed the course like her parents had...whatever...would I be devastated if my husband were unfaithful...absolutely...that devastation would not mean that I did not play my part in the infidelity...and, I go out of my way to be the best mother and wife that I can...I don't let myself say "I could do that better, but..."...I just strive to be the best...and, to not make the same mistakes that I did the first time around..thank God I've gotten the chance...as a matter of fact, I am on my way out the door to play frisbee and I won't be able to read this for typos or grammar...sorry...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 11:33pm

I appreciate your writing in here, and that you seem to have cleared some of your “fog”, even if you’re not completely out of denial yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 2:55pm

How sad for you and your children that you involve them in your affair!! You are on the wrong board!

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 4:43pm
...I think it's important to keep in mind that whatever tag is thrown at an affair partner...an even worse (much worse) tag must be thrown at your spouse that slept/loved/spent time with the affair partner...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 10:13pm

I'm interested in knowing what your intentions are for coming on this Board and consistently belittling BSs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 10:43pm
...I don't think support always takes the shape of "how terrible for you"...I think one of the healthiest things a betrayed spouse can do is direct their anger toward their spouse and then demand to be treated better...directing anger toward a party that a cheating spouse invites into the marriage does nothing but keep the anger/hurt alive...how are my words "spewing hate"???
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2009
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 10:51pm

Obviously Z no one on this board is willing to accept that affairs are not all cookie cutter.

I do not need to justify my love affair chijd. The anger and hate being spewed from the BS would be better served if directed towards what is lacking in the marriage then at "the other woman who means so little"--according to all who replied.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 9:36am

Hello,


We encourage everyone to share their thoughts and feelings on Betrayed Spouses Support - this has been an interesting thread with lots of helpful feedback and perspectives offered.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 10:49am

"...I don't think support always takes the shape of "how terrible for you"...I think one of the healthiest things a betrayed spouse can do is direct their anger toward their spouse and then demand to be treated better..."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 10:51am

"I do not need to justify my love affair chijd."


Oh yeah?

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