Can any good come from affairs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Can any good come from affairs?
13
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 10:30pm

Everything seems to happen for a reason. Or so

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 6:23am

Don't know how far into the falling out period you are, so can't really judge what sort of recovery program you've adapted for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2010
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 9:11am

I agree. Ever since DH and I agreed to make a conscious effort to work on our marriage and fix the broken aspects of it that caused us to hurt each other, we've been more honest, open, loving and fun than ever before.

Are there still moments when I want to scream? Definitely.
Do we still have knock-down-drag-outs because I'm still having a hard time letting go of "why?" absolutely

But we're TALKING, and that's something we always had a hard time with before, and now the floodgates are opened.

I have to hope that it'll continue to get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 9:25am

Yes, I think some good can come from an A.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 5:31pm

I suppose there is always good in everything. But in this case, it is a crappy way to find out what is lacking in relationship. Why didn't he just TELL me??? Our conversations have been better to be honest, even now while he is fence-sitting with 2 women. Less arguing. However, it is difficult for me to still trust him, as he is keeping things from me still (of course, he is still seeing OW).


itisnevereasy: i agree with all you said. Only one question. My husband chose me when we got married. That should have been enough. Now I should be flattered because he will (possibly) choose me again over the AP? So unfair. As of right now I feel like second-class. Thrown away so he could "try on" another for size and see if she fit. He is still trying her on...don't know. It is hard to see how this will make for a better relationship, whether I move on or R. If we R, I will always have trust issues. If I move on with

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 6:14am
I think that the good, really, comes from the life and relationship skills you learn by working through the affair and dealing with it all. I wouldn't say that my DH's former porn addiction was a good thing, but there were definitely good things that came about in our relationship as we worked through it together.

~ TrustingAgain ~


Going on 11 years since I joined DH on his recovery journey (he'd been working on recovery already before that); 8+ years since DH last used porn or MB; 7+ years of DH being free of sexual addiction acting-out behaviors and trustworthy.


** "Trust is based not on the absence of wrong, but on the presence of right."

Are you or a loved one struggling with pornography addiction? Join us on the Relationships Damaged by Pornography message board.

~ TrustingAgain ~

Going on 11 years since I joined DH on his recovery journey (he'd been working on recovery already before that); 8+ years since DH l

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 6:38pm
Itsnevereasy - I loved what you wrote - thank you - it's helped me tremendously......
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 6:41pm
amarina - you are right he chose you when you married, he strayed, he's wrong. I didn't allow my FWS to fence sit, I changed the locks while he was away for a w/e w/ OW .. he spent 4 months away from me and home, for 3 of them he lived w/ OW, and the last of those 3 he was wanting to come home. Sometimes it takes drastic measures, I don't know why, will always wish it never happened, but glad he's home and we're working on it. He can't even remember how to say her last name, never knew how to spell it, doesn't want to see or talk to her at all other than to tell her off for some of the things she's done to me.... so yes, I guess him finding out how much he REALLY loved me was a good thing....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 7:10pm

I'm not sure I see it that "good" can come from an affair, since it's based on lies and deception - what good can come from lies and deception?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 7:26pm
I hope you had a great day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Sat, 02-20-2010 - 11:58am
itsnevereasy,
Thank you sooooo much - your posts have helped me put the screaming and confusion in my head a little more sorted out. One day at a time for sure - which is better than the minute by minute that it was, and hour by hour that it was. I will NOT admit defeat, and like I told our MC and my FWS, I will NOT let OW win more of my FWS and my marriage, because she was already in 10 months of it. I have to keep trying to remember to work on trust, and our marriage, and try to leave her out of it! Thank you ........

Pages