Can I belive anything he says now????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2010
Can I belive anything he says now????
12
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 7:28pm

I went through my husbands phone the other day and found a half-naked picture he had taken of himself and sent to his own email. When I confronted him about it and made him show me his email account the floodgates were opened and I found out that he has been cyberchatting with all kind of women on these XXX sites that are basically designed for people who want to meet for sex. He has set up all of these secret email accounts and profiles to communicate with the woman. He admitted he'd been doing it for about 6 months. First he said it was all just talk and he never acted on it but after some more digging in his computer I found emails of him making plans to meet and saying things like can't wait to see you again. So then he admitted he did meet some of them but only casually for drinks and nothing happened except a kiss at the end of the night. WTF!?! Why should I believe it didn't go further and even if it didn't he's basically out there dating while we are married? I have been torturing myself reading every email and chat. He has sent naked picture of himself to people and gotten a ton from these online XXX dating sluts and most of them are FUG compared to me. He has had countless cybersex chats and there are a lot of emails of him trying to make plans to meet woman.

We've only been married for a year and a half. I thought we had a perfectly happy marriage, I was completely blind-sided. He says that he is ashamed and humiliated and will never do it again. He did give me the passwords to all of his accounts and with me sitting and watching he sent emails to every single woman he had been in contact with telling them never to contact him again, that he had been found out and that he was wrong to every try and cheat.

He says that he loves me and is happy in our marriage but isn't happy with anything else in his life and thinks that might be why he started this up. Apparently he feels like our sex life is in a rut but he never said anything to me about it. We've never been crazy but we have great chemistry and I'm not withholding sex from him. He says me finding out was his wake up call that he needs to start talking to me about what he needs/wants sexually and commit to being a real husband. He's agreed to go to therapy with me. He's saying and doing all the right things but why should I believe a single word he says and even if he does mean it, why the hell should I give him another chance.

I'm in such turmoil over this. I can't tell anyone about it until I figure out what I'm going to do. I'd be too humiliated to tell people what he's done. He cheated on me back when we were dating. We broke up over it but eventually ended up back together and he swore it would never happen again. Everyone knows about that time, if I tell them about this they will all think I'm a fool if I decide to stay. But the truth is that I don't want to leave him, I love him more than anything in the world. We just bought a house and were about to start a family. The thought of leaving him and starting over is terrifying. I want to believe him that he'll never do it again and that he really wants to be more open with me in the future but how can I believe he really means it or that it won't happen again in a year or so. My head tells me I should just cut my loses and get out of this marriage as soon as possible but my heart tells me I should give him/us a chance. I just don't know how I could ever really trust him again and I don't want to be a bitter cold person. I want a loving happy marriage. I don't know what to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 9:10pm

counseling, either individual just for you, or for both, is a must..


from his patterns, there must be something in his personality that makes him cheat.. either he just does or some soul searching with therapy would unearth some truths.. either way, you learn..


what you are going through is very difficult ,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 9:20pm

Hi betrayed,


I'm so sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2010
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 10:12pm
Thank you for the response. It means so much to hear from other women right now. I feel so alone and lost. We have our first counseling session tomorrow. I'm hoping it will help to give me some better direction on how to handle this. I appreciate your thoughtful response. We just had dinner together and I feel guilty. Why should I let him have that tiny bit of normalcy in his life after he completely tore my reality apart, but on the other hand I just can't be a complete bitch all the time. I can't spend every minute punishing him because I end up punishing myself. I don't want to live like this, hating the person I'm supposed to love. It's going to be a hard fight but I'm hoping I can dig deep and make the right decision for me. I'll be in touch. I don't know what I'd do without these boards. It's disgusting to know how many women have gone through what I'm going through, men pretty much suck! But it is such a relief to know that I'm not alone in this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 10:34pm

what you said totally makes sense and you go through these extremes of emotions.. i don't want to take this lightly, but "The Good Wife" TV show makes a good representations of

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 12:49pm

Hello Betrayed77. Hugs to you! I was also married for a short time when I found out about my xh's A. I soon came to realize my ex is/was a compulsive liar among other things. Not just to me but to many others. Affairs are big lies! IMHO if the person has the ability to lie in an A to the one they married and claim to love they cannot be blindly trusted anymore. I would say believe what he does not what he says.

As far as counseling. IC saved me. I would recommend it highly for yourself, insist on it for you H--imperative to rebuilding, and MC with both of you is also very important. Take one step at a time and take care of yourself FIRST right now. Whatever you need to do to gain clarity and peace for yourself take those actions. Take your personal power back!

I am almost 3 years out of my marriage with XH and very happy in my new life. When I first discovered my exH's A I didn't think I would make it through but I did and now am a much stronger person because of it.

