can't except fact???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
can't except fact???
8
Wed, 12-29-2010 - 11:28pm

My story...hopfully I will keep it short

Married 17 year together almost 20, 4 kids ages 17 to 3.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 1:49am

if he's surfing dating sites and has condoms in his glove box then he is probably cheating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 9:32am
No he was out late last night.....but when he left this morning I was wondering if I put everything back where I found it. I hate confrontation...I'm a people pleaser and with 4 kids i lways seems like someone is awake....time will tell I think the 2 older kids will be gone on New Years Eve so maybe we can talk
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 10:18am
Try not to feel stuck and don't feel like you need to stay to prove your dad wrong. My advice is see a lawyer. There are plenty that give free consultations that will let you know what you could expect to get financially and custody wise if you go down the divorce path. This can be an empowering feeling just knowing where you stand and that you took some action. Even if the news isn't great, at least you have something concrete to think about. Some people see more than one lawyer to get a sense of who they would be comfortable with and if the message is the same. Don't be surprised if the cheating means nothing to the courts. In most states, it means absolutely nothing.

In the meanwhile, make copies of everything financial-bank statements, pension statements, pay stubs and stash them some place safe. You may need these documents to prove income and expenses (copy credit card statements too). If you find texts or emails of him cheating, keep those in case your state does care about affairs. You should also try to skim some $ and put in a hidden account. If you are living check to check, it may be hard but even a little can go a long way.

It is up to you if you want to confront him or just let him think he's pulling a fast one while you make your Plan B. Almost all cheaters will deflect blame on to the BS and will make you feel like the bad person. The cheater usually plays the victim in all of this. Its unreal how similar the cheaters act.

My other advice is take care of yourself. I know its a blow and its a horrible way to live (checking on things, questioning yourself). Do what you need to for yourself. Speak to a therapist or post here for support. Things will get better once you decide on what you want to do because the indecision is stressful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 11:47am
And he no doubt takes advantage of the fact that since he knows you hate confrontation, he knows you won't confront him when something like this is discovered. When you do he will probably give you the ol "my buddy put them in there and I forgot about them" line anyhow. I guess the only positive thing here is that if he is cheating on you he is probably using those condoms for protection against STDS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Fri, 12-31-2010 - 9:13pm

often times we women are so focused on happily ever after.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 10:35am

Your story is familiar. My spouse and I had been together 18 years. She was 19 when we married, I was 22. We have five kids from 17-11.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 11:57pm

Hey, old friend, that was a powerful post there.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2003
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 5:27pm
Caryn D. Stein
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