Can't Move On

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2012
Can't Move On
4
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 2:22pm

Hello everyone. Last December, my husband asked me for a separation. Dec. 5th to be exact. A week later, he goes to a club and exchanges numbers with the bartender. They texted for two weeks, went to the movies, met up at Mcdonalds, all in a two week period before I found out, the day after Christmas. Except I only saw they had texted the night before, I didn't know about the lenght of time or them going out. He lied and said she texted him out of the blue, he didn't really know her. A week later, New Years Eve, I checked his phone records because I had a gut feeling that he was lying. And sure enough, I saw that this had been going on for two weeks. When I confronted him, he claimed they were just friends. He said they were leaning on each other because they were both going through problems and that it was strickly friendly. Now we hadn't actually separated. I was still living in the house. We even had sex a couple of times. There was distance between us, but we never really separated. So I chose to believe him. I asked him if they had gone out anywhere and he said no, it was just texting. So fast forward to now, I have actually become friends with the girl. And she tells me they went to the movies and met up at Mcdonalds during that time. But nothing happened. If nothing happened between them two, if it was just "friendly", why did he lie to me about everything? Now I'm back to feeling anxiety and depression. I can't move on because I don't know what to believe. Help anyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 6:15pm
Been there. Believed everything my H told me. Wasn't till I left him that he told me the truth to the extent of the affair. I was very hurt even if it happened five years earlier. During that time he said I have nothing to worry about. If your husband is asking for a separation then I would guess that he is falling for her. I would have a hard time believing it isn't sexual. Good luck.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 5:41pm

I think there are a few things that you absolutely have the right to know and should know. There are things that you could know but may not be helpful or will even be harmful to you.

What you absolutely deserve to know is when the relationship started, if and when it ended, and IF they touched, kissed or had sex. As a spouse, you have every right to know these things and it is actually useful in your healing to know these facts.  

Once you have that general basic information. You might want to shield yourself, and even ask to have your spouse shield you from details beyond these basic facts. Even though something inside you screams out to know.  

From my own personal experience, you probably don’t need images floating around in your head for the next sixty years of intimate details of their relationship. That’s just my advice from someone who has been there and made the mistake of finding out some of these sorts of details. Some stuff never leaves the psyche. The necessary and eventual forgiveness of “sex” is easier than forgiving specific “types of sex” if you can wrap your mind around what I’m saying.

One more thing and this is the bad news! From everything I’ve read, from every shrink, and from my own personal experience. It takes about two years to really heal from this sort of deep emotional scaring and that is if you are actively working on educating yourself and working through all the many layers of what happened, what went wrong and what our own role was, and what our spouses role was in the dysfunction of our relationship.

This is a big opportunity to grow. It isn’t any fun. I’m so sorry you are here and that you are hurting.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2010
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 5:38pm

Well if it was my man I wouldn't believe him. She might be lieing as that's the common answer. Nothing happened.  Ask yourself is he the type to jump in bed fast with a new person? If not then don't worry. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 4:10pm

I think it would be important to know the status of what happened with you & your DH--did you ever separate?  Are you still separated?  heading toward divorce?  trying to keep your marriage going?  I ask because my response (and others') might be different depending on the situation.