Caught H on the phone with the OW

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2010
Caught H on the phone with the OW
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 12:42pm

I just found out that my husband has been having an affair with the same woman for a year. I'm crushed. He took a sick day off and I was in the bedroom trying to nap, and I heard him on the phone. He was whispering, I thought that was strange and picked up the extension. He was talking to a woman.

I can't remember too much about the conversation but from what was said, they've been breaking up and getting back together for a whole year. Apparently, she had emailed him asking to meet and talk in person, and I think I caught them in the beginning of the conversation, because this is what I heard (there was more, but this is what I can remember):

Him: " I'm going to be out of town next week for 3 days... can it wait until I get back?"

Her: "Yeah, it can wait."

Him: "What's wrong? Am I in trouble? Let's talk about it, maybe I can make you feel better, answer questions... Just talk to me."

Her: "I've just been feeling weird about this, since the last time we had sex. This isn't easy for me the way it is for you. And I'm always the one looking for you to get this going, I don't think we see each other enough."

Him: "I know, I would see you every day, if I could, but work has been crazy. You know that I can only see you during the day, and only when I can get out of the office. That hasn't happened lately" (and then goes on to tell her everything that he's been dealing with at work, then talk about how "incredible" she is)

Her: "I understand, but this is barely happening. And I keep waiting to hear from you, and that upsets me. I think we need to end this."

Him: "If this is upsetting to you, then I agree. I don't see my schedule changing and I think I set up the wrong expectations for you. We've been doing this for a year now but my life is nonstop busy. I'm the breadwinner, there are a lot of people losing their jobs here, I can't just leave the office in the middle of the day for 3 or 4 hours..."

Then I don't remember what came next, but at some point he said "I want this to be fun for us, I don't want to get into any of the emotional stuff... because that's when you get in trouble..." and she said "I don't want that either, I think I'm the one who said that first, that this should be only about sex. But if this isn't happening, then what's the point?".

He goes on to say that he means her no harm, starts talking dirty... She doesn't engage him, and he actually stops. He respected her wish, which doesn't sound like him at all. He seemed very careful about her feelings the whole time, which killed me. He's not usually like that. Even his tone of voice with her was different.

Then he changed his story and asked her to pick up the conversation once he gets back from his trip. She said "So, this is it?" and he went "No, I want us to talk about this when I get back...".

My question is, I thought it was strange that he brought up "emotional stuff", or feelings. They weren't on that subject at all, from what I recall. It came from him.

Could that mean that he's been trying to keep it only sexual but has feelings for her anyway? Does this sound like a fling only?

My head is spinning right now, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to grasp if this is something serious or not. I never thought he could do this to me. If any of you have some insight, please share.

(I know I shouldn't care about whether or not he has feelings for her, but I do. What do you think?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2010
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 9:59pm


You haven't come back and I'm wondering how you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 07-25-2010 - 12:19am
No way to be sure, but to me it sounds like he's trying to end things with her.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 1:30pm
Personally I would pay no attention to what he (or any man says for that matter) to a woman that he is wanting sex from. Men will act like they care and say a lot of kind and sweet things (that the wife is not hearing) to OW just to keep their piece on the side. Honestly it sounds to me like he is telling her he can't get away from the office much anymore, and she obviously wants more time and probably has more expectations from him. It sounds to me like he is being nice and trying to let her down easy and that he is willing to end it cause the sex time is no longer there. Maybe I'm wrong but that's what I get out of their convo.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 1:16pm

I can tell you that most of the time MM don't have "feelings" for the OW, they only like how the OW makes them feel. They use them for sex, unfortunately. Whether he has feelings or not, he had sex with her. You have to expose their A. You also have to let him know that you know.

I am sorry you are in pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 1:12pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2007
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 1:09pm

First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you have found yourself in this place.

I am going to give you an honest opinion. What are you planning to do?

IMHO- I think that they are both at least alittle caught up with some feelings. They do not want to talk about them because they are not interested in taking it anywhere (no future).

I think that your H does not want to end it and neither does she.