came without a warning...:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2013
came without a warning...:(
5
Sun, 12-01-2013 - 11:00pm

How do I get over thinking my husband of 13 years cheated on me, not just sex but had a emotional affair with another woman.  I'm always thinking he still wants to be with her. I can't stop thinking of her and things they talked about.  We are trying to work things out. But I'm afraid of him doing it again or worse leaving for another woman.  he did tell me of the cheating but I snooped around and saw how much emotional it was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 12-02-2013 - 1:38am

So, he told you he cheated on you.  Why did he tell you?  Was he sorry about it?  Did the two of you talk about it?  Could he tell you why?  I can't imagine a man tells his wife he cheated, and that's the end of the conversation.  I was married to a cheater, and I know it hurts.  He was one who wouldn't discuss it, and he also was involved with many women during our 20 year marriage.  I divorced him because I was sick of it......but if he'd been able to discuss it, or had been willing to get counseling, we might have stayed married.  You and your husband need to talk about it, and maybe get counseling, but driving yourself crazy over it isn't helping anything.  Some men slip once and it never happens again.  It isn't going to just go away, you have to work on fixing your marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 12-02-2013 - 10:30am

Sounds like he's not a serial cheater, since apparently this is the first time in 13 years this has happened. I've read that men who cheat usually feel disrespected by their wives. If you don't think this is the reason, you two probably lost an emotional connection over the years. Maybe you two became lazy about putting a daily effort into the relationship. If this was the case, you can be proactive now. Ask him what he thinks the reason he cheated is. If it's that you two seem like boring roomates, tell him you want to establish an emotional connection with him again. Give each other foot or back rubs. Do different things like a romantic picnic on the living room floor. Go to a couples store and pick out massage oils and other things there. Go to a nearby town and spend the weekend. Make him his favorite cookies. Write him a love message on the bathroom mirror in lipstick. Take turns planning a date day/night once a week, or at least every other week. 

I hope that he is truly sorry for what he's done. Did he pledge to stop all communication with her and does he truly want to work things out with you? Whether he has or not, I think counseling will help you two with skills to eventually come through this tragic period. This is fresh and you can't expect to trust him or come to terms with what's happened for a really long time. If he's a good man, think of this as a wake up call that you two need to make positive changes in your marriage. He should have communicated to you that he was not totally happy and taken steps to make things better. He did not, and he did something wrong. He needs to regain your trust and make effort to assure you this will never happen again. I wish the best for you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 12-03-2013 - 9:08am

Hugs mor484!   IMHO in every marriage there can be difficulties BUT that is not an excuse for one partner to cheat.  There are many other options the WS (wayward spouse) has instead of cheating.  His/her choice to cheat is purely  a selfish one--done without the consideration of any of the other people it will hurt.  It affects not just the BS (betrayed spouse) but the whole family.  Please do not accept responsibilty for your H's actions.

I suggest counseling for yourself and your DH--alone and together as marriage counseling. Counseling really helped me.  It helped me see that even though my exh was trying to turn his choice around on me, I didn't 'make' him do it. Personally I never made the choice to cheat.  If I can control myself so can he, right?  IMHO when you encounter a problem with your partner in a marriage you work together to fix it not turn to another person.  That NEVER fixes anything, only creates more issues.   I also did not see it coming--I know now that my exh was a master at deception. 

   Is your H willing to go to counseling?  To find out what within himself gave him permission to make the choice to cheat?  Does your H have remorse or is he sorry he got caught?  

Many of our posters have rebuilt with their H's.  It doesn't happen overnight.  I can be a slow process to learn to trust your WS again.  It is your H's job to rebuild that trust--what he broke.  Please don't beat yourself up.  

I will try to bump up the fabulous post that Thomas, one of the members on the board, wrote about what to do when you find out.

Many Hugs!  You will get through this!!

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 12-08-2013 - 1:40am

The first thing to understand is his cheating had absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU.  Cheating is a conscious choice people make, a very selfish one, and there are always options.  This is about him, it's not about you.  Turning away from a relationship to someone else is wrong, if there were issues he made the wrong choice to fix them.  If your relationship has problems, you both have had a role in THAT.  But you need to try to fix them, not blow them out of the water by cheating.  I read years ago men basically need to be admired, women need to feel cherished.  I see that in most of us.  He planted some bad seeds in your brain now and I'm not surprised you're obsessing here.  But do yourself a favor - get it in your head you did nothing wrong and you had zip to do with him cheating, and then go talk to a pro.  You deserve that kind of help. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 12-10-2013 - 6:22pm

I totally agree with Ollie and Myradorn. He alone is to blame for cheating. You did NOTHING to make him do this. You owe it to yourself to get some help dealing with this. Talk to a counselor. I wish you the best!

GW