caught in a difficult situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2008
caught in a difficult situation
4
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 2:54pm

I have been married for fifteen years and have two kids. just last year my husband had an affair with a friend of mine he was helping her behind my back

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Mon, 07-13-2009 - 10:20am

I'm so sorry you find it necessary to be here, but pleased that you've found a place where everyone knows how you feel and is willing to help.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2009
Mon, 07-13-2009 - 11:29am

Yours is a difficult situation to be in. 15 years is a lot of history. I don't know the ages of the children, but if either of them is around 12 years old, then they are at a very crucial age, the formative years. Whatever they are exposed to at around that age is sure to have a striking impression on them for the rest of their lives, good or bad. You also said you depend on your husband financially. You may be able to earn an income, but it's likely to be a real financial struggle for you if you go alone, with a lot of sacrifices and worry about how to pay the bills. I wouldn't say to stay with him for that reason alone. Just consider and plan what you'd do financially if the marriage doesn't work out. It has to be a solid plan, not a hope.


Is it possible that he is going through a mid-life crisis, or has this been a pattern for just about all of the marriage? Go to a library and read up on the mid-life crisis. Those books are so helpful!


Have you considered going to counseling together? Some men are perfectly willing to go; others are not, but put it to him like this: "Isn't our marriage worth it?" in a non-combative way. Keep in mind when you ask him that you aren't going to argue. Encourage him, but if he out and out refuses, accept it.


If this is not a several year pattern, ask him, again in a non-combative way, if he would like for the 2 of you to become involved together in some activity; a club, golfing, boating, maybe make a point of going to the local playhouse theater once a week. There should only be 3 rules: It has to be something you both think you'd enjoy. It has to be once a week. While you 2 are out pursuing this interest, there can be NO discussing problems or kids. This is just for the 2 of you to enjoy each other's company. It doesn't have to cost money. It can be a joyride to the country or a walk in the park. Maybe this would be a good start. The trick is to turn his attention back to you. Then go from there. If he won't agree to counseling, maybe he will once you've spent a couple of months together enjoying each other again. Or you could go to counseling

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2008
Mon, 07-13-2009 - 2:53pm

were you in the same situation as me in your first marriage. are you married now .


how did your kids react when you divorced. this behaviour happened in the previous year and still continues

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2009
Mon, 07-13-2009 - 4:18pm

Yes, I was in a similar situation in my first marriage. That woman (his co-worker) worked midnights with him, they rode together, he spent the night at her and her husband's house, and her husband left the next morning to go to work. She was a player. I decided I wasn't going to take that insult, took the kids, and left. (I'm skipping a lot, but that's how it ended up.) My son was 12. I did not understand what the formitive years were. When it went to court, he insisted on living with his dad, who told him lies, saying I didn't love him (son) anymore, on & on. He had always been a good dad before the break-up. Really good. Exceptionally good. My son is now 25. He still blames me and is still hurting. For years he wouldn't speak to me, but then, his dad took him away & I didn't know where they were for so long. Personally, if I had it to do over, I'd wait till the kids were grown, see if I could truly forgive and fall in love with my h all over again, and get on with life. Even in the best of circumstances, it is so hard for the kids. You say they are happy now. I used to look at their smiling faces, look into their trusting eyes, and wonder how I could do it to them, but left anyway, thinking that a man like that couldn't be that good a dad. I think I was just trying to justify my actions. I'm not saying it's wrong to leave. It's wrong to let a man get away with habitual cheating. If your h will forsake other women, truly, and realize that you gave your trust freely, and it was broken. Now it has to be earned. He should have no secrets, no secret passwords, shouldn't mind you stopping at his work, going through his emails, texts, bank statements, etc.