Caught Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
Caught Husband
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 1:01pm

Hello I need help and some advice. 

On December 17th I caught my husband at a bar with one of his co-workers, holding hands. 

He told me that nothing was going on that he just crossed the line that one time and nothing like that has happened again.

However he has continued to go out to drinks with her, text, and call her several times a day. Now they do work together but the texts are not just work related and are getting more and more personal. 

I have seen them going to lunch together, alone in her car and he tells me it was more than just the two of them, but it wasnt, he has gone out alone to have drinks with her and told me its a business meeting, even though they are together at work all day. 

I can not get over this, I have a horrible feeling that something more is going on because he keeps being dishonest with me about their interactions and their texts are still very personal and flirty. 

We have only been married a little over a year and I hate to end things over something so trivial, but I dont want to sit back and have a full on affair start right under my nose. 

He tells me that he is DONE having Ashley arguments and for me not to bring anything up again about it. She is married and has 4 kids and we are married, with his prior marriage and my prior marriage we each had kiddos prior.

Sorry for this being all over the place Im just so confused and torn that I dont know what to do.

Any advice?? Thank You !!

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 3:38pm

I'm with the others, except for maybe one thing. This is already an affair. They have built feelings for each other and they are touching. It is well past the time to implement the 180, reading a few books and contacting a lawyer. Until you express to him in these terms that you are not ok with what is going on. He has the green light to continue.

Good luck. We have your back.



We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 2:59pm

If I were in your shoes I would inform the OW's H ASAP. There is nothing like the light of day to dampen an A. Her BH really needs to know and provide assistance in ending this once and forall. There is also the issue of health. Think seriously about having a check for stds as you have no idea where the OW or her H have been. Hopefully everything will be ok.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 11:06am

I think the time has come for you to prepare yourself for what you are going to do--because the time for talking is over.

He is not giving up his involvment with her; respect for your marriage is a moot point now as far as he's concerned.  He's made it plain that you are not going to control how he spends his time, so the question now is: what are you prepared to do about this?  Stay and complain further or get your ducks in a row, financial-wise?  You need to know how to proceed from this because he's been rather clear about how he's planning to proceed--at least it's clear to me from what you've written.

A man who has no interest in respecting his marriage vows of his own volition isn't going to be brought round to it by talking, pleading, confrontation, etc.  You are wasting energy that could be invested in making sure you and your children are not caught up short. 

First, talk with a therapist or someone trained in marriage counselling about your emotional wellbeing as well as your children's.  From there, talk with a lawyer about where you stand legally. Once you're armed with good information instead of speculation, you can make a sound decision about how you will proceed with your future.

While you may want your marriage, what you may get in return is a lot more of what you're dealing with right now, with a lot of sniping, arguing and fighting---and no child needs to be exposed to a warzone within their own home.  Your husband doesn't sound like he's interested in being the sort of husband you need and when you can see your way clear out of that kind of energy, you will be able to get your life back on track for your best good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 7:24am
I must agree with the others. If he hasn't slept with her yet, he is going to. You will have to ready yourself to play hard ball. Give him his options and tell him he either respects your marriage or he doesn't. I know this sucks. But honestly, if this is year one, short of a, major turn around and massive marriage counseling I think this could be the start of a very long and mentally/emotionally unhealthy marriage for you. Hugs as you make your major decisions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 12:49am

How nice for him to inform you you aren't supposed to talk a bout this anymore.  Doesn't work like that.  The entire content and tone of your message is identical to what so many of us have already gone thru.  It unfortunately sounds very familiar.  Your guy is holding hands with another woman and claiming it means nothing.  He's getting together with her ALONE and then lies to you about them being alone.  Things are clearly moving along between them and he's lying about things.  Short of jumping off the page and punching your nose, I don't know what more you need to know to realize this has already gone to far and if it hasn't already turned physical, it's about to.  He does not get to make up a rule "Ashley" can't be discussed again, he's being a bully saying that when he's the one causing all this trouble.  I think you already know what's going on here and it's intensifying.  He does not sound interested in fixing this mess he's created, so I don't see much hope for you to be happy with the guy.  if he cares, he will SOMEHOW manage to end contact with her, even if it means changing jobs.  His answers to these things will tell you all you need to hear. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 4:43pm

His response to me is very indicative of a man who is either already having an affair or will be soon.  He is also telling you that he doesn't care about you.  A guy who was really innocent & cared about his marriage would be concerned about demonstrating that--he would purposely not go out alone w/ the woman and would stop sending her texts because his main goal would be to try to save the marriage.  Instead, he deflects your suspicions by making you seem unreasonable--I think any woman who found her DH holding hands w/ a woman would be pretty mad and think something is up.  If you are willing to follow through w/ this and accept that your marriage might be over, then I'd tell him that 1) he is not to spend any time w/ her outside work and 2) he is not to communicate w/ her outside of work (I don't suppose he has a job that requires co-workers to chat outside of work.  If he won't do this, then it's clear that she is more important than you to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 4:40pm
Well after catching them holding hands they should have cooled it down if they valued their marriages. The fact that he hasn't would tell me he IS NOT being respectful of your marriage and neither is she being respectful of hers, and that he is already to invested with her to stop. He KNOWS he's guilty and doesn't want to stop and is trying to turn this around on you. Cheaters classically will tell you that YOU are the crazy one, being paranoid, imagining things. It's all a ploy to get you to shut up and stop confronting him about it. The fact that he is so uncaring of your feelings and being so rebellious over this makes me think something is going on.You may have to lay low for a while until you get more concrete evidence because cheaters will rarely come clean and admit to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 2:33pm
I have confronted him. And confronted both of them the night they were holding hands. I then caught them the next day at Starbucks. He keeps telling me it's just work and that I need to get over it. To me if he is not willing to stop flirty texts. Or stop being alone with her. Or stop anything other than just work details then he doesn't have respect for me or our relationship. Every time his phone has a txt from her or a call. I feel sick to my stomach. He tells me I am making something out of nothing and making it all my fault. And telling me if he is catching crap when he is not doing anything then he may as well act on it because he is catching crap either way. I just can't deal with him being with her so much......
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 2:16pm

So you caught them holding hands together at a bar, there are flirty texts going back and forth between them that are not work related, and he's lying to you about his interactions with her. In my opinion there IS something going on here and that horrible feeling you have is your gut telling you that. I don't know if their having a physical affair yet, but it sure sounds like it's heading that way. I think you need to confront him about the holding hands, flirty texts, and the lying about who he's going to lunch with. I mean ANYONE would get awful suspicious over all this. This is definitely an innappropriate relationship and I think you need to nip it in the bud before it goes any further than it already has.