Can't seem to let go of my Anger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2012
Can't seem to let go of my Anger.
7
Sun, 01-29-2012 - 11:02pm

New here! I discovered a couple weeks ago my H of 5 years has been emailing and having lunches with a woman he goes to college with. (He is 42, she is 24) It was not an accident

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 02-01-2012 - 3:07pm
I know how you feel. Even if their (OW) aren't interested in his pursuit, the fact is that he was still pursuing her. I know of at least 2 affairs that didn't happen between my H and 2 other women ONLY because in the end these OW rejected him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 02-01-2012 - 10:53am

Missy, we are all here pulling for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2012
Wed, 02-01-2012 - 9:00am

I'd like to thank all of you for your support and postings, you can't always share this stuff with family or friends without having your decisions influenced. I know what I have to do, and it sucks. He's going to do it again , if not with this girl and finding another means of communication, then with someone else that he hasn't even met yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2012
Wed, 02-01-2012 - 8:55am

He seems remorseful that he got caught. I emailed the OW, and gave her the rundown that I didn't appreciate the relationship between the two of them. She emailed me back stating that she had no romantic intent on her side, not the slightest bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 7:02am

(((missyd90)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 1:59am
Missy- welcome! And sorry to welcome you here! The thing is there is no right or wrong in your actions here on out as long as you do it with YOU in mind, followed by the well being of the children.

I can imagine your anger and rage. It is an emotion I have spent too much time with. Still feel to some extent 3/4 a year later. I think many men want to be in the center of their world. They want all of the attention, affection, time, sex, etc. they want these things from the woman as if she has no other responsibility in the world. I think that because it's impossible, men go outside the marriage to get that back. That undivided, enamored attention of someone new who doesn't know their faults, mistakes or shortcomings. They put their wife in the role of villain to garner sympathy, to gain compassion from this other person. What I have found on this board is that many wives are no villain. Most of us are successful as professionals or stay at home moms. Many of us are more attractive than AP.

You are justified in every single emotion you feel. For myself, I was high on adrenaline for 3-4 months. I was sleep deprived, lost 15# in a month. I went from kick your butt mad to weepy wilma. I was lost and confused one moment and determined the next. I still feel all of the same emotions, they are just duller. I am changed, as we all are. Betrayel is an event that puts in motion changes to our beliefs, ideals, our personalities. Trust is destroyed not just within the marriage, but in all relationships. It's like a loss if innocence that is felt as an adult.

Your husband has to crack that shell he is living in so he can see the world on the outside. So he can recognize all you do for him and the family. So that he can be proud of your hard work. So that he can realize that all he is searching for is right in front of him. But that his marriage has changed, grown more rich with your children and your accomplishment of common goals. Unfortunately, you can't tell him this. He has to see it and kern it for himself. If he went to counseling and was honest, he might see the light. He has to want this for himself, no one else.

As he will continue to do as he sees best. Your course is to plan for you and the kids. See an attorney for a consult. STD check. Tell as few people as possible. Friends and family with their bias can complicate your misery. This is your life, any decisions are yours. Drink water, breathe the fresh air.

There is nothing you could of done differently. Those were his choices and actions. We are here for you, feel your pain. Sending you a big hug. You can get thru this. FYI- my anger fueled me to put my plans in motion, it was the only time I felt enough energy and felt the most strong. You will find your strengths and weaknesses thru this. And as times go by no matter what, you still have your honesty and integrity. You have your priorities in line. Don't let his faults bring you down from all that you do and have done. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 1:28am

If he's been texting and having lunches with her then he's probably up to no good. If this was all innocent he would have invited you to join them and NOT hid it from you. You have every right to be angry about this. And of course when he got caught he tried to turn it around and blame his bad behavior on YOU. Pretty much common behavior when they get caught. and don't want to take responsibility for THEIR actions. And you are probably right that he knows his arse will be out on the street IF you divorce him. You also have to wonder how far this may have gone if he didn't have your daughter with him. Does he seem very remorseful for his actions? And has he agreed to NO MORE CONTACT (outside of class) with her? If not I'd seriously reconsider staying with him.