Hang in there and know that there are many people out here pulling for you!!!
Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 2:32pm
I don't hear "bitter", just very disillusioned.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2010
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 6:28pm
What wife has not been hit with cheating. Its good you found all that out now you know and what you do with it was change things forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 12:03am

Oh I just found this in looking for a place to get support and relate to people who are going through what I am. I too just found out that my husband did the ultimate and cheated on me. I found out by accidently seeing a text that said I had the place to myself the other night but you would not respond... I was like WTF?? I have two little girls, 4 & 2, and they were home so I calmly went to find my husband and confront him... he lied at first of course. He tried to say it was some guy at work but I am not an idiot and I told him he was totally lying.. I grabbed his phone back out of his hand and started looking through other messages.. something I wish I would have done first. The next one I found pretty confirmed this was no guy at work, it was from my husband to his "friend" and it pretty said something like cannot wait for you to blow your load.... yep... it was a man and there was no way around that... I finally got him to admit it and OMG I thought I would vomit. He tried to keep squirming out of it but I had him red handed. He ran to the basement and started crying and wailing I cannot live without you I don't want to live my life without you so all I could do was get my kids out of there before they realized something was going on. I think the 4 year old knew something was up but she did not know what. I just called my parents and told them we were having some problems and could they come and get my kids. They did and without too much question I scooted them out of here. For the next several hours I cried and screamed and asked questions. He said he went in chat rooms just to have some fun, never intending on taking it further... whatever... and then somehow he did and with a man. So of course my first question is, is he gay? I have asked him a 1000 times since I found out and he says no. No he is not but then why a man and he says I don't know. That is is his answer for a lot of things. He did admit also that in college years ago he got in trouble with 900#'s and he did see a Psychiatrist back then and he thought he was over it but maybe it was all coming back again. I was like what? I guess his parents actually must have caught him or something and then they also were concerned that he had no friends and kept to himself so they set this up. This is first I had heard of any of it. Ok... so much to wrap my head around.

I have always said no way no how would I put up with a cheater, you cheat and you are gone... well then I am standing in my kitchen as this is unfolding with my two girls in the next room and it is not so cut and dry. Uggg... what the hell do I do now.

Now things have been tough for us and we have been struggling for awhile but I thought we were on the same page in trying to work to make things better. 2 years ago we went to this marriage encounter weekend because we needed a boost and he has never been a good communicator. Well we came back feeling like we can start again and had the to do it... Boom went into work and at about 2pm found out my job was being eliminated. Talk about a kick in the face. So that started a whole new ball of stress for me. I was the stronger income and had never been without a job since I was 17 and I am now 37.

Ok now to take you back to the beginning... we have been married almost 6 years... god help me my 6th anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. In that short amount of time we have endured a lot from him being laid up for over a month early in the dating process and stuck at my place because he lived 40 miles away and could not drive to his losing his job the summer before we got married, my Mom had a stroke 4 months before my wedding (she is not the same but ok now), we were pregnant 4 months after we got married... planned and very happy but quick start to a family. He finally found a full time job right after we found out we were pregnant but it was 2nd shift and I worked first. It made things tough for more than a year but we did it. Then came time for baby number 2 and we lost that baby at 7 weeks.. by the grace of God one time, the first time we were together not even two months after the miscarriage and we were pregnant with baby #3 but now our second living child. Whew.. you with me... that was Sept. 2007 that she was born. We had a lot of problems with reflux and projectile vomiting daily for 18 months and she had some tremors so we had test for that too, everything came out ok but it was stressful. Whew what an amazing ride right? Well obviously we had a lot to deal with and it did take its toll. He had severe mood swings and snapped at me a lot.. guess what I got angry and it turned into a lot of yelling and screaming.

Our intimate life suffered a lot of blows as we were super over cautious with the the 3rd pregnancy and never were together out of fear of something going wrong again. Then with 2 kids and both working full time at the time it was tough to have the energy and time to put into each other and take his mood swings to ruin any mood that was there and yes our intimate life sufferd.

Now I mentioned we went to that encounter, still really seemed to help for a while. Even though I lost my job, this was Aug. 2008 (still unemployed too), we did ok for awhile. but the stress of that on me, his mood swings and the now toddler who is more like two kids in one she is so challenging and ornary we just blew up with the stress way too often. So I was always looking for ways to help us and get us to a better place, my husband always seeming on the same page as me and would go along with anything I found for us to try including some anger seminars through our church that we just went through not 2-3 weeks ago. On the same page right oh and might I say that in the last month things in the bedroom seemed much better, he was making an effort to be better and I was too and we seemed to be reconnecting.... or so I thought. So when I saw this text should I have seen this coming?

