Can anyone help me find a way to stop this pain.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2013
Can anyone help me find a way to stop this pain.......
11
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 9:48am

28 years.  Together since we were 16.  Married since 18.  3 kids, 2 grandkids and one more on the way.  Seemingly idyllic life from all views.  No sense that anything was wrong.  No suspicions and no warnings.  At least not that I can see just yet.  After I am into this for awhile, things may occur to me now that should have back then.  So husband gets text message on early Friday morning.  Saying if he (this person) only knew his wife's number he would clue her in and he can have this woman (his girlfriend?) because he is done with her and three strikes you are out.....blah....blah....blah.  Husband passes it off as prank or wrong number and I almost believe him.  Accept when I call the number from my own phone, I get a message pops up that says Can't talk now....text me.  Without going into details too much, curiousity got the better of me and I asked my daughter to see if she could find out more about the phone number.  Where it was from, etc.  Well, that was a horrible mistake, because she ended up finding out more than she ever should have and our worlds will never be the same.  Turns out this is a woman who used to be married to an old friend/co-worker of husband and he has known her for 16 years.  Apparently, after she broke things off with her guy 9 or 10 years ago she began texting and emailing my husband.  And according to him it was completely platonic until the past year when text messages were all sex related.  He swears there was no pictures and he swears no email.  He also says there was no actual phone calls.   I am supposed to believe this whole relationship was via text.  Now this woman lives two states away.  He also says she never came here and he never went there and there was never any face to face.  He says he has not laid eyes on her for years.  Now......what do I do with that information?  Because I am supposed to believe that you are holding a secret relationship in which there is no physical and no visual or even verbal contact for eight or nine of the first years of this and then only texts for the past year?  And yet, it was so important that you had to hide it from me and it turned sexual for what reason then?? He says he felt ignored and I didn't want sex as much, etc. etc. and she was someone to talk to.  Well, I am just dumbfounded and hurt beyond any belief.  I cannot believe anything he says, I cannot even believe this happened at all in the first place.  Honestly of all people in the whole world to cheat, he is the last one I would have thought ever would have done this.  I feel like I cannot stop this pain.  I shake constantly and have a permanent lead balloon in my stomach.  I have not thrown up, but feel that I could at any given moment.  And the worst thing of all is my constant need to get answers and his constant need to tell me he is so sorry and he will try to make it up but he doesn't remember how it started and he doesn't remember details of their conversations.  Etc. etc. etc.  I constantly wonder if he is still doing it, where he is, who is he emailing at work, or texting while running to the store, etc.  And I have had the weirdest reaction to the whole thing.  I always thought I would never tolerate cheating, but I am almost desperate to keep him to the point that I am becoming a whole different person.  I have basically thrown myself at him like a cat in heat.  I basically want to erase everything that happened and I am willing to do every dirty thing to make that happen  and then afterwards, I feel like such a piece of garbage.  I am so mad that this is happening.  I am so upset that I can't function and I am on this computer every waking minute trying to figure things out.  I am drowning and there is absolutely nothing to hold on to.  Insurance won't pay for counseling.  I can't afford it any other way.  I have no friends, because he was my whole life.  My kids are traumatized enough and I cannot go to them.  I could never ever kill myself because I would never put my kids through that hell.  Even though my husband was fine to go ahead with it putting us all in this pit.  But, I pray every single day for this pain to stop.  I cannot make it stop.  Can someone please tell me how to make this go away so I can move on?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2010

If he felt ignored, then he needs to talk to you instead of turning towards someone else.  It's a cop out if he's trying to blame you for his emotional affair.

If you don't like your behavior since finding out, then change it.  Don't change yourself to accommodate him.  He needs to work on himself, that's not your job.  First, I would suggest you start going out and finding some friends of your own.  I don't think it's at all healthy for your husband to be your only friend, and I don't think he should be your whole life.  He should be a huge part of it, but not the center.  Especially when he's proven that he can't be trusted.  Go out of the house.  Take some classes (fitness, hobby, etc.).  Join a club.  Do something where you force yourself to get out there and be social with other ladies.

Other than that, I think you and your husband should go to counseling.  I know that probably sounds like a generic reply, but it's true.  Couples counseling and individual counseling.

What has your husband done to try to prove this emotional affair is over?  Has he blocked her number?  Cut off all contact?  Told her to leave him alone?

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