Can I lift his fog?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Can I lift his fog?
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 10:13pm

Is there anything I can do to make his affair fog go away so he can see clearly? Or do I just have to wait for it to lift on its own? Sending him stats on affairs lasting (1% chance) helped some for awhile. Doing the 180 seems to just be pushing him away further - we barely talk. He spends more time with the OW and none with me, therefore I am feeding the affair and they are falling more in love every day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 10:26pm
I don't think you can do anything to get him out of the fog. I personally feel you need to focus on yourself and let him realize that he messed up when it is too late. It sounds like he knows you will just wait there until he makes his decision and it does not bother him one bit. You can't "fix" him even though you know he is broken. It sucks. My STBX left me and my 3 yr old and 1 yr old for a skanky ho. They both lost their job due to it, can't get unemployment (company contested it) and live in a disgusting house with her ex (yes, this is what he choose!). He left me some pathetic voice message last night. Sounds like maybe his mistake is sinking in OR is he manipulating me to get something? Once these cheaters choose this life, it is hard to figure out how they became the person they now are. I am convinced my STBX is seriously mental. Not just because he did this but because of his behavior after D-day. If you start taking care of you and put him on the back burner (or just leave!), he will see YOU made the decision for him and will sooner or later realize the mistake he made. Once real life creeps up on him and the fun is gone, he will realize too late that you are gone too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 11:16pm

I will tell you that my obsessing over his relationship with his ex, I believe fed it. They snuch around, he hid their friendship, and a few drinks too many, boom...

So when I found out, I said her or me. He said me, but he didn't let go completely... they still talked a little...

I got fed up, then saw his other faults, had enough and said good ridens... well she didn't want anything to do with him either....

So, I firmly believe in the saying...

If you love something, set it free, and he comes back to you, he is yours for life....

my therapist said a man DOES NOT like to be told what to do... it is like a man saying to us wow look at her, she is beautiful.... it makes them feel like worthless...

anyway, take care of you...

You are the only person that you are gauranteed to spend the rest of your life with, so take time for you!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 12:06am

Sounds like your H is one of the many that will only (maybe) wake up if he gets a serious wake up call from you. That comes in the form of YOU taking the steps to end the marriage. I would pack up his stuff and then go see a lawyer.

I told H we were over after the second dday (same OW). We had to live together for financial reasons due to him being laid off. Since we were getting along as friendly roommates, he somehow thought he had it made. I was still where he wanted me and OW was still where he wanted her. It was only when I started seeing someone that the fog lifted (quite quickly). Reality finally hit him that I was truly moving on and life with two woman was quickly ending for him.