I was still blow away and felt to stupid that I did not see this coming. I knew things were bad for awhile but not this bad. I am not working and I am either here when he gets home from work or I am here shortly after that because the kids nap about that time. He does not travel for work and although he bowls on 2 bowing leagues right now, one with my Dad, he does not do much socially without me. His family is not here and his best friend is in Tawain and lives 2 1/2 hours away normally anyway. And men do not keep in touch like we women so aside from work guys his friend are my friend and family. When could he cheat???

Now I also must say that even though he has these mood swings and a short fuse he still has always shown he loves me and our girls so much and made me feel like I was beautiful even when I knew I was not. Never put me down or made me feel less attractive so I knew even though we were struggling he did love me and never dreamed he would cheat.

So his story now that he as caught is this... he started going in these chat rooms on the computer, somehow connected with a guy and it must have given him pleasure, at some point he said a couple months ago and I now have confirmed it was Jan. he met this guy, only once and he did not actually have "sex" and did not give me details but led me to believe it was oral and nothing else. Still cheating but at least if that is true maybe less dangerous for him and me now that I have been with him not knowing. But do I believe him. My only saving grace here is like I said he does not have large blocks of time unaccounted for and this one time was after this bowling league that my Dad is not on but he bowls with guys from work and he apparently got in a quick meeting after. From looking at my phone bill and texts I traced it back to an evening Jan. So it seems as though it is true but who really knows what I might now be seeing or could be forgetting about other times he was a little late. He still swears it was only that once and he is not gay and he maintains there was no emotional connection that is only with me and he loves me and only me and wants to fight for our marriage 100%

I do not believe anything he says and think how can I? He shattered my whole world and I still cannot wrap my head around the guy thing...

We have started therapy and have had one session together and one each sep. I too have struggled with the fact that I do love him, I know if I had to do it I could make it on my own with my kids and lots of family support that I do have, and I will not stay just for the kids, so I know I can make the decision for the right reasons but can I get past this? I want my marriage to work I want to get back to where we were in the beginning and we worked together through all we had to endure. I want to believe it is possible but is it? Can i ever trust him again.

The next big thing is what if through therapy he does realize oh wait I am gay and I do not want to be with my wife. I have put myself out there to be crushed again... and can I handle that. Can i put my kids through that.

He swears no he wants out live because he loves me and wants to be with me and not because is it safe and he is afraid to be alone. Can I believe that?

The therapist says it is possible to get past this if we both want to work toward that. He also has told me that my husband has been into porn and seems to be addicted and he let this addiction take over and he lost control of it and took to the level of cheating and he could be just acting out a fantasy and still be heterosexual. Ok so it is possible. Makes me feel a little better but is that the case?

I am stuck not knowing what to do, how to feel and I totally relate to every word this person here said and then some.

How are we to trust them again and if they love us so much and want only us... why did they cheat? I too am afraid to tell people for the shame and embarrassment and what if we do get through this I cannot work through this and find a way to forgive him and then have all these people around me who dont and who will judge him and put more pressure on us. Only my sister, my best friend and his sister now know about this. His sister does not know about that guy part of it... that was too much to bare. I had to have someone to talk to and I only told my sister because she is going through something similar. He probably has not cheated in a physical sense her husband but he has a long time friend that she feels he is crossing the line with but he has maintained he has done nothing wrong he is just helping her out because she is in a bad marriage and has kids.. blaa blaa... so I knew she would understand. She had been confiding in me and then boom... joke was on me when my husband actually did cheat on me.

So I find myself without a lot of people to talk to who really understand and feel what I am feeling.. that led me to look for a group and I found this post. I so felt every word as I read it.

Sorry for the long long story but it did feel good to get it out and release it again.

I so feel all that you feel and it is sad how many women go through this and even though I knew we had problems I was still floored, he had a lot of faults but I never never thought he would do this and I just feel so broken and so very much alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2010
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 12:32am

Betrayed77,

How old are you? How long were you with your H before you married? Are you willing to work your entire life on recovery? They say that in this type of situation we attract the same type of mate every time.
Which means if you divorce, you may end up with a new one just like the old one. Encouraging isn't it? Love and Sex addiction is just like any other addiction. You need to continue to work on it 24/7 to get positive results. You have to be always working on it or it falls into what it began as or it progresses to more extreme situations.

This life SUCKS when it's bad, but can be beautiful when both partners work towards recovery. I've seen both sides in my marriage. Good Luck, get help, and if nothing else keep posting and reading posts. This is the cheapest form of therapy there is.

((((BIG HUGS)))) You are not alone!!

CrazyHeart422

"Do unto others as you would have done to you"



~JC~

Hurts have taught me never to give up loving Be willing to take another risk and chance, otherwise tomorrow may be empty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 1:33pm

Betrayed,


What stood out most for me in your posting was this statement, "He cheated on me when were dating."


The line someone crosses to cheat is not an easy one to do but once done it is not as hard to do again.


But what also stands out is this man is not happy in his life.

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