Bizarro!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Bizarro!
18
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 2:20pm

I posted a discussion under Rebuilding Rollercoaster about my H canoodling w/a women in our house 5 years after his A. Well . . . we just went to our son's soccer game and guess who was there! The girl! Now, I totally blamed my H for his behavior - he is 13 years older than her, she wasn't married, etc. etc. Well, it appeared she was there to meet up with the father of one of my son's friends! I saw him rubbing her back during the game! His wife wasn't there obviously. They have 4 children.

I am in a total state of confusion and feel just like the lady who knows about her co-worker.

How can people flaunt their crappy behavior in public and cause distress in others who witness it and care about the wife, kids, etc.

I have been nauseated all morning . . . I feel like the whole 'fear of telling' the wounded spouse, allows the affair to just keep on keeping on - others feel distress due to the selfish behavior of the ones having the affair.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
In reply to: imommy22boys
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 7:47pm

you know many come here to discuss the pain of affairs - the pain comes from the betrayal.

so often the betrayed spouse is caught up in NOT being able to move on and wondering why. as i read your post i was hit with the thought of just how little the spouse matters to the betraying spouse. the fact that they are able to seek out, plan, engage in acts, and even flaunt what they are up to.

perhaps that is why so many have such difficulty in trying to either move on or move out - they are in fact suffering from post traumatic syndrome. the facts of the affair, all of the torrid details, far too much to process. how could someone we thought we knew so well totally disregard us and our feelings in such a painful way - did a part of them hate us that much??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
In reply to: imommy22boys
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 8:31pm
Sissy, from what I have read, they didn't hate us so much, either they didn't think of us at all, or they hated themselves and tried to build their ego's by going with someone less than us, less than themselves to boost their own ego, the lower they go with an OW, the less OW is, the better it makes them feel, because the OW WILL look up to them and they will thrive on the attention and the adoration of these pitiful creatures, as well as the power it makes them feel like they have... it's all pretty sick!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: imommy22boys
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 8:48pm

I agree, they get so wrapped up in their little secret that they act sloppy like what I saw today. How am I supposed to look at this Dad again? I have felt like I have PTSD all day - anxious, nauseated, agitated.

I read in 'Shalom in the Home' a great statement that a WS doesn't just have an affair on his/her spouse, but also on their children. What could ever be worth risking your family? It is so sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
In reply to: imommy22boys
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 11:36pm

im so sorry you had to endure that.

It just makes you wonder what they are missing our of their lives that they can not say it to the one they love.

HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
In reply to: imommy22boys
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 1:15pm

"Did a part of them hate us that much?"


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
In reply to: imommy22boys
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 12:22am

truth be told, they are in their own little world where, for that period of time, we do not exist. it is separate from us. they are trying to feed something within themselves that they perceived we have failed to do. not realizing that we can not make them whole, only they can do that.

the key amarina, in my personal opinion is this, if after discovery by us, if they get it. if they truly take ownership, if they are able to show empathy and put themselves in our position and understand how we feel. if they are truly sorry for what they did and not simply sorry that they got caught - well then healing can be obtained.

but that original foundation, it is gone forever. i do believe, even though it did not happen in my case, if all of the above are felt and understood - well a new stronger foundation can be built and happiness can once again be found. this time however on true respect, love, dignity, laughter, open communication, and most important honesty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
In reply to: imommy22boys
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 12:31am
you know the real question...... how does he look at himself in the mirror?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
In reply to: imommy22boys
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 12:34am
call me funny, but i have could never look to a stranger for validation. i always thought that special feeling was special because of who was feeling it - does that make any sense??
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: imommy22boys
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 6:43am
...well...yes, and no...as far as validation and strangers...of course, if we are in love and love, we want that recipient to feel admiration and all of those feelings that we give...but, as humans, we still look to our culture (both in and out group) for validation...of course, we all like to say that don't...but, we do...it's why we practice courtesy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
In reply to: imommy22boys
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 11:48am

interesting point you raise. and while i know that there are cases where the cheating spouse and other woman/man do go on to find happiness together - those cases are rare.

perhaps i am an eternal polyanna with some old fashioned ideas and beliefs - i wonder if much of anything good really comes out of deceit, lies, and hurting others.

how different life would be if we could all just be honest and honor others. if it is not working, if we wake up to find it is broken and can not be fixed then end it and move on with dignity leaving the spouse with feelings of respect towards you and the good memories you once shared. but like i said i am a bit of a polyanna.